Tuesday, June 12, 2007

A three-hour (bathroom) tour

As my Aunt Glrr puts it, "my carefree days of being able to sail by bathrooms without a care are over."

Never have words rung so true.

Yesterday I had a slew of errands to run that kept me on the go from 9 a.m. to 2 a.m., culminating with one very exhausted pregnant lady who would've been perfectly content falling asleep on her desk with a keyboard embedded into her cheeks and forehead.

It started off relatively simple with small necessary tasks like running to the bank and post office, but my bladder won't hold more than a teaspoon these days without crying out to be emptied. As I walked around downtown, I knew from experience that I didn't want to test it, so I started scanning the storefronts for potential bathroom suitors. Little did I know it was the beginning of what I assume is going to become a regular habit.

Then I spotted a cute little bakery and coffee shop I'd been in once before. The owner was more than accommodating when I asked to use the ladies' room. It was, by far, the nicest bathroom I would see all day with a scented air freshener, real hand towels and country-kitsch wall hangings with sayings like "Home Is Where The Heart Is." Granted, I'd gag if that was my own bathroom, but for a facility away from home, my heart (and ass cheeks) was all about it.

I made it almost an hour after that. The next bathroom stop was at the dress shop where I had my alteration appointment for the wedding I'm in this weekend. As the seamstress handed me my dress with instructions to try it on, I realized the only way my pants were coming down was if a toilet was directly behind me. I politely asked if there was a restroom I could use and she showed me the way. This one was much more industrial with one of those toilets without lids, a hand blow dryer and a fan that turned on automatically when you flipped the light switch.

After that, I returned the hideous monstrosity that Boscov's calls a maternity bathing suit. I couldn't help but peruse the nearby baby section for awhile, looking at all of the awesome miniature versions of everything. Shortly after, my bladder called again and I was starting to get pissed off (pun intended). I mean, what the hell? I hadn't even ingested any liquid in HOURS. And yet, there I was, needing to pee. AGAIN. The store clerk directed me to the upstairs facilities -- a large room with stalls, numerous sinks and paper towel dispensers.

At this point, I was starving. The baby was kicking furiously, which I translated to mean, "I'M HUNGRY, WOMAN!" So I stopped at Panera Bread for one of those amazing grilled portabello mushroom paninis. When the cashier asked if I wanted anything to drink with that, I seriously considered punching her in the face. Yes, yes of course I want something to drink. But no, no I do not want anything that will result in any more damn trips to the bathroom. It's a vicious cycle I would prefer not to take any part in, but alas, Panera has awesome lemonade. Damn.

I managed to make it through a few more stores without a problem, then I had to get to work and found relief in my regular stall. Second from the left. A reliable 20 or so paces from my desk. It's a very one-sided relationship, but these days I'm more than grateful for it.

Later, I took a dinner break to run to the other side of town to pick up a few items at Target. As I started to walk to the door, my bladder made me hesitate. I actually stopped like an idiot mid-pace, turned around, considered walking back to the bathroom, mulled whether I could make it to the Target bathroom and decided I could. Never again. I almost risked getting a ticket for parking in a handicapped spot, just so I'd be a few spaces closer to their toilets. But I sucked it up, parked in the back of the lot and speed-walked as fast as my legs would allow. There I found another large room with multiple stalls in various stages of disarray. It was, by far, the least pleasant of all of my public bathroom jaunts for the day. Dearest Target, I just found your one and only flaw. But I love you and, thus, I will overlook it.

So, in all, I spent a good portion of my day frantically searching for toilets.

If it gets any worse, I swear I'm going to invest in some Depends.

15 comments:

Erinn said...

I am not even pregnant and I am constantly looking for a bathroom. It is called big girl syndrome. My mom has it also. Don't worry Kelly, we are all right there with you.

Marina said...

Haha. I guess that baby is squeezing your bladder into strange positions. Maxi pads??

aahcoffee said...

You'll miss all the bathrooms you've formed relationships with after the baby is born. :)

Suzy said...

I'm a "first stall" behind the door work bathroom girl. I know what this relationship is you speak of. :)

lovechild420 said...

I honestly thing pregnany women SHOULD be given temporary handicap tags. Not only for dilemmas like that one you faced LoL but, once you get huge you'll understand. You're feet are swollen, your stomach is huge, your exhausted, etc etc. But, it's just a thought..

Melinda hale said...

I agree - definitely handicap tags for pregnant women. Because how many times do you see more than one handicap spot full, anyway? All those wasted spaces...

jennifer said...

I have to tell you it can get worse. The bigger the baby gets the more chance it has to manipulate your internal organs. I remember one time, while pregnant with my first, I had to go pee. I was on my way to the toliet when *WHAM* the baby kicked (punched?) me directly in the bladder causing me to pee all over myself.

Chelsea said...

I have to agree about Target, Their bathrooms are horrible. I hope your baby never needs to be changed there, cause those tables don't took so good!

leogirl827 said...

Yeah, I agree...Target has the worst restrooms for being so good at everything else.

My friend is not even pregnant but she also has to constantly pee, so I know what you are talking about.

Randall said...

Ooooo... I love Panera. Sorry about you bathroom issues. I have to agree with previous suggestions of a maxi pad. You gotta do what you gotta do!

Janice said...

Target has one other flaw I think... their always having something on sale that you don't need and nothing on sale that you do need.

Ray said...

Interesting post, I love these pregnancy posts, especially since I'm not pregnant. It's interesting to read life from another person's point of view. Especially a pregnant woman.

I didn't know that your bladder was that MUCH of a pain in the ass when pregnant! My bladder is a pain in the butt as of now, I can't imagine it getting any worse while pregnant. I don't know how you did that. I probably would have panicked and had an accident, causing me to probably stay home for the rest of my pregnancy, lol.

But anyway, funny that you talk about that bathroom that has a sign that says, "Home is where the heart is" because I remember you writing about that in Xanga. It was an entry you wrote where: you talked about you and Jerry driving somewhere, and passing someone getting married in a church, kids eating ice-cream, etc, etc. It was a really nice entry to. I think it was a tribute you did to America. Who knows....

But it's just so crazy how time flys by. AND, it JUST so happens that the second time you go to the same bathroom it's because you're pregnant this time and your bladder won't quit, hehe! ;o)

OKAY, sorry for this annoyingly long comment of mines. I just got so into it.

Take care, Kelly. I hope your bladder has mercy on you!

Ray said...

P.S. You were actually able to return a bathing suit?! That's ODD, because practically nowhere you go allows you to return bathings suits & undergarments obviously. I guess seeing that you were pregnant they didn't want to MESS with you! Hehe. ;o)

Kriston said...

Are you going to be able to stand up through the whole wedding ceremony? I wouldn't have been able to. It got so bad that when I visited other people's houses I brought my own pack of toilet paper so I wouldn't use all of their's up!

Mr. Hygiene said...

:( and here I thought target was flawless too.