Monday, January 22, 2007

Three-bean bowels

At some point of dire fridge desolation, Jerry turned to the canned goods in our cupboards and found a whole slew of beans: black, white and light red kidneys. So he decided to make a ghetto three-bean salad by mixing them into a giant bowl, topping them with garlic, a little salt and pepper, and his heavily-relied-upon seasoning staple, Franks hot sauce.

Then he ate the entire thing with a fork.

And loved it.

Now, when it's his turn to go to the store, he buys cans and cans of beans to concoct his favorite makeshift meal. And, in case it wasn't already obvious where I'm going with this, the gastrointestinal symphony Jerry conducts after eating such a feast can be a little jarring. Okay, a lot jarring. Like a skunk sprayed you in the face at close range.

So one night recently while we were laying in bed talking, a wall of stench slapped me in the nostrils mid-sentence.

"OH MY GOD! You've gotta give me a little warning about something like that!"

"What do you want me to do, nod?" he asked sarcastically, laughing.

"Yes. ... Yes, a nice polite nod would be perfect."

But his SBDs stopped being so silent. They were delivered with a cute little toot more appropriate for a small child, but just as deadly as three-bean-bowels Jer.

Then, as if the sound of his butt cheeks squeezing out a live one wasn't warning enough, a very comical blank, yet satisfied look crept across his face as he nodded, his hair swooshing on his pillowcase.

"Cut it out! I heard that one! You don't need to nod when your butt takes care of the announcement for y-- ... OH MY GOD!"

And here's where we get into our regular disagreement. Jerry believes the best way to deal with a fart in bed is to trap it underneath the covers where it languishes out of nose range. But I swear I can feel the skin cells on my lower body curling up and dying. I prefer to quickly waft it out into the open, setting it free where it can mix and mingle with cleaner air particles and dilute instantly.

So what usually ends up happening is Jerry does his best to institute a lockdown on the comforter while I frantically flap whatever portion of it he can't secure. He's usually screaming, "DON'T WAFT IT! DON'T WAFT IT!" while I'm pumping my arms in a seizure-like way screaming, "SET IT FREE! SET IT FREE!"

The rest of the most recent three-bean bowels night continued in much the same way: Jerry tooting, nodding just to make me crazy, him holding down his half of the covers while I pumped my side up and down.

When we thought the worst was over, when Jerry's butt finally seemed to have gotten over the three-bean storm, we turned out the light and said goodnight.

But just as I was drifting off to sleep, trying to dream about anything other than The Bog of Eternal Stench in "The Labyrinth," I heard it.

Toot.

...

Nod.

22 comments:

ajandmac said...

hahaha. ah man. that reminds me of my brothers. always releasing the most awful smelling bodily functions possible...right in my face. way to stick it out through the stinkyness. :)

Sandra Dee said...

I think that's certainly a sign that you two are completely in love with one another when you start talking about farts! Hilarious.

Anonymous said...

that is the funniest damn image i've had in my head in recent history..."Set it free!! Set it free!!" LOL.

-Meghan (bel_amore)

jittersis said...

Kelly, your the only person in the world that can make me laugh outloud at work about a fart. Keep up the good work.

www.xanga.com/the_plainsman said...

We used to be able to land on the moon and maybe China'll do it next, but would they invent some practical device with a sensor that would immediately neutralize the ah, scent? Maybe something woven right into the fabric fibers. 'Course not!

Tiger said...

ROFL!!! I completely sympathize with you Kelly!!! My husband does the SAME thing, except it's not just after beans... It's ALL THE F'n TIME!!

Celine said...

Only you can take something like farts and make it humorous in a mature way.

www.xanga.com/nothingbeast said...

Just be greatful Jerry doesn't partake in the good ol' Dutch Oven.

Such a classic.

Perhaps that's why i'm single. :s

lovechild420 said...

One of my favorite movies :) And I agree "Set it free!" Too funny!

kristen said...

my fiance farted while we were in bed then he proceeded to pull the cover over my face and laugh hysterically. while it was funny, consider yourself lucky..LOL

Marina said...

That's pretty gross. Can't he go use the bathroom and come back? O_o

Allison said...

I'm so glad that my husband isn't the only one who is entirely too proud of his flatulence. I've at least gotten him to the point where he *toots*, giggles and then says 'cuse me.
hey it's progress.

Kristin (xanga.com/GCgirl721) said...

Lmfao. I actually laughed out loud while reading that, lol.

-KrIsTiN-

Anonymous said...

this sounds so much like my fiance and i. what is it with guys wanting to trap in their farts under the covers? i don't get it

~Nikki (firefighter_emt_qt664 from xanga)

Gabriela said...

At least he doesn't pint you down and fart in your face like my boyfriend did once. It was horrible and he was laughing while I was gagging. This entry made me laugh so hard though.

Lim Jun Jie said...

Hahahahhaha!!! It freaking hilarious.

Emale said...

So funny.

Melissa said...

hahaha Farts are funny.

schadenfreude said...

Get Beano. Enforce its use. You must curb this behavior *before* a child is influenced, esp. boy child. Otherwise this will become a beloved father-son bonding ritual.

gina said...

i have to say though, frank's hot sauce makes ANYTHING taste good. i got a free bottle at a volleyball (the AVP) event, and i'm still mourning its loss after i dropped it on the floor.

Amy said...

Ohhh my god... I can just see you and fighting over the trapping and the wafting in bed. Haha! At the risk of repulsing the majority who scan across this comment, my best friend and I do the same thing, but instead of trapping only the fart under the blanket, it's usually the other person as well. What can I say? Immaturity reigns when it comes to flatulence.

Kelly said...

You guys are too funny...another post that had me laughing out loud!