Thursday, July 12, 2007

I am woman, watch me morph

The human body really is an amazing thing. Well, I guess I should specify that the female human body is an amazing thing. I'm sure men's bodies are amazing, too. But blah, blah, blah, theirs don't do half the crap ours does. Like bleed for a week at a time throughout our entire adult lives and not die.

Frankly, I'd like to see Houdini attempt that. Sure, disappear again. Whatever. Pass me a tampon before you go.

Then there's the whole "fostering the creation of new life" thing. The changes my body has undergone in the last few weeks alone are nothing short of mind blowing.

Did you know that my uterus is now a few inches ABOVE my bellybutton? What male organ stretches to 10 or 15 times its original size? (And men, don't flatter yourself. Even the porn stars among you can't claim that.) I mean, it's crazy to think that in a few short months, something that was, for the most part, undetectable inside my body has grown and stretched and can now be felt throughout my entire midsection.

Where did the other organs go that used to take up that space? I know they're in there because I still process food and liquids. But the fact that they just sort of shove to the side when required, but still manage to function properly is downright commendable. Even the biggest and most successful companies throughout the world struggle with that kind of teamwork. Take note of my stomach Microsoft! It's HUMBLE.

Because of those changes, the consistency of my stomach area is now hard yet pliable. It really does feel like there's something firm in there, like the ubiquitous basketball. But it still has some give to it if I decide to push on it a little. You know, just for fun.

I've been poking around more because the baby is finally big enough to poke back. I'm not sure if she's doing it intentionally or if it's just sort of a reflex response, but it's amazing to interact somewhat with this thing inside me. I now feel her movement all the way from my pelvic bone up to my ribcage. And my belly officially shakes visibly when she stirs. And, men, don't say you understand. It's nothing like gas. Even the really bad bouts after making the regrettable decision of downing an entire baker's dozen of chicken chalupas from that 2 a.m. run to Taco Bell after the bars closed last night.

And my boobs? Completely picking up on what's going on below them. Again Microsoft, take note of my boobs. They're not even in on the conversation and yet, fully aware of the details without even so much as a briefing by their department head. Now THAT'S communication. Take your overpriced iPhone and shove it. I have amazing boobs. Call them iBoobs, if you must.

Not only have they nearly doubled in size, but even my nipples have changed. Drastically. They're bigger and darker and, well, more alert than usual. I'm pretty sure they sense things. Like a storm coming.

It's like hitting puberty all over again. I'm completely enamored with what my body is going through. And, like a teenager who just filled out her first training bra, I'm obsessed with checking out the progress. So obsessed that while inspecting my areolas sometime last week, a little clear fluid came out.

I wish I could tell you that I handled that discovery with grace and poise. But I didn't. Not even close. The rest of my body spasmed in shock and nearly fell over backwards screaming at the absurdity of it all. Liquid. Coming out of my nipples. LIQUID!

Then I did what any woman would do in that situation. I ran to the computer and Googled "nipple clear discharge." Apparently it's called colostrum. It's a form of milk produced by the mammary glands late in pregnancy. And it's high in carbohydrates, protein and antibodies and low in fat. I was going to give Microsoft the point on that one for helping me determine what the hell it was, but, um, I'm squeezing antibodies out of my boobs. And if I packaged it in a container, I could stick one of those giant LOW FAT claims on the front. Yeah, I still win.

So, unexpected nipple liquid aside, the female body is nothing short of an amazing network of team players and expert communicators.

Disagree? I'll shoot colostrum in your eyes.

21 comments:

Kristin said...

I was laughing out loud at this post. I can't believe all of the things they never tell you about pregnancy.

I bet those iBOOBS of yours won't have the battery life problem the iPhone is having either :)

Jennifer said...

iBoobs, how friggen funny!!

We as women are so blessed (and yes sometimes cursed) to have such amazing bodies. Creating life inside of us, as cheesy as it sounds, really is a type of miracle.

sarah in geneva said...

yup, God definitely thought of everything when He created us.

aahcoffee said...

You can see some really cool pictures of what the internal body of a female looks like before pregnancy, halfway through, and right at the end...it's on my site from way back when I was almost done with my last pregnancy.


http://www.xanga.com/aahcoffee/513285626/item.html

Katie said...

Hahahaha.

julie said...

You are so fricken awesome. I can't even tell you how much I look forward to reading you everyday. And through your words, how much I look forward to pregnancy.

lovechild420 said...

HA! I love this post LoL I remember it well. And when I first noticed my colostrum, (I knew what it was b/c I consulted a book prior to every change and had it memorized) ran to the bedroom and just squirted it my husband with no warning. Only a quick 'WEIRD! Look at this!' LoL

Rachel said...

I have another weird thing to add about the woman's body. I haven't experienced this myself, but last night my boyfirends sister who just had a baby in May told me that your stomach muscles will seperate during the pregnancy to give your belly room to expand. Well now that she is trying to get in shape she had done some sit-ups and noticed something extrememly weird... there is this big "mushy" area in the middle of her stomach, she is almost able to push her whole finger down through this area, all because her stomach muscles have not grown back together yet. She said she didn't remember this with her first child, but with this one she does, so who knows. It is kinda weird, yet a little cool. You will have to keep that in mind after the baby, if you try to suck in your stomach and the middle is still just there, it is likely that the muscles have not grown back together yet. Here, check out this website: http://site.clevertraining.com/postpartum-exercise.html

Marina said...

Wow. I'm really lookin' forward to reading about you giving birth. You don't skimp on the details. :D I love it.
Also, Microsoft wasn't responsble for the iPhone, silly. I don't think. O_o

Sarah said...

You always make me laugh hysterically. I don't know how I could start my day without you! You always make me smile!

iBoobs... now that is awesome.

I have to admit the colostrum thing was an occasion to freak out for me as well. Just when you think that it can't get any weirder, it does.

I'm quite convinced that I have an alien with 8 legs living inside of me right now. I'm also convinced that it doesn't FIT anymore!

"No don't move!" I yell at her. "There's no more room! Just hold still or COME OUT!"

gorakagaz said...

wow...that really is cool.

plainsman the baker said...

Imagine clicking over to novelle360.com and being able to learn what a "Bumbo" was. Not to mention learning a bit more and laughing at the same time.

I bet telling someone I know here that I like her "iBoobs" is not going to get me a great reaction, though, so will skip it.

Uh, I can bake a blueberry pie...

Genevieve said...

The changes the female human body is capable of acomodating is quite awesome. What's even better is that whilst all the hormones that make all these changes occur, the same hormones also make the pregnant woman more cheerful and happier, as estrogen has been shown to be a mood-elevating hormone. Congrats to the hormones!

grace said...

LOL u brought up such a great point! where do the organs go when your uterus expands??? do they get pushed to the back, wow i took bio for four years and never came across that, u have me thinking now..

Janice said...

I laughed through this entire post. Major e-props for saying iBoobs

Anonymous said...

Kelly - I just wanted to say thank you to you. After a miscarriage VERY early on I wasn't sure I would ever want to try for another baby but reading this has helped with the healing process. So much more than I could ever tell you.
So thank you. Thank you for sharing and being graphic and not trying to make everything sound pretty because I know it's not. But it is amazing, as are you.

K

mercurial scribe said...

LOL. I once heard a comedian say "I don't trust anything that bleeds for a week and DOESN'T die - especially repeatedly."

I believe you are now experiencing the other pole of the Feminine Mystique... the first pole being how you got Jer's attention. ;-)

Emilee said...

Hahaha oh Kelly, I can't stop laughing. Your writing skils are truly amazing. "Again Microsoft, take note of my boobs." Hahaha.

Ray said...

You make pregnancy and the woman's body sound so delightful. And I <3 you for that! I love the creative way you wrote this out, it rocks.

Also, it's funny that you asked where do your other organs go while you're carrying this baby, because I asked my mother the same thing like two days ago! It's incomprehensible to me. Just mind-boggling. It can't be explained and yet, it's amazing what a woman's body can do. That's why they call it a miracle of life. A miracle that only GOD could come up with, in my opinion.

Take care, Kelly.

Candi said...

LOL, when I first expressed colostrum at 4.5 months along, I was standing upstairs in our townhouse. My husband heard me gasp from downstairs. I wouldn't tell him what the deal was so he came up there and insisted that I tell him. All I could say is, "They work!"

Nutkin said...

This article had me cracking up!!