Friday, May 18, 2007

Yeah, well you're starting to look like you could stand to trim a few pounds yourself!

People with well-intended sentiments about my changing body need to think five more seconds before they open their mouths. Because it's getting harder and harder for me to respond with something polite instead of summoning my inner Jackie Chan and surprising them with a roundhouse kick to the back of the skull.

No matter how excited I am to see a bump emerging from my abdomen -- proof that the little life inside is growing -- hearing the words, "Wow! You're starting to look pregnant!" is still not an acceptable thing to say to a pregnant woman.

Because we hear this: "Woa! How do you even stand upright, YOU HUGE GIGANTIC ORCA WHALE?!"

As women, we have been conditioned our entire lives to be very conscious of our bodies, and regardless of having an actual need to put on weight, seeing that scale creep ever higher isn't an easy thing to adjust to. And the bottom line is, we're animals. So just like birds and bees and orca whales, our pregnant bodies are sent signals to store up fat for breast feeding. Fat that comes in undesirable places. Fat that makes us want to kill you when you say things like, "Wow! You're starting to look pregnant!"

Then there are the not so well-intended sentiments. Like when you're a bridesmaid in a friend's wedding and the size 10 dress she ordered for you now won't even zip up more than an inch around your bloated midsection. Then you try desperately not to burst into tears when you remember that you wore a size 4 dress at your own wedding two years ago.

Then, when you call the bridal shop to exchange the dress with exactly four weeks to go until the wedding, you silently pray that they agree and advise you to go up one measly size to a 12.

Instead, when you get there, the very kind woman who had helped you on the phone takes one look at your orca whale body and asks, "What size dress do you have now?" When you respond and her eyes bulge out of her head, followed by a snort of disgust and a, "Yeah, that DEFINITELY won't fit YOU," somehow a kick to the back of the skull wouldn't be gratifying enough.

When she pulls a size 16 and 18 for you to try on, you want to take both dresses and forcibly shove them, one square-inch of satiny fabric at a time, down her smug little throat.

Then you become a broken and defeated shell of your former self in the dressing room when you realize you have to order the 18 to make room for more belly. The rest of the potato sack can be altered to fit. Or maybe, by then, it won't have to be.

So after you regain a little composure, you silently vow to come back to the store with your adorable baby in a few months and shove it in that skinny bitch's face and say, "See? SEE?! IT WAS WORTH IT!"


Either way, let this be a lesson to all of you: Never, never, NEVER tell a pregnant woman that she looks like it -- even if the baby is ready to burst out of her. Instead, if you must utter something, try, "Wow! You look amazing, mommy!" Trust me when I say that will go over much better.


julie said...

I tried so hard not to laugh (with you, not at you) during that whole post, but ended up doing a choked little snort laugh when you got to the part about shoving satin down her "smug little throat."

Lioncloud said...

Have you bought a maternity bathing suit yet? That is the most humbling thing in the universe.


sweetheartmj97 said...

I wanted to let you know that I feel your pain. 2 months ago, I had to stop wearing my cute jeans, because even looping a hairtie around the button was uncomfortable. Also, last weekend I tried on my maternity swimming suit. I agree, it is quite humbling. Ok, it was HORRIFIC! I only have about 14 weeks to go, and I know I am just going to get bigger.
I like reading your blog, it's nice to have someone who gets it.

leslo said...

It took me two days, but I did it. I have been so busy that I have not been able to read your entries, and I have missed a lot! I'm so happy that you're pregnancy is going great! Personally, I think pregnant women are so cute. Well, I'll make sure to keep up with your entries because I can't wait until you introduce your baby. =)

Tracibobaci said...

I'm past the "you're starting to look pregnant" phase and have moved into the "Wow. When's your due date?" phase. It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't have 4 more months and numerous pounds to go!

There is this cute little girl at our church who has figured out a way to put it so well. She'll come up to me, pat my belly and say sweetly, "I see the baby's growing." Yes. Yes, it is. = )

Jennifer said...

I hate to tell you this... *deep breath*... but it only gets worse. The further along you go the more insulting the comments seem to get too. I had people I work with actual utter these phrases:

OMG you are getting HUUUGE! Are you sure you're not having twins?

Look how BIG you are getting!

My God you really popped out there haven't you??

You are definitly having twins! (I informed this person I already had 2 sonograms and was 99% sure there were NOT twins in there) The person kept INSISTING there was anyway!

Aw your waddle is so darn cute!

And at the end you'll constantly hear:
"Haven't you had that baby yet??"

Along with some stupid remark about how big you are.

I wish there were some sort of legal clause that allowed pregnant women to haul off an assult anyone uttering such phrases.

Hey, and a piece of advice... If any stranger tries to touch your belly, return the favor and rub their non-pregnant belly right back. They will feel just as ackward as they made you feel.

Leslie said...

I think you are gorgeous and probably absolutely glowing as well. I can't wait to see your beautiful baby once he or she comes. said...

Tell ya what... give me free room and board (i'm quiet and polite company) and I'll follow you everywhere you go with my gut hanging out and over my extremely tight pants.

By comparison, you'll be Kate Moss. ;)

And if someone says something insensitive, just give me the signal and i'll pop 'em in the mouth, and follow it up with a "Yeah well, i'm 1 month over due and I don't appreciate the lack of interest!"

Tiger Babble said...

ROFL I couldn't agree with you more!!!

I almost killed my mother in law when she said to me "You look much better now that you have put on some weight." I was only 3 months pregnant at the time....

True story.

aahcoffee said...

My mom, the woman who birthed me and my three siblings, the woman who totally should have known better, she who loves me more than her own life, said to me at my baby shower when I was 8 months along, "You don't really look pregnant, you just look fat."

And my husband, who was responsible for the condition I was in, picked up my underwear that I was wearing at the end of the pregnancy and said, "Did we get new pillowcases?" Seriously. If I could have caught him, my baby would be growing up with a single mom.

LOL. You just have to laugh.

Marina said...

You're not fat. You're pregnant. I'm pretty sure everyone understands that.

Chelsea said...

I'd say "Uhm sorry for housing another HUMAN BEING in my body!" I'm sure you look great though!

Meghan said...

definitely a kick to the head, especially directed towards vapid bridal shop girl.

Ray said...

Hahaha, I love this post it's full of passion and fierceness! One I haven't seen from you before either. I was surprised that you even wrote the word, "Bitch" seeing as though you seem like a conservative woman, one with a good sense of humor though. But I guess in this case it justify's the reason why you said it. I'm telling you people have no nerve what so ever! And it's not just with pregnant woman I've been there before. I'm not a small girl and I won't deny it, but still people do need to think about what they say before they say it.

One time I was in the car with some family, my cousin was waiting for his father to come down the stairs to see his grandson, from the car since we just dropped by for a couple of minutes. And I haven't seen his father in a long time. In like forever I mean (my cousin's parents are not together so that's why I no longer see the man). Anyway's he comes up to me and says how I'm doing. And from the way he's looking at me, I just know----I JUST KNOW he's going to say something about my weight. And he opens his mouth and says, "It looks like you've put on a lot of weight, what have you been doing, eating a lot of food?" And I don't even remember what I said, but seeing as I'm shy & I respect my elders I just agreed with him and told him yes I needed to lose some weight blah, blah, blah. He knew that I wanted to go into Criminal Justice, and become a detective and he was telling me of his stories and how you need to be in shape for it. Then he said look at me and pointed to his body, "I stay in shape all the time." And I was upset! Number one: you don't compare a man's body to a woman's body that's just wrong and stupid. Also men lose weight at a faster rate than women so that was stupid of him to say (not that I was dieting or trying to get in shape but still). And two: you never talk to a woman about weight as you've said above because we're very self conscious about it.

But anyway's I was just shocked that he dare have the audacity to say such a thing to you. We don't know each other like that, and what the hell is he doing looking at me that way anyway's ya know? I was pissed and very hurt, but I tried not to show it. I may never be skinny in my entire lifetime but for the most part I'm okay with my weight and for some man to go and try to belittle me for it, is just wrong! I wanted to tell him off but I didn't. Next time I see him, which I don't plan to, if he says anything about my weight you bet any amount of money I'm going to set him straight. Elder or no elder. Even my cousin's wife who was sitting in the back seat when it happened said that her jaw dropped when he said that to me. She also said that he didn't even know me like that to say such a thing. Which she's totally right about.

He then proceeded to tell me that his niece was kind of big as well and that he always bothered her about her weight and she hated him for it. And then it's funny because his daughter's skinny so it's kind of ironic I guess. I mean she doesn't look like the type of girl to gain much weight, I don't know her but looking at her body type I can just tell. If he had a "big" daughter I don't know what the hell he'd do.

Then there's certain moments where I see people on the street that my mom knows who we haven't seen in a while and they'll say to me, "You're so big." And I know they're talking about my weight. Then my mother would go and defend me saying that it's my Asthma and the steroids I had to take from it a long time ago. I hate when she says that because I'm not in denial. I know I'm not skinny, I haven't had Asthma in ages, so it's not that. And I know that the affect of the steroids back then couldn't have had that great of affect on me. But she says it because she cares I suppose.

I'm just writing this to you so you won't feel alone, and I know you aren't. Don't let anyone bring you down. You were beautiful without the baby bump, and you're even more beautiful now with the baby bump. And if people can't see that then, "Screw em!"

Take care, Kelly. (Sorry this is so long!)

Chriss said...

Pardon me for pointing this out, Kelly, but birds and bees don't breastfeed.
I'm one who agrees that pregnant women are gorgeous. Try to enjoy the body changes, you're not fat, you're preggers!

Anonymous said...

You're inspirational and a role model...until it comes to the body stuff. I always end up sad that these issues don't ever go away, not when one gets married, and not when one is you, who had a size 4 wedding dress. I'm not saying people aren't stupid and that they don't say stupid things, because they are and they do, but you're pregnant and beautiful; your belly grows. And telling you you're huge in pregnant language is a good thing (if you're able to hear what people are saying and not what you think they are). Maybe when someone tells you you're huge when you're NOT pregnant, I'll understand. Until then, I just don't get it. Well, I do, but it makes me sad.

Kristin said...

Mkay, so I just wanted to let you know that I just went back and read all of the blogs that I've missed since I last came on here, and it took me like, 3 hours. That's how much I love reading your blogs. There's no way I'd ever go back and read 3 hours worth of blogs for anyone else, lol. And I'll remember to take your advice about what to say to pregnant people =]

By the way, I'm gonna start leaving you my myspace link from now on instead of my xanga because I never go on xanga anymore. If you ever randomly decided to reply to something I said to on here like you sometimes do, just message me on my myspace.

It's nice commenting your blogs again after 3 months :P


Gisela said...

Okay love I am a little annoyed by this post because it seems that last week I was one of those douchebags that kept telling you how great you looked because you were showing. Well PARDON ME.

I also, despite my very heteroness, could not stop staring at your boobs because they're perfect now.
Won't mention THAT again EITHER.

And I guess I don't know how it feels because I've never been pregnant, but this post is a little ... ugh. It's like that recent article with Jessica Alba where she says she's annoyed when people point out she's drop-dead gorgeous. I mean God, how annoying is that? I hate myself because I'm so beautiful and perfect and i don't even work out, pukey puke puke.

Look, at least you won't hear it forever. I'm 6'1 and I will always hear this: "Oh you're TALL. Do you play volleyball? Basketball? No? Oh. Well, you SHOULD! It must be so hard to find men that want you because you're a freak. Do you have a boyfriend?" Etc. etc.............


the plainsman said...

At first I was a little confused by this post, as we all had just seen photos of you last week at your friend's bridal shower.

I thought that maybe this is one of those "Where's Waldo?" games. Just to be sure, I checked again and still could not find an orca in the photos anywhere.

With all the PC and sensitivity training people are supposed to have now, they freely demonstrate how shallow they are.

Yes Kelly, you do look amazing! WOW! YOU DO LOOK AMAZING! You are a mommy-to-be and at one of the most beautiful stages of your life.

Sure it is different than before, but this brief time in your life is so precious that anyone who can not immediately see an entirely normal, healthy physical change and celebrate it, is well, just plain ignorant. And I'm not speaking of education here either.

Let's have Congress enact a meaningfull law for a change. A "once a pregnancy" amnesty for for that well deserved roundhouse kick you speak of. Not knowing if a pregnant woman has already used her quota might change a few attitudes!

Erin said...

I love it when Gisela gets all self-righteous. Tee hee.

Perhaps if people could come up with substitute phrases that don't mention the growing belly. My suggestions: You are positively glowing! You look so healthy! and Have you lost weight?