I'm having a really difficult time allowing myself to embrace this pregnancy. As excited as I am, I can't help but think about all of the potential problems that can arise. Not to mention the vivid memories of the physical and emotional pain I went through just a few short months ago.
Yesterday I called to make my first prenatal appointment, and I ended up voicing all of my fears to an unsuspecting receptionist. Fortunately, she was a new mother, herself. A new mother who experienced three miscarriages before giving birth for the first time a few months ago. With her advice that the best thing I can do is to relax, take care of myself and take naps, I took a deep breath and vowed to do just that.
But like a lot of things in life, it's easier said than done. On the days that I have continual cramping, I worry that I'm not developing right and something is wrong. On the days that I don't experience any cramping at all, I worry that the baby stopped growing and something is wrong. Basically, no matter what, I'm worrying.
I'm just waiting to see that flicker of light on an ultrasound.
Then maybe I'll be able to let go of my fears.