Wednesday, January 3, 2007

Waiting for my heels to heal

Ladies, why do we kill ourselves trying to pull off fancy shoes that look fantastic but could double as terroristic torture devises?

I mean, those red heels might look killer with your butt-lifting black pants and boob-enhancing lacy tank, but there is absolutely nothing sexy about limping. If you can't sell those shoes with a power walk, there is absolutely no point in plunking down $79.95 for them.

And yet, if you're like me, you convince yourself in the store while you're trying them on that the little spot that's rubbing at your Achilles tendon will magically fix itself after you've walked around a bit. They just need to be broken in, that's all.

But it never works that way. Instead of your foot wearing down the leather to a perfect Cinderella fit, the leather wears down your foot creating a huge sore blister you can't ignore -- no matter how hard you try.

Every step is complete agony and you start to fantasize about slipping on a pair of orthopedics. But then you look down at those fabulous shoes and when you see how good they look and how good they make you feel emotionally, if not physically, you bite the bullet and somehow manage to climb that flight of stairs. Leaning heavily on the handrail, of course.

And when you get home, before taking your coat off, maybe even before you put your purse down, you rip those stinking shoes from your body -- in a slow and ginger motion as to not rip any more flesh off with them -- and the relief you feel as your bare foot hits the floor is so gratifying you let out a deep sigh. And at that moment, that sigh feels better than any orgasm possibly could.

Then you have a choice. You could be realistic and put those shoes exactly where they belong: in the trash. Or you could pretend you didn't just have the day from hell solely because of those shoes and place them lovingly back in your footwear repertoire. Just in case.

Yeah, just in case you get amnesia and forget that they started digesting your feet.

But as your feet heal, the sour memory of those shoes fades with it. And eventually you will be standing at your closet, wondering what to wear and those red heels will call out to you.

They did look perfect with black pants and that lacy top. Ooh! And they'd go great with that new red wrap sweater. Look! THEY'RE THE EXACT SAME SHADE! So amazing. ... They didn't hurt that bad, right?

And then the process starts all over again with the same end result. The shoes end up back in the closet instead of angrily hacked into bits and pureed in the garbage disposal where they belong.

So men, I tell you this: Lie. Tell us those shoes are the most fabulous things you've ever seen. (Yes, use the word "fabulous.") Gush about how good we look. Say things like "The shoes make the outfit." And when we secretly confide to you that our feet are killing us, don't tell us to throw them away because we never will. Sympathise. Offer foot rubs. (But don't worry, we won't accept because it would really hurt.)

Whatever you do, don't get angry. It won't solve anything. We won't change. And you might just end up with a heel in your eye. We are very protective about our footwear.

Because it's very possible those shoes will outlive you. Especially because we only wear them twice a year.

18 comments:

Anonymous said...

What a wonderful post? I shared this with a coworker who wears those pointy toed shoes all the time. She knew exactly what you were talking about.

Jenni said...

lol! so true!

oneka said...

If we really wanted to torture our husbands -- or men in general -- we'd make them wear those oh-so-fabulous-but-so-darn-uncomfy shoes for a day.

I, however, have solved the problem by applying preventive, party feet kind band-aid on the spots I know will blister without...

Candi said...

LOL! Know exactly what you mean!

Erin said...

Try this trick (Audrey Hepburn herself did it): Buy those fancy, pretty, pointy heels a 1/2 size too big. It won't help the sore arches, but it will help with blisters, rubbing and pinching.

Anonymous said...

this is so true!!!!!!!!

Amy said...

I know all about that! Steve Madden seems to make the most adorable shoes, but they hurt like a bitch. And I'm cursed because I love them to no end. So, of course, my feet are killing me 4 days out of the week. But it's worth it!

mommydoodle said...

So glad you have your own website. Totally enjoy reading your stories and have for some time now.

You are absolutely right about those shoes, especially RED ones, my personal favorite for fancy shoes.

I have found a few pairs of heels that are made by Life Stride or Easy Spirit but they just aren't as "fashionable" as those Madden ones!

jittersis said...

GREAT POST KELLY AND HOW TRUE!

Amy said...

Ah I know this too well.
I bought some amazing shoes for a wedding.
Spent the whole day hopping about and even spent £45 just to wear them for one
hour and never have reason to put them
on again but atleast when I look at
the pictures I still get to think
'I have the best shoes there'
:D

Melissa said...

Do you have an RSS feed here?

loren said...

So true!!!!!!

AngelCantante said...

So true, so true! I've lived in heels since Autumn ... and I look forward to Spring and flip-flops ...

Anonymous said...

i celebrated new years at darling harbour in sydney and one thing i've noticed are limping and bare foot girls with blister pads or band-aids all around their heels. hahaha..
and i was in a pair of runners.. way to celebrate new years.

cowonahill said...

Wow. That's exactly how it is. You nailed it.

Although, I have to admit, since moving to Vancouver I've been a bit more sensible about shoes, since now I'm walking around everywhere. And it's raining all the time. So I can't really afford to wear stilettos everywhere anymore. Damnit.

Silver said...

Try wearing a pair of soft comfy socks with those fabulous new shoes for ten to fifteen minutes a few days before you have to wear them. It will speed the 'break in' process... most of the time.

judith said...

that is sooo true! you took the words right out of my mouth!

diane said...

I know how that feels. I think I bought 3 footwear that almost killed my feet. I still lovingly stored them in my closet. Waiting for the right moment when "time would soften them." I love your new site. :)