Monday, February 26, 2007

You say 'potato,' Jer says 'plant ovary'

Thanks to a strict set of guidelines piled onto radio personalities by the Federal Communications Commission, Jerry has formed an interesting habit of of how he describes things.

For example, you can't say "penetration" on the air when referring to, well, I think all of you sick bastards immediately went there, so I'll skip the tutorial. Anyway, you can't say that word, so instead, Jerry and other mic wielders across the country are forced to find other, more creative ways to describe things.

And it's carried over into his everyday life.

Vagina? Try hatchet wound.

Having sex? Nope. Snake in the hole.

Or my new personal favorite for masturbation: Playing Dance Dance Revolution. As in, if someone knocks at your door, you scream, "Uh, hold on a minute, I'm playing Dance Dance Revolution!" In Jerry's words, "It immediately explains why you might be a little sweaty and breathing heavily."

His colorful commentary extends way beyond what is deemed vulgar by our government. He gets creative with describing just about anything.

A stupid store salesman? Forget idiot, dumb ass and stupid. Try hogey head. As in, a thick sandwich made mostly of dense bread.

There are so many other examples that it would be impossible to list them all here. Not to mention how time-consuming it would be. The task would take me well into my 60s.

So the other day, when Jerry was standing in the kitchen blowing his nose with all his might into a tissue and moments later exclaimed, "Oh thank GOD! The pineapple finally came out!" I honestly thought nothing of it. I immediately assumed that "pineapple" was his descriptive word for a large snot rocket.

"Ew. I think that falls under the Things We Don't Need to Share With Each other category, Jer."

But he wasn't kidding.

"No, I'm serious. Remember how I choked on that pineapple yesterday afternoon and it got lodged in my nose?"

My jaw dropped open.

"Well, it finally came out!"

I guess sometimes life is colorful enough on it's own not to warrant any vocabulary embellishments whatsoever.


kristin said...

I really want to hear his morning show. This post made me laugh out loud. I love it!

Cat said...

Jerry's so funny. You think Toby got big should start taping Jerry at all times and then make a montage of the Jerryisms. Now that's a YouTube extravaganza just waiting to happen.

http::// said...

Finally had a chance to watch "Toby, The Video" and left a comment there. lol On his eating habit, though, perhaps he does not like the depth of the bowl or eating facing the wall. I know I don't like eating facing a wall (those stand up city places) but perhaps moving the bowl out where Jerry will trip over it not a good idea, either.

As for taking his food out, a bit like wolves in a pack feeding on their prey, they take a bite and eat it a bit away from the carcass, so they can watch for others who would steal it. See how Toby keeps looking around between bites. His instinct kicking in, even though he knows no other dogs are inside the house.

Fun to watch!

kimiedawn said...

Men. So full of things we don't want to know, but they can't help sharing. And the Tobey video, my little dog eats the exact same way. I don't get it at all, but maybe taking it out of the bowl and rubbing it around in some dirt somehow makes it taste better.

ketra1416 said...

It's funny how something so gross can be so funny.

Janice said...

oh geez! I just had an insane visual with that pineapple! haha! :) I can only imagine the random things he says... said...

Just testing out the http thing on the previous post.

And tell Jerry that i've had many things lodged in my nose after choking on them.

Most memorable was the giant piece of lettuce that was hurled across the room from a mighty sneeze.

Alana said...

I hope I never get pineapple stuck in my nose because seeing it fly across the room would make me never want to eat it again and... I like pineapple too much. Plus if I ever get to Hawaii and I hate pineapple, what would I eat?! haha, jk.

Very funny post though, thanks for the laughs!

chelsea said...

thats so funny! you really should record some of the things he says. (by the way, i added you to my protected post list on xanga, since xanga can get mighty sketchy!)

Lewis said...

Best. Post. Ever.

shimajan said...

ha! (mmm pineapple..)

Lucie said...

this is probably one of my favorite posts you've written. Made me literally laugh out loud. very loud.

yvonne said...

oh dear....i can NOT imagine breathing with a pineapple up my nose.

you two are quite a pair :)

yvonne said...

and, what a horrible way to describe a vagina! hahah