Tuesday, January 2, 2007

Putting the crack in crackers

"Um, Kelly?" Jerry asked from the living room. "Did you put cheese on this tray?"

"The one with the crackers?" I yelled back from the kitchen.

"Yeah."

"Of course I did, what are you talking about?"

"Well, I figured you wouldn't have left it like this," Jerry said, walking into the kitchen carrying the square platter I had placed on the coffee table moments earlier. I had loaded it with a heaping pile of beefstick, crackers and cheddar. Now the plate's pattern was completely visible where the cheese had been. Only one or two slices remained.

"You've got to be kidding me."

In the two seconds it had taken me to walk from the living room back to the kitchen, Toby had horked down an entire 12-ounce block of white sharp cheddar.

"Oh, he's gonna puke," I said. "As soon as our friends get here and start eating, he's gonna puke on the rug right in front of everybody, I know it."

"Or maybe, if he times it right, he'll wait until midnight when the ball starts to drop," Jerry said, laughing. "The entire east coast will do a countdown to our dog's vomit."

Meanwhile, Toby was underneath us, refusing to blink while staring at what used to be the cheese tray, hopping on his back legs to get himself inches. closer. to the. cheese.

"He's gonna puke! Put him outside!"

Ironically, I had been feeling so sorry for his big watery eyes as he watched me prepare a feast for our guests, and he had been so good about not getting anywhere near the food, that I actually called him into the kitchen to give him a little sliver of cheese. If I could've heard his thoughts at that moment, he would've said, "Psh, you called me into the kitchen for this? THIS?! Please woman, there's a whole PILE of this stuff in the other room. Don't waste my time."

And now that our formerly well-behaved dog had enjoied a heaping sample of the magical treats propped on a table within his reach, it was like all his restraint went down his throat with the cheddar.

The rest of the night I batted him away from the food and chased him around the house when he was successfully able to latch onto something: Chex mix, Goldfish crackers that our friends brought for their daughter, even beefstick. At one point I actually saw him running around with a slice of yellow pepper from the vegetable tray like it was a big fat cigar hanging from his mouth.

And later, when I brought out the cookies, Toby somehow latched onto one topped with a Hershey kiss. To make it more of a fun game, he plopped down on the floor inches away from me, gnawing on it in pure bliss. But by the time I got it away from him, only a small chocolate stub remained.

Amazingly, he didn't puke. It must've been an ongoing test of wills: mouth vs. stomach. Unfortunately for Toby, he didn't realize his ass would be the loser.

Knowing that much cheese would bind up even the most fluid digestive system, we figured Toby wouldn't shit for weeks.

But he shocked us again by forcibly squeezing out a little coil that was black as coal the next day.

I just laughed and said, "Happy New Year, buddy. But I'm pretty sure you've eaten your entire cheese allotment for 2007."

18 comments:

kristen said...

LOL. our dog does the same thing. we came back from the grocery store and my mom had set some bananas on the counter...2 seconds later he's eating them peel and all. he ate my debit card the other day. that sneaky bastard

emma said...

Haha our dogs team up sometimes. Whilst one of them is bouncing up at ANYTHING moving on the TV, the other climbs on the couch and steals any food substance she can. xxE

Mia said...

Yeah, my dogs would've thrown up.
And if I had been in the kitchen making something, the two dogs that are mellow enough to sit and watch something that's going on would be there watching me the entire time.

The other would probably go sit somewhere else because he can't sit up on linoleum since he's little and furry, so he slides down.

mercurial scribe said...

Poor stupid Toby.

At least he's going after food. i'm still trying to figure out what the neon green fuzz that came out of my dog's ass was...

rachel said...

way to start off the new year. <3

nothingbeast said...

Awwww....

Does this mean your blog is done?

Nitefox said...

Haha, Happy New Year!

Here's to new opportunities, a new website, and a newly flushed out doggie digestive system. =)

Next holiday season, you can get him back by "mistakenly" leaving a tray full of peanut butter sandwiches out within his reach. That'll teach him to eat what isn't his.

the_plainsman said...

HA! When I was a kid, my young pup dog knocked a small jar of those silver "BB" cookie decorations off the counter and ate most of them, including some of the broken glass. (Foods came in glass back then!) The vet said pups usually don't eat broken glass, but Laddie was fine!

For another view of the same subject, see today's "Get Fuzzy" comics!

www.xanga.com/the_plainsman

greeneyedjess said...

he'll probably have a little difficulty in the number 2 department for a few days :)

Ray-Ray said...

Hahaha, Toby is a funny character. Which is why I think you guys have such the perfect dog. He fits well for you and Jerry. You're both amusing and funny as Toby is.

Take care, Kelly.

loren said...

Gah poor dog, although it really is his own fault innit? :P
One of my dogs is utterly terrible with food, she eats her dinner in 2 seconds flat. The other one stares and drools (quite disgusting).

I was just wondering, does this mean that you aren't to upload in xanga nows?

Anyhows, have fun!
<3 Loren

Doctor_Nat said...

Feliz Año nuevo Ms. Kelly. Poor Toby....

Anonymous said...

Heh. I'm pretty sure a year ago, you were also talking about Toby's bodily functions. Funny how history repeats itself. ;-)

Lim Jun Jie said...

Happy new year!

You're not updating your Xanga anymore?

Denise said...

One of our cats teams up with one of our dogs. my dad pulled out a pizza box with an entire leftover pizza with jalepenos and pepperoni, put it on the table, left for literally two seconds to answer his phone, walked into the kitchen and the cat had knocked the pizza off and the dog had eaten the entire thing. she had a jalepeno hanging off her lip and sucked it down right as he was at the door.

Michael Bennett said...

Come on, should have used Wordpress, custom layout 100%, and you can cross post to Xanga.

Anonymous said...

Be careful with what he gets a hold of. Some foods can be really harmful to dogs ie: chocolate, onions, garlic, grapes. You might ask your vet for a list. As for the cheese, you'll just have one plugged up dog, if you know what I mean!

nessi1 said...

Glad your story has a happy ending!!!