Sunday, May 6, 2007

Just slap a 'Kick Me' sign on their back and be done with it

I know the trend in baby names is something completely unique and individual and different like "Jackhammer Concrete" for a boy or "Banana Tastycake" for a girl, but, um, well ... I think it's absolutely ridiculous. That's what pets are for. If you like the name "Grass" that much, go buy a dog.

In our absolute jubilation at me being pregnant again, Jerry and I spontaneously purchased a baby names book before we even started sharing the news. It's titled "50,000+ Best Baby Names."

On the drive home from the store, I pulled out the book and started reading aloud some of the suggestions for boys.

"Hooker"

"Jagit"

"Rugby"

"Seriously? Hooker?" I asked. "As an actual name? For a boy?"

"I wonder if 'Prostitute' is in there for girls," Jerry said, laughing. "Or maybe just 'Street' as the first name and 'Walker' as the middle name."

"This book sucks," I said. "What happened to names like Mark or Jessica?"

"Apparently they died."

My frustration grew as I continued browsing.

"Johnny-Dodd" (Born with overalls and a toothpick in his mouth.)

"Kance" (Just like France, only with a K for fun!)

"Manley" (And what if he turns out anything but?)

Okay, maybe the girls names would be better.

"Baba" (As in, what's likely to be among their first words as they attempt to say "bottle.")

"Buzzie" (Why not name your kid after the sound that a bee makes?)

"Davisnell" (Because throwing random syllables together is FUN!)

"That book should be named '1,000 Actual Baby Names and 49,001+ Bullshit Words," Jerry said.

Then I saw it. The coup de grace.

"Oh my God," I said.

"What?"

"That's it. This book is total garbage."

There, among the "B" names was the WORST NAME EVER for a child: Bacon.

"BACON? BACON? SERIOUSLY? YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST NAME YOUR KID 'PIG FAT'!"

We didn't look at the book much after that. Anything that suggests something that cruel for the little being inside of me is not worth consulting.

We'll do just fine on our own.

And if our child grows up to hate our choice?

I'll just say, "Be thankful we didn't name you Hooker or Bacon."

41 comments:

rachel elizabeth said...

Bacon? You have got to be kidding me. What is this world coming to? Yay for normalcy! <3

Rochester Zen Center said...

(snort) Your father wanted to name you "Elvis."

julie said...

My friend Andrea's parents almost named her Chandelier.

Cindi said...

Yeah, there are some pretty whacked out names. Jason Lee named his kid Pilot Inspektor. No joke. It's like they are asking for his to get his ass kicked in school....LOL

ajandmac said...

hahahahaha. bacon. wow. that is seriously disturbed.

my friend and i read your blog basically every day. most of the time we read it out loud to each other so we can laugh together, and "oo" and "aww" over your baby stories. so while we were shopping in Kohls yesterday, we got this sudden urge to check out the maternity section...just for you.

20-something college students. no chance of pregnancy. in maternity clothes mindset.

you ARE affecting lives!

Tiffany said...

I can't wait to hear your choices :-)

I want our kids to have 'different' names, but by different I mean, something that 3 other kids in their class won't have. Not different like bacon. Still normal. Ha!

Anonymous said...

Manley was a nickname for Almanzo, Laura Ingalls Wilder's husband. Bacon and Hooker were probably people who used maiden names as first names without thinking it through (Sir Francis Bacon or William Hooker). People can be stupid.

sarahcarroll22 said...

You have got to be kidding me! Now I'm GLAD my name is Sarah!

Banana Tastycake does have a certain ring to it, though.

Jennifer said...

hahaha!! So funny. Sounds like you were reading the dictionary instead of a baby name book. Geez... my 1st daughter's name is out there (Yuna) but its not anywhere near Bacon!!

Erin said...

Actually, the appropriate pronunciation of the name Bacon is "Bah-cuhn," which as everyone knows is French for "I'm making this up as I go along." :)

I'm always reminded of the Dave Attell routine when I listen to friends talk about baby names....

QBobicus said...

Ooo, is that kind of a horizontally-formatted pale blue book? With cartoon babies all over the front, some being carried by storks? If so, that's my favorite baby name book ever (used for fiction writing at this point) - IF we're talking about the old, mid-1980s version. I bought the updated version in the early 2000s and was appalled.

Kay said...

Wow those names suck.

mom said...

Your aunt is wrong. Your father wanted to name you Lu-Lu or Elmo.
Guess I won.

oneka / Petra said...

Jennifer mentioned that her daughter's name is Yuna. If I'm pronouncing it right, it's said exactly the same way as the Finnish word "juna" meaning "train" (as the vehicle).

In Finland some of the traditional names are coming back. On the other hand, my name (Petra) is not very common -- compared to some other names, like Elina -- in my age group. I used to didn't like my name, I wanted to be called something "fancier" (in my opinion), like Kristiina. But with time I've learned to really like my name which is of Greek origin and means rock.

Sheryl said...

You've got to check out www.notwithoutmyhandbag.com/babynames. My sister-in-law found it a few years ago---the commentary is priceless!

www.xanga.com/nothingbeast said...

We got a BIG ASS book of baby names in to the radio station, because one of my co-workers gets lots of books.

I turned to Z just to see what names were there.

"Zero."
I swear to God, they had the name Zero... then gave a brief description of what it meant! Like I don't know what Zero means.

And the description wasn't even flowery or "Mighty Hunter"-esk.... just "Nothing. Having none of one kind of object."
o_0

Pauline said...

Seriously? Bacon? Damn. My parents almost named me Hanalei. That's up there with bacon, easily. I still don't like my overly unqiue name all that much.

Chelsea said...

Bits would make a great middle name for Bacon!

You should try eating Luna bars, because they're full of healthy stuff and a 100% Vitamin C to keep you and the baby healthy! The chocolate peppermint is probably the best, and it actually tastes good!

Its fun to look up what names mean in other parts of the world, like mine means line in the road in England =)

Beth said...

I've seen some dillies in my day, too...

--a girl named Tia Maria, because her parents drank the whole bottle the night they conceived her

--a girl named Montana RedSkye because her parents ran off to Red Sky, Montana, and deliberately conceived this child there so their SPOUSES WOULD AGREE TO A DIVORCE

--a girl named Chevee, pronounced Chevay, because she was conceived in the back seat of a...you guessed it

--ditto a girl named KeyLargo Mooney, conceived under a full moon in...you guessed it

And then there's the classic things that people do to go along with the last name: my husband went to school with girls named Maggie May Manifold and Candy Fudge. And I'm not kidding. I MET these girls at the class reunion

I prefer classic names, because the cutesie things that are adorable when they're babies don't sound so professional and all that when they're grown. We wanted our daughter's name to mean something, and so when we adopted her we named her Elizabeth (for her birth mother, Lizz, and me, Beth) Rose (for my mother) Christine (for our baby angel). We call her Betsy Rose. And she can tell you every detail of her name; she loves its significance.

Emilee said...

Unfortunately, I'm stuck with an extremely common name. I know about 20 other Emily's, at least mine is spelled with two e's.

And I have a friend named Paradise. Paradise Heaven to be exact. Pretty out there as well.

Anonymous said...

I know someone who named their son Noah Turbo. Noah, ok I get that but TURBO?! What were they thinking? I guess they love cars that much.

aahcoffee said...

When I was pregnant with our first child (our daughter, Emilie) I once threw the baby name book across our living room. "Why'd you do that?" my husband asked. I replied..."50,000 names and not a one I like!!!"

Janice said...

Yumm... Bacon. That would be horrible. I have the Baby Name Wizard which I really love and it's very helpful with names that you can actual fathom naming your child. I used those books because I write a lot of short stories for publication and I need names that fit the characters. It's a good book :) Good luck!!

bc said...

I'm not sure if Andy's Frozen Custard exists up north, well, more north than Texas but "Jackhammer Concrete" is a type of custard that you can buy there. The jackhammer is usually strawberries or something mixed in the middle of plain vanilla/chocolate custard. SOOOOO, it's so crazy that you just happended to say that, but you probably would know about Andy's if you said that so now i realize that i'm a big goober. :)

Shy said...

I love your site, I've been reading for awhile and given the subject and my name I had to respond!!
You should have a suggestion name post, of course, I don't know how well it will fly telling your baby that they were named from a website contest but who knows, yo umight get a good one!!

I say Annabelle! (to throw something uncommon but not too common)

=D

Marina said...

Wow. Just... wow.
I'm right there with you with the "unique" baby names. They just need to STOP.
In other news, I overheard a mother yelling at her daughter, (who was running all over the Blockbuster screaming) "Aries! ARIEEESSS!! You better stop that RIGHT NOW. You're just lucky we're in public."

Uh, that's some good parenting right there. Yessiree.

Anonymous said...

Girl: Combine your and Jer's mom's names.
Boy: Combine your and Jer's dad's names.

=]

Ray said...

Ohmygoodness that book is in one word, "Insane!" On channel 52 they gave a special called, "Vh1 All Access: Wacky Baby Names" and the names were really atrocious (they still give that episode from time to time you might catch it one day). The names are as follows:

-Tomorrow
-Audio Science
-Banjo
-Pilot Inspektor
-Kid: not as crazy as the others I posted but still.
-Brooklyn
-Apple: everyone knows that one.
-Coco
-Moses
-Rebel, Rocket, Racer and Rogue: All four boys being brothers whose father happens to be Director Robert Rodriguez. So all their names have the initials R.R. crazy!
-Denim
-Dixie Tot
-Jermajesty
-Pirate
-Fifi Trixibell
-God'iss Love Stone
-Phinneus & Hazel: Julia Roberts kids. Hazel isn't that bad. It's said that she got the names from a favorite book of hers.
-Poppy Honey
-Puma: Didn't the parents realize they named their kid after a sneaker brand, sheesh!
-Reign Beau: I like the name Beau for a boy if we lived in the times of the movie, "Gone With The Wind" which is where I got the name from and I like it. But other then that naming your kid that in this day and age you're only looking for him to get kicked for such a "wussy" name.
-Saffron Sahara

When I told my mother of these names she was like, "What's wrong with these people?!! They try to be so original that they end up being stupid. They have to be on drugs."

I mean she's right! What other reason could these people have?!

Well take care, sorry this is extremely long I just wanted to share that with you.

"And, "Hooker?! Whoever suggested that name for their child or for that book is looking to get slapped!

Ray said...

P.S. Baba in Spanish means, "Saliva!" One that's a totally stupid name. Two people need to find out what certain names mean in different languages, because it may sound nice to you in your language obviously. BUT, with someone else it may mean something else & sound funny. And like this name, me knowing what it actually means in Spanish is just "a laugh!"

Kristin said...

You're not serious that this was an actual book. In a store. That you had to pay for. Well I guess it goes to show that Hollywood is infecting everything. Who names their kid Apple or Moses? I mean really.

Anonymous said...

I once saw a kid names Ocean Marina once. I wonder where she was conceived?

Hooker said...

You'd cringe if you heard all my friends addressing me by my last name.

Sarah said...

haha its a good thing you live in a small town. living in the city you come across parents who name their kids Tequila and Lingerie. Bacon and Hooker is NOTHING. :-P

julie said...

I remember at my cousin's baby shower we played a game in which we had to take letters from the mother's and father's first and middle names and make as many baby names as we could come up with.

Seeing as how I don't know either of your middle names, the best I could come up with for you and Jer is "Jelly" so maybe that's not a game you want to go with for naming your little one.

Jenny said...

Normalcy is boring. It's is BEYOND BORING. Take it from me, my name is Jenny and I was born in 1980.

You know how I ended up with a boring name like Jenny? My parents suggested some lovely, non-mainstream names to their friends over two decades ago and they got the same small-minded reactions of most of the people who have commented on this entry.

Not everyone wants a Emily, Matthew, Sarah, Michael and, of course, JENNY. Especially the Emilys, Matthews, Sarahs, Michaels and Jennys of the world. Ho-hum.

Just for another viewpoint on this whole baby naming thing, check out The Trixie Update. They named their child Beatrix (Trixie for short) and nearly everyone they told in person or the internet told them they were naming their child after a prostitute or a tranny. Thank GOD they did NOT listen to any of those fools.

http://www.trixieupdate.com/2004/05/19/well-then-how-about/

Tracibobaci said...

You're lucky you didn't get the Over 100,001 Baby Names book like we did. It had the same 1,000 half-way decent names plus 50,000+ more sucky names than yours. I wanted to do something kind of different, trying to stay away from the most popular list...didn't want my child to be one of ten kids with the same name in his class. But then I figured out that there's a reason why everyone uses the same 10-20 names over and over because those are the only good ones out there.

T. Hoot Plainsman said...

Both your post and the comments were a hoot to read! Hoot, now there's a good name - and old-time movie cowboy, Hoot Gibson!

Oh, forgot about the owl stuff for a second, especially if the young'un has to wear big round glasses... This namin' business gits a might komplicated. (Easy, Hoot!)

Even Kevin Bacon didn't name his kid "Bacon" Bacon. LOL

Good strong mono or two-syllable first names are best for life and business success, experts say, for boy or girl.

You can always name the baby Kelly or Jerry, but have them called by their middle name, but just use the first initial along with their middle name as their signature. (I do, its neat!)

(Computer programs are being redesigned right now to accept middle names to aid in prevention of identity theft! Yea!)

Hey, if its a boy, call him Jerry Kelly V. "JK" for short! Nah! You gonna listen to a guy named Hoot?

Rachel said...

Sometimes women give birth around here and seem to just string together letters and symbols to come up with crazy names. A baby born on Christmas was named Nowell. As in Noel. We are going with classics after relatives important to us. Classics are becoming popular again (my youngest niece is named Ella), so there's no way to be sure your child won't be one of five with the same name in a classroom.

And one of the previous comments said Moses was a strange name? Like, Moses from the Bible? I don't see anything wrong with that. Hooker is a little bit different...

Kay said...

I think I'm going to adopt two kids and name one Bacon and the other one Eggs just because it cracks me up so much.

Anonymous said...

Bryan is a nice name.

Abbie said...

I have a relative named Thor. As in the God of Thunder, I kid you not. His little sister is named Aprillya or something like that. Apparently it's a foreign motorcycle company? I give it until 8th grade before kids start making "riding her" jokes.