I know the trend in baby names is something completely unique and individual and different like "Jackhammer Concrete" for a boy or "Banana Tastycake" for a girl, but, um, well ... I think it's absolutely ridiculous. That's what pets are for. If you like the name "Grass" that much, go buy a dog.
In our absolute jubilation at me being pregnant again, Jerry and I spontaneously purchased a baby names book before we even started sharing the news. It's titled "50,000+ Best Baby Names."
On the drive home from the store, I pulled out the book and started reading aloud some of the suggestions for boys.
"Seriously? Hooker?" I asked. "As an actual name? For a boy?"
"I wonder if 'Prostitute' is in there for girls," Jerry said, laughing. "Or maybe just 'Street' as the first name and 'Walker' as the middle name."
"This book sucks," I said. "What happened to names like Mark or Jessica?"
"Apparently they died."
My frustration grew as I continued browsing.
"Johnny-Dodd" (Born with overalls and a toothpick in his mouth.)
"Kance" (Just like France, only with a K for fun!)
"Manley" (And what if he turns out anything but?)
Okay, maybe the girls names would be better.
"Baba" (As in, what's likely to be among their first words as they attempt to say "bottle.")
"Buzzie" (Why not name your kid after the sound that a bee makes?)
"Davisnell" (Because throwing random syllables together is FUN!)
"That book should be named '1,000 Actual Baby Names and 49,001+ Bullshit Words," Jerry said.
Then I saw it. The coup de grace.
"Oh my God," I said.
"That's it. This book is total garbage."
There, among the "B" names was the WORST NAME EVER for a child: Bacon.
"BACON? BACON? SERIOUSLY? YOU MIGHT AS WELL JUST NAME YOUR KID 'PIG FAT'!"
We didn't look at the book much after that. Anything that suggests something that cruel for the little being inside of me is not worth consulting.
We'll do just fine on our own.
And if our child grows up to hate our choice?
I'll just say, "Be thankful we didn't name you Hooker or Bacon."