Wednesday, May 30, 2007

May 30

I wasn't sure how I would handle May 30 when it rolled around. All month, I looked at the end of the calendar and felt a tiny pang of grief. Today would've been my due date.

It's strange, but I'm not even sure what there is to say about it.

Yes, I still mourn our child that would've been, but now that I have a little emotional distance from the situation, I really do know that something was wrong. All of the research I've done on my own, all of the explanations from our doctors about how something "just didn't click" makes sense to me now. It still hurts, but I've let go of the anger.

At the time, I had difficulty getting over how perfect a May baby would've been. Our child would've been sitting up and interacting by Christmas. We could've thrown annual birthday parties outside in our back yard. I wouldn't have been pregnant during the real heat of summer. My maternity leave would've been June, July and August. Besides having an entire summer off from work, it would've been easier to get back into shape with the weather being so accommodating for outdoor activities. There were so many pluses.

But now I see that there is no "perfect" day or week or month or year, just the joy of welcoming new life and reveling in all of the magic and wonder of discovery as they develop and learn and grow.

Now I can't wait to see how much joy a newborn will bring to our house at Christmas. And annual fall birthday parties. I'll have the entire holiday season of November, December and January off. Our baby will be sitting up and interacting in time to swim in the pool. Plus, I might be forced to join a gym -- a great motivation to get back into shape.

Sure, I will forever wonder what would've been. And I have a feeling May 30 will stick in my head much longer than I'd even like it to. Maybe until my last breath.

If it does, every year I'll send out a silent wish.

Happy birthday, baby.

11 comments:

Anonymous said...

Part of my family was Native American long ago, and they have a proverb I really like. Just like parents sometimes are not ready for children, sometimes the child is not yet ready to be born. A miscarriage means the child was not yet ready for life, and so when the child is conceived again it is considered to be much wiser at birth.

I'd say your baby is very wise - he wanted to be born at Christams! Presents, of course! Way to go wise child...

Jennifer said...

*hugs*

Erica said...

It's odd then... I read your blog every day, but I didn't know that today was supposed to be the due date. Ironically today is my 18th birthday.

But... It's good that you can stay optimistic with this baby. I know many mothers who have had several miscarriages. And although they have the pain of losing so many children, their youngest child Katy brings them so much joy that it is worth the pain for them. They treasure Katy that much more, especially since Katy was nearly a miscarriage herself (born in Feb. when her due date was in June.). I guess I'm trying to say that although this will probably always be painful, the joy of your new child will far surpass any lingering regrets.

And besides, being a spring baby makes me younger than all of my friends, which at this age means they get to get their liscence, turn 18, etc. much earlier than I can, which is slightly annoying ; )

Chelsea said...

Somethings were meant to be, and all though its brought so much heartbreak, you've learned so much and gained so much. Just now, you'll have a winter baby!

adifferentkindofbeautiful said...

Christmas babies are awesome. Practically the whole world is celebrating at the time- it makes it seem all the more special.

The Plainsman said...

May 30, the traditional date of Memorial Day. A bit different meaning for you and Jerry and a bittersweet marker at that. But it will make that new birth anniversary all the more signifigant and precious, as he or she would have never come into being at that moment if it were not for the one that was before.

So your silent birthday wish today is as valid and dear as can be.

Gisela said...

TEAR!

(and you know it's valid, coming from this bitch)

Anonymous said...

Having recently miscarried I know how hard it is. And I keep telling myself that it wasn't meant to be it but it still hurts.

I can only offer you my deepest condolences and know that they could not be more geniune. You never mean such a thing more than when you have dealt with a loss first hand.

Celcia said...

The dowm side to a May baby is the heat of summer. My son was born last May into one of the hottest summers on record for Southern California & of course we don't hav air conditioning. It was too hot to keep him swaddled and he was miserable most of June, July & August. Now if Pennsylvania summers are anything like Ohio summers - the heat and humidity would just have made your munchkin miserable.

Now from what I have read abour you & Jerry - a Christmas baby couldn't be born to two more awesome people. That baby is going to be spoiled rotten (in a good way!)

Ray said...

This post touched my heart. I admire the way you pick yourself up when you are down. And I like the way you turn things around and make things out to be positive, when in the beginning in your head it just turned out so wrong. With me being such a cynic I don't think I'd be able to see things your way.

Sometimes I think about the little brother that I would have had. We were told that my mother was pregnant on New Year's Eve. The New Year had finally started, it was years ago, 2004. Then soon after, only two months I believe she miscarried. In the beginning I wasn't so fond of my mother being pregnant again, I was selfish. But then it was gone in an instant and of course I felt bad.

I really didn't know the sex of the baby seeing as my mother was only two months. But to me it was a boy. And they say that most miscarriages are boys. I don't know how true that is, and how they can even figure that out...but that's what's said.

At times while in the car I think about if the baby had been born, me and my sister would have a car seat in between us. And as the summer approaches, I think about us celebrating his birthday. I wonder how he'd look like and yet I'll never know.

I wish he were here with us, but he's not. Maybe he'd have made my life worth living, and that is always a good thing.

At times I think that I'm the only one that thinks of him. But I know that's silly because my mother was the one who was pregnant so of course she must still grieve for the loss of a child, more than the sister would. And I know he is still remembered because on Monday my father mentioned the baby while at a restuarant. I can't remember what he said, and how he got around to saying it, I just remember is all. And that's all that really matters. That's he's remembered and that he's in our heart's forever.

But anyway:

"HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO YOUR BABY."

Being slighty religious (and I say slightly because I don't go to church so I don't want to sound like a hypocrite) I'd say: "Your baby's in heaven now with GOD."

Take care, Kelly. And I hope the burden on your shoulders every May 30th is easier to bear, with each year that passes.

larumae said...

That was a really touching post. The last part almost made me cry.