Saturday, March 3, 2007

Sometimes it's all about the trip, not the destination

Apparently walking across a shopping center parking lot from one store to another instead of driving is a lot like crossing miles of frozen tundra on foot without food, water or proper protection.

Well, to Jerry, anyway.

When Jer suggested Friday afternoon that we go to one of my favorite sandwich places for lunch then stop at a few stores to pick up some necessities -- new socks for him and a hairdryer for me -- I agreed. It was a beautiful day in central Pennsylvania, almost springlike, and it was my first day off after eight consecutive days of working, and nothing sounded better than a frontega chicken panini from Panera Bread and a visit to Target. I mean, that's what I expect heaven to be like. Frontega chicken sandwiches and Target stores as far as the eye can see.

During lunch, I remembered that I had a coupon to the arts and crafts store right across the parking lot. And I knew that Jerry would agree to accompany me if I promised to go into the adjacent pet store, too.

On the way to his car, I suggested we walk, instead. After all, the sun was shining and I had recently let a gigantic hunk of rosemary foccia take residence in my stomach. Besides, if nothing else, Al Gore would be proud we conserved gasoline. And Al Gore was the hit of the Oscars.

So Jer and I began our trek. And we didn't make it 10 feet before he started complaining that "This was a BAD IDEA." Mostly because we came to a foot-high ridge of snow aligning one of the cement traffic lane dividers.

"MY FEET ARE WET NOW!" Jerry protested after seemingly stepping directly into the snow pile on purpose.

"Shake it off, mister, shake it off," I said, laughing. Then I summoned my best Rob Schneider impression. "You can do eet!"

Ten steps later, he started complaining that he was cold. "Um, I would've worn a winter hat if I had known we'd be entering the Olympics after lunch."

"What? Are you seriously comparing this little walk to an Olympic event?"

"Yes. ... My hair is blowing all around in my face."

"We're on a mountain ridge."

"Exactly."

"Exactly, what?"

"Only a car can withstand these winds."

"Oh, you're crazy. We're almost there. It'd take longer to walk back to the car, now."

"Yeah but then we'd be at the car."

"So?"

"And we wouldn't have to walk back."

"Oh my--"

"I CAN'T SEE! MY HAIR'S ALL IN MY FACE. ... WALKING SUCKKKKS!"

"We take Toby on walks all the time!"

"That's different."

"How?"

"Because that's not in a parking lot."

"So?"

"And Toby gives walking purpose."

"A store destination isn't purpose?"

"No."

"Why not?"

"Because that's a driving destination, not a walk."

"You're a pain in the ass, you know that?"

"This walk is a pain in my ass. Seriously. I think I pulled an ass muscle. I'm gonna die. Right here in this parking lot. I'm not gonna make it. This is the end for me."

"Yeah, you're probably right. It's amazing we've already survived these Arctic winds and huge ice bergs."

"By the way, I don't give you permission to live off my carcass."

"You wouldn't have to give me permission. You'd be dead."

"You'd defile my dead body against my wishes?"

"YOU'D BE DEAAAAD."

"Fine. I'd find explosives and blow your body up just for fun."

"Where would you find explosives in this desolate wasteland?"

"I'd hike back to the car and drive and buy them."

"At Target?"

"Oh yeaaAAH! WHY DIDN'T WE JUST GO TO TARGET, AGAIN? THIS SUCKS!"

"Look. We made it. ... Wanna go in the pet store first?"

"Totally."

17 comments:

http://www.xanga.com/nothingbeast said...

Just be greatful he's more clever than most guys who just stoop to a never ending chorus of "AREWETHEREYETAREWETHEREYETAREWETHEREYET?"
;)

"Quiet on the set!" Action!, Dir. by the Plainsman said...

This dialog would fit neatly into a "bridge scene" in a movie!

Kristen said...

men *shakes head* my honey pie did the same thing to me today. we went to an exhibit at our local civic center. i parked in the parking garage ACROSS the street. i heard about the walk the whole way there. *sigh* lol

Acrossbluewater said...

Jerry is secretly a sissy huh? Or not so secretly. Tell him to woman-up, and walk like he means it. Ass-shaking and all. ;-)

Ray said...

Jerry is a TRIP! You gotta love him! And by the way I always wanted to know, "How do you remember ever word of your conversations? I find it awesome that you have such a great memory."

Take care, Kelly.

Kristin said...

Lmfao...Hey, we have a shopping center with a Panera Bread store and a Target, and a Petstore, in Maine, too, lol. Not that that's relevant to anything, but I had to point that out, lol. And it was nice out on Friday in Pennsylvania? We got like, a foot of snow, lol. You suck :|








jk.

-KrIsTiN-

Silverwolf said...

Ohmygod I miss frontega chicken sandwiches from Panera... ...Think that and a thing of white chicken chili from Applebee's would make it through the mail to Iraq? :D

Mia said...

I've only been to Panera once, and i didn't have a good experience, but this was way back in 6th grade (aka 5 years ago), so maybe I'll try again.
As for target, that is possibly my most favorite store on the planet.

I bet my boyfriend would do the same thing, haha. Oh gosh.

Randall said...

Hehehe... it is the journey, I agree! I also will join you in Panera/Target heaven however mine will include only SuperTargets and whole wheat baguettes dipped in Panera chicken noodle soup with a side caesar salad.

xanga.com/junjie1800 said...

i was wondering if you could provide me with your blog's RSS feed...

Ray said...

RYC: Thanks for taking the time to come out to my site I appreciate it. ;o)

Monica said...

HAHAHAHAHA!!! "pulled an ass muscle". hahahaha :)

Molly said...

ryc: I can't believe you came out to my site. Thank you!

And your comment made me smile.

Jennifer said...

You two crack me up!

Marina said...

Silly americans. Haha. And we wonder why there's an obesity problem. ;)

Nutkin's Ho said...

ahahaha...that cracks me up!

Soooooo sad. :P

Nutkin's Ho said...

Also, is the Panera Bread store a US only thing? I've never heard of it before.