Tuesday, March 27, 2007

I've stooped to watching Dr. Phil

There's a lot going on in my life right now that I can't write about ... for reasons I can't write about. And not having this blog as an outlet is only adding to my stress.

Sure, I know I can write privately. And I've been doing that somewhat, but it's just not the same. I know I shouldn't need feedback to write. I know I shouldn't need other people to weigh in and tell me everything will work out, but I guess I do.

So I've just sort of stopped. If I can't write about what I want to write about, it feels forced. And I don't enjoy it.

Oddly enough, I don't realize what a healthy thing this blog has been for me until I stop writing. Instead of spending that hour or so every morning reflecting, I've been sitting on the couch watching garbage morning television. I can almost feel myself slipping into mush. A bland blob of blah.

Sure, I realize I'm a little depressed at the moment. Depressed out of worry and frustration because of a situation that is out of my control. And the worst part is I can't talk about it. I can't write about it. And yet it consumes almost every single thought of every single day and night.

And just for the record, Jerry and I are fine. My family is fine. Toby is fine. There are a lot worse things I could be going through. I know I have a lot to be thankful for.

Maybe I'll write more when I can.


Maria said...

Write more soon, it's an important part of my morning- I miss your blog!

Tiffany said...

Sending good vibes your way... :-)

Anonymous said...

i went through a mini cant post can blog cant vent spell.
actually i posted for the first time in a long time tonight.
there are things and times you just cant put it out there but somehow you feel like if you could just put some sort of "blog" spin on it and people bounced back some feedback on you it would make more sense.
i hope that through it all you are ok.

Melinda Hale said...

I bet I can take a good guess at what is going on.

But even if I can't, thinking of you...

Take a bubbly bath : )

Amy said...

Atleast you know that when
you get through it (which you will)
you can blog about it... or maybe
you wont even need to which might
make you feel even better.

Hope everything gets better soon.

the Plainsman said...

Gee, Kelly, you once said that you were tallish, but I have heard that Dr. Phill is over six feet tall, and you have to stoop to see him?

I try.

Well, we are here to read your blog. Or to send you our thoughts and wishes, hoping that the skies brighten for you soon and that all will turn out well.

Will check back in the AM.

Anonymous said...

You're in my thoughts.

Kristen said...

i don't comment a lot, but i read your blog every day. i hope whatever is going on will turn out okay. you're in my thoughts!

Marsha said...

Hugs. I hate when you can't talk about something.
I have my fingers crossed for you, but I sort of kind of have a guess. Time will tell.
I miss your posts!

Beth said...

It is terrible for a writer to be going through something so dark, to wrestle with something that takes away the one thing that makes everything fall into place. When you cannot write, as you said, you cannot talk. I have been there, myself, and I was astounded, the first time, that my words failed me so.

I will not speculate on what your issues might be--although I do think I know--but I will double my prayers for you, for peace and healing and clarity in all the dark places. And because you are so gifted, so strong, so intelligent, I know you will come out all right in the end.

Be good to yourself today. There are so many of us who love you. Count me among them.

Kristin said...

I hope everything turns out alright for you. Trying times can't last forever. Even if it seems like they might.

Julie said...

Well, it seems like there's a bunch of us who think we know what's going on. I just wonder if we're all thinking the same thing...

My thoughts and prayers are with you right now. I miss your blogs. If this was xanga and you had footprints, you'd know I've been stalking you, checking in several times a day just to see if you'd written anything yet.


Teme said...

Sending good thoughts your way and best of best wishes for things to work out well.

Meghan said...

trust me, we all have times when we just want to wallow. i think it's healthy (to a point)...as long as you have one person who doesn't mind listening. i feel like it's a balance that way--you're not talking about your situation over and over again to each friend, feeling like you're passing on the stress, but you're not internalizing it either. best wishes in making it through whatever is going on, just keep the big picture in mind and i'm sure you'll get through it!

Karrie said...

I read your blog every day, but I rarely comment. I'm sorry you're going through something crappy right now. Just imagine what you know all of us would say if you were to blog about it, and maybe that might help just a tiny bit.

Maybe it's time for a mini weekend vacation? Jerry can leave around 11am on Fridays, right?

I hope you can find a way to not let it consume you for too long.

Ray said...

I hope that whatever you're going through you'll get through it quickly. I'm going through something really shitty myself which I wrote about in my Xanga. Only I tried to go around it, as well as not trying to keep everything a secret.

I find myself trying to get myself to stop writing as well. But I can't. It calls to me. I'm a writer, and whether it's a shitty one or not, I know I can't EVER stop writing. Not FOREVER anyway. Writing's my outlet, my love, it's everything to me.

So I hope that with your private writings you can get some peace from that. Hopefully it'll take a chunk off of your stressed shoulders.

Take care, Kelly.