Tuesday, April 10, 2007

A bladder matter

If a woman's pregnant body was a math equation, I think it would look something like this:

Boobs > Bladder

In other words, the boobs are directly related to, but inversely proportional to, the bladder.

Or, in other, other words: I think part of my bladder has inexplicably found its way into my boobs. Or something.

Because I certainly can't explain all the peeing. I mean, where is all this liquid coming from? I don't remember drinking enough throughout the day to send me running to the toilet every 62 seconds. It's like as soon as my bladder detects that even the slightest amount of space has been filled, my brain receptors tell me it's time to go to the bathroom. Again. Right now. If not sooner. Or you'll find yourself in a very embarrassing situation and people will start calling you Miss Piss Pants behind your back.

Once I'm there, I get a few blissful seconds of relief. But that relief feels good. Unzipping-a-too-tight-pair-of-jeans good. Taking-off-those sky-high-heels-that-you've-worn-all-day good. Sitting-down-on-a-bench-at-a-mall-to-eat-a-warm-salty-pretzel-after-a-long-afternoon-of-shopping good.

But as soon as I stand up and zip up, the clock starts ticking again. I know I'm on borrowed bladder time and that the toilet and I will be seeing each other again soon. So soon that it's ridiculous to flush every time that I go. If I did, not only would someone from the local water authority show up at my front door asking to check whether a pipe burst, but I'm pretty sure whatever reservoir our community runs off of would dry up. It would spark a huge investigation because all the fish and aquatic life would die, then an angry mob would pound on my door demanding an explanation. And all I would be able to say is, "Hold on a sec, I've gotta pee."

So I flush, on average, every four times or so. And that seems to amount to one non-pregnant trip to the bathroom. Of course, this only applies to my own toilets at home. When I'm in public, I flush every time -- because I don't want people whispering the words "forgot" and "flush" behind my back. To hell with water conservation. I have a reputation to uphold. One that involves basic personal hygiene.

The nights are the worst. If I didn't get up at least two times to stumble to the bathroom, I'd end up having to change my sheets every day. That, and depending on where my dog has wedged his tiny body, the morning might require some puppy shampoo, too.

So when I start dreaming about waterfalls or swimming pools or whatever it is that wakes me up with an immediate urge to expel my bladder, I oblige. I battle grogginess, darkness and door frames, because otherwise I would find myself asking a sales associate somewhere if they make plastic sheets for queen-sized beds. A, uh, friend of mine wants to know.

And during these frequent bathroom jaunts, I can't help but wonder where my bladder capacity went. I know there's the scientific explanation that my body is now a whirling pool of fluid that handles twice the amount that it used to in order to sustain this new life I'm carrying. I also know that this new life is encased in my uterus, which is neighbors with my bladder.

But all that seems so, I don't know, mumbo jumbo-ey.

I prefer to think that part of my bladder migrated up to my chest cavity and took up residence in my breasts. Because God knows my cups runneth over these days. And that is an explanation I can wrap my head around, if not my bra.


ajandmac said...


you just wrote about pee.

so awesome.

i was thinking as i was reading, how great it is that you are out there [wherever you are] writing this morning, and im out here [wherever i am] reading this morning. how i really need to go brush my teeth, and flush my toilet, so i can get to work on time, but these few precious quiet hours of the morning always suck me in.

thanks for writing.

Kristin said...

I never thought about it that way but it makes total sense. When you lose it, it has to go somewhere right?

Good luck! :)

Marsha said...

I love your writing! You can make pregnancy funny. I cannot wait to read about the rest of the journey. (The funny thing is in mid pg, you quit the incessant peeing, and start up again towards the end, for more obvious reasons)
Your boobs, however, will remain enormous until you quit breastfeeding. (Unless they are over two, the boobaliciousness factor fades by then)
Good luck and I am so happy for you!

Julie said...

"Hold on a sec, I've gotta pee."

Bahaha!! That cracked me up.

Jennifer said...

Well compare this, the average woman's body;


To this, the full term pregnant woman's body,

and know that it only gets worse!!

Hang in there!!

Jennifer said...

Ok links didn't work! Let me try it this way:

Non Pregnant


Hopefully that will work or else I give up. You'll have to jump to my pic of the week archive for Aug. 2006 if you want to see 'em I suppose.

bobthetomato84 said...

actually, for inversely proportional it would be

boobs = 1/bladder

and in your case it sounds like bladder << 1 :P

bobthetomato84 said...

actually, for inversely proportional it would be

boobs = 1/bladder

and in your case it sounds like bladder << 1 :P

Anonymous said...

Good LORD! My intense peeing didn't start until about the 4th or 5th month! You got a long road ahead girlie. Start reading up on things to do to induce labor now, because by that 9th month, you will be begging for that baby to be born.

kimiedawn said...

Welcome to the blissful world of pregnancy. Oh and sorry to say but the peeing thing gets way worse. Look at it this way, it's your body's way of getting you ready for those restless nights. Although I had mine 7 years ago and I still to this day get up twice a night. The sacrifices we make for our children. But it is soo worth it.

Lauren said...

I hear you. When I was pregnant it was about the only thing I knew how to do. Puke and pee. Puke and pee. And if I was really lucky, while I was puking I'd pee myself a little bit. Always loved that one.

aahcoffee said...

It will get better after the first trimester...and then get WAY worse the last trimester. LOL.

Janice said...

I love it when people can post about something like peeing. Makes me happy :)

Chelsea said...

I love how open you are on your blog! Hahaha

Tiffany said...

LOL... I can't wait to read about the rest of your journey :-)

me, a second rate reporter said...

Fast Forward to the July 4, 2007 edition of the Altoona Times...


ALTOONA,PA: Authorities were investigating the cause of the mysterious loss of all water in the Altoona Reservior nestled inside of the famous Pennsylvania Railroad's Horshoe Curve. Loss of tourist dollars have put this city in a tailspin says radio jock Jerry in the AM, who added it may be a result of Global Warming or simply someone flushing too often. The Times has put our top investigative unit on the story, but when asked if the cause had been determined, Editor Kelly simply said, excuse me, I have to pee...###

Ray said...

"I also know that this new life is encased in my uterus, which is neighbors with my bladder."

"Because God knows my cups runneth over these days."

^^^Too cute. I look forward to more pregnancy posts like this. Peeing 24/7 must be hell! How do you do it in public?!

Well take care, Kelly. ;-)

Ray said...

P.S. Has that, "Pint-a-day ice cream habit" got any bigger?

::Wink, Wink::

Ashley said...

Be careful when you sneeze or cough. That could be bad.


Amy said...

Never have I read such an interesting
post about peeing.
I actually now have to go and read
it to my family.

Pregnancy cheaper than any boob job!

sandra said...

Glad to know someone feels my pain....I just found out I will be having number two about mid December of 2007.

I have lost count the number of times I have been to the bathroom in the last 3 days and it's only the beginning. Ah well, I think it will be better this time as I know what to expect.

We can gripe together!