Wednesday, April 4, 2007

Pass me the tissues before I kick your ass

I've never been much of a cryer. In fact, I used to think my tear ducts were defunct. It took extreme situations like getting dropped off at college for the first time or breaking a finger to get me to shed even the slightest tear.

But now? Now? With all these stupid girl hormones coursing through me? Forget about it. I cried watching WRESTLING. Yes, wrestling. As in professional wrestling where steroid-laden men hurt themselves on purpose.

But one of my favorites was bleeding. Bleeding real blood. Yes, Jerry has explained to me numerous times that these men load up on aspirin to thin their blood before a match, causing it to leak out of their face with gusto when they get slammed in the forehead with a metal folding chair. He has also explained that they get split open so many times that it takes little to nothing to do it. And besides, he says, they're getting compensated enough financially to wipe up the mess with hundred dollar bills.

And yet, even knowing all that, Shawn Michaels was hurt. And before you get all, "Woa, um, Kelly? You watch wrestling? Enough to have a favorite?" on me, I can explain. Jerry is an avid fan. I would say he's a rabid fan, but I don't want him to sideline me to the ground and put me in a sleeper hold.

Anyway, Jer took me to a live show when we first started dating, and with his radio connections, we got to escort his station's contest winners backstage to meet a few wrestlers.

Well, I couldn't have been less interested. I mean, I wouldn't have been able to pick out any of these people if they passed me on the street, so I was the only one backstage without that crazy obsessed fan gleam in their eyes. Not to mention I was the only one with a vagina.

So when I met this one wrestler and he blatantly started hitting on me in front of my future husband, not only was Jerry pumped that one of his childhood heroes wanted to sleep with his girlfriend, but I sort of thought it was cool that someone famous thought I was hot.

Here's where my memory gets a little fuzzy. I thought the person hitting on me was Shawn Michaels. But I guess it was someone else who looked like Shawn Michaels. Either way, even though we were sitting ringside and I should've been able to discern whether it was the same person I had shaken hands with moments earlier, I remember watching Shawn's match thinking, "That guy totally loves me." And, thus, my favorite wrestler was born. Even though, um, I guess it wasn't him.

And as our relationship progressed -- mine and Jerry's, not me and the wrestler -- I became more knowledgeable about pro-wrestling. And even though I have a hard time signing up for every pay-per-view, it's Jerry's "favorite day of the whole year." I mean, "The undertaker is 14-0 for Wrestlemania and he's going head-to-head with Batista for the World Heavyweight Championship!"

With that kind of a buildup (and Jerry selling it by saying it in a pretend crazy wrestler voice and pumping his arms like he was the one going up for the title), I agreed to watch it with him.

Everything was going fine until Shawn started bleeding. Not only am I squeamish about that sort of thing, but it was almost as if I could feel his pain. Not the physical pain. A deep emotional pain of having to earn a living by getting hurt every week on national television.

So I cried.

And when Jerry asked in his oh-so-concerned way, "What the hell is wrong with you?" instead of explaining the intricacies of how a long career of wrestling could foster some deep-seeded emotional issues, I somehow got to the root of the problem and voiced it accordingly.

"I'M PREGNANT!"

It was screamed in sort of a "DON'T FUCK WITH ME OR I'LL DO WAY WORSE TO YOU THAN MR. KENNEDY CHOKE SLAMMING THE EDGE THROUGH A METAL LADDER OFF A 20-FOOT DROP!"

And I'm pretty sure I got my point across: Don't make fun of my tears that I can't explain or prevent or I'll literally bite your face off the same way a female praying mantis eats her mate.

Now go get me a tissue.

21 comments:

Anonymous said...

It's ok. Let it out. Crying is good for the soul at hormonal times like these.

Tiffany said...

*hands over the tissue box*

It's okay, we'll listen :-)

Kristin said...

Hormones can do some crazy things to your body. Crying at wrestling is not a bad one :)

Julie said...

Well said.

Pauline said...

Cry away, we'll be here to listen and comfort :]
You just explained my sisters proneness to crying these last few months, too. Thank you for that. I was wondering if she was permanently a turned-on faucet. Which not uh, not to say is a bad thing! Don't get me wrong ;]

kimiedawn said...

Oh boy I was the same way when I was pregnant, and when I'm getting that time of the month. Other than that I never cry, so me fiancee always know when it's coming! It's okay at least your not at the stage yet where your the evil pregnant woman! It will come trust me.

gora_kagaz said...

haha! you made me laugh out loud with this one. thanks!

esther said...

haha that was a great post!!

gora_kagaz said...

oh, and there's nothing wrong with being a girl and knowing abt wrestling. my brothers used to be huge fans [i was their punching bag, unfortunately], so i knew abt the wrestlers, too. now, not so much. and, um, Shawn Michaels is still wrestling? i guess he's more of a "Heart-Break Man" than "Heart-Break Kid" now :]

Timberly said...

I think I have wedding hormones, because I cry at the mention of a sappy song or romantic novel. I almost had a meltdown in the gym last week when someone tuned to TV to "The Bachelor" and there were all these girls dressed as brides chasing Chris O'Donnell.

Marsha said...

Oh, Lord, do I ever remember!
Like you, I thought I was pretty tough and didn't cry. Oh, all those phone commercials and Hallmark commercials. I knew I was done for the day I was crying over an episode of that Roseanne Barr sitcom.
But crying over wrestling? I pass the golden tissue box to you, my friend!

www.xanga.com/nothingbeast said...

Whoops!

Guess I only miss the really big announcements. Just goes to show what happens when I forget to read my daily blogs. ;)

Congrats!!!

Amy said...

haha he'll learn not to mess with you
soon.

I'm also a wrestling fan and shawn
michaels is one of my favourites
along with the hardy boys and HHH
so glad I'm not the only girl who
watches it :)

Janice said...

Agreed. Men are so perplexed when it comes to crying...or showing any emotion at all actually....

Emily Mc said...

I haven't been able to tune in in a long time, but what a perfect time to catch up with your blog! Congratulations on your pregnancy!!!

And there, there.

Chelsea said...

There's nothing wrong with crying at wrestling! The sight of blood is enough to make me cry (and I'm also pretty strong).

AngelCantante said...

I hadn't been to your blog for several days because I was rather busy ... and I read this entry first, not knowing your wonderful surprise! Congratulations! I'll be praying for you and your baby.

"hammerlock" plainsman said...

Betta not watch too much of thet stuff cause they say babies start learnin bout everything thets goin round them even before they are borned. Unless you want lil Kelly or Jer in duh ring, thet is!

Ray said...

Wow, hormonal at two months. Jerry better watch out!

Take care, Kelly. ;o)

Caryn said...

Wow Kelly. I am soooo happy for you. I truly truly am. Congratulations!

I know you will be a brilliant, loving, wonderful mother. And Jerry will be the daddy that all other kids will envy. (He's just cool like that, y'know?)

I could just cry myself, I'm so very very happy for you.

I wish you many more blessings and love for you and your growing family.

jsi said...

Having a favorite wrestler: it has been a long road coming. And I agree, it is a ahrd life to earn your living by getting hurt on national tv every week. And wiping up you rblood with $100 bills doesn't seem to make it any more humane.
Sorry your buddy got bloody