Thanks to a strict set of guidelines piled onto radio personalities by the Federal Communications Commission, Jerry has formed an interesting habit of of how he describes things.
For example, you can't say "penetration" on the air when referring to, well, I think all of you sick bastards immediately went there, so I'll skip the tutorial. Anyway, you can't say that word, so instead, Jerry and other mic wielders across the country are forced to find other, more creative ways to describe things.
And it's carried over into his everyday life.
Vagina? Try hatchet wound.
Having sex? Nope. Snake in the hole.
Or my new personal favorite for masturbation: Playing Dance Dance Revolution. As in, if someone knocks at your door, you scream, "Uh, hold on a minute, I'm playing Dance Dance Revolution!" In Jerry's words, "It immediately explains why you might be a little sweaty and breathing heavily."
His colorful commentary extends way beyond what is deemed vulgar by our government. He gets creative with describing just about anything.
A stupid store salesman? Forget idiot, dumb ass and stupid. Try hogey head. As in, a thick sandwich made mostly of dense bread.
There are so many other examples that it would be impossible to list them all here. Not to mention how time-consuming it would be. The task would take me well into my 60s.
So the other day, when Jerry was standing in the kitchen blowing his nose with all his might into a tissue and moments later exclaimed, "Oh thank GOD! The pineapple finally came out!" I honestly thought nothing of it. I immediately assumed that "pineapple" was his descriptive word for a large snot rocket.
"Ew. I think that falls under the Things We Don't Need to Share With Each other category, Jer."
But he wasn't kidding.
"No, I'm serious. Remember how I choked on that pineapple yesterday afternoon and it got lodged in my nose?"
My jaw dropped open.
"Well, it finally came out!"
I guess sometimes life is colorful enough on it's own not to warrant any vocabulary embellishments whatsoever.