Wednesday, August 1, 2007

Battle of the bulge

My belly has officially taken on a life of its own. It's almost as if it has become a separate entity, functioning on its own accord, but allowing the rest of me to stick around like an unfortunate kid sister after mom and dad said, "She goes to the movie too, or you don't."

According to my cell membranes, my own head and limbs are now less important than The Belly. Sometimes it sends a little messenger to one of my ears to relay messages: "That spear of broccoli you just ate? And the milk? You can have the leftover nutrients. The Belly will be taking its cut first. And don't expect much. The Belly is a crude business-savvy type. If it offers you a 90/10 split ... TAKE IT."

Not only is The Belly moving on its own these days, but it has its own feelings, too. When I go about my day-to-day routine, I sometimes notice these weird sensations that are completely foreign to me after almost three decades of existence. Strange pulling sensations. I have no idea what it is, but I'm pretty sure The Belly is like a Spanish conquistador trying to conquer more skin territory and force it under its reign. When the skin doesn't submit willingly, it gets taken by force.

Then there is my outward appearance. I am no longer Kelly. I'm pregnant. The Belly precedes me. Strangers no longer see a tall female twentysomething with brown hair, they see a pregnant woman. A big lumbering pregnant woman with a wide girth.

What scares me is that my third trimester hasn't even started. I'm days away from the last leg of the race, but The Belly has already won. How much more does it want? My ribcage? To spread around my sides and start bulging out of my back, too? Maybe by November I'll just be an indiscernible mound of flesh. A circle. A ball. With a bloated head on top and tiny flailing hands and feet. Kind of like Violet in "Charlie and the Chocolate Factory" after she ate a piece of the turkey dinner-flavored gum.

Only I don't have any oompa loompas to roll me around.

So it could get ugly.

Kind of like my bellybutton. I think The Belly has hired experts to see if they can coerce it to start communicating with the outside world. Any day now I fully expect that little indent in my midsection to develop linguistic skills and shout a command like, "ICE CREAM, WOMAN! THE BELLY WANTS SOME ICE CREAM!"

And if I don't oblige and instead decide to muffle the screaming hole with a thick sweatshirt? I'm pretty sure it would chew right through layers and layers of fabric to continue dispensing orders until I dutifully horked down a bowl of Tin Roof Sundae just to shut it up.

I'm still fighting the good fight. I'm trying to hold onto the part of me that was there before The Belly. The part that remembers what zippers are and how they function.

But it's getting really hard.


sweetheartmj97 said...

I do feel your pain. I have 24 days left until my due date, and my belly has taken over the world. I find myself eating things I would have looked at in disgust months before, plus the quanties I've been consuming. It's horrific. You're lucky you get a 90/10 split on nutrients, I've lost close to 20 lbs already, it's obvious my belly doesn't like to share. Plus, zippers are so far in my past, I don't think I could work one if I tried. I love reading your blogs, it's nice to have someone who really gets it.

aahcoffee said...

LOL. It has only just begun. Because next is no longer is all about baby. You will no longer be Kelly, 20something year old, you will become MOM. Oh yes, it has only just begun. Hee hee.

Jennifer said...

The belly does become such a pain in the butt and it really does take over so many of the things you used to take for granted. 2 of the big things for me was sex was SO much harder and so was cuddling. It seemed to be determined to push my husband as far away as possible and require a lot of unique positions in order to even get close enough to do anything sexual. On that same token, the other thing was the way I love to fall asleep with my head on my husbands chest, arm flopped over him, leg crossed over his. I remember the day after I came home from the hospital, we laid down to go to sleep and I got into my snuggly chest sleeping positon and for the first time in months, the rest of my body could hug up next to his. It was the BEST feeling in the world to have that back.

And a funny thing about lack of zippers, for the first couple weeks after the baby when i started wearing pants with zippers again I was ALWAYS leaving them down after going pee! You get so used to not having them around LOL!

The belly is a love hate relationship for sure. My daughter is now 8 months old and I already hear my belly calling me back to the days of pregnancy. But now I just plug my ears and sing "la-la-la" for at least the next 2 years. ;-)

Anonymous said...

I just found out that I was pregnant (first time--5 weeks) so your blog has become a sort of "what to expect" guide for me.

...expect belly to eventually rule the world. Dually noted. :)

Emilee said...

"ICE CREAM, WOMAN! THE BELLY WANTS ICE CREAM!" Hahaha oh my gosh Kelly, you always crack me up.

Kristin said...

Haha, nice.
I kind of wish I was pregnant right now so that I could feel that wierd pulling sensation that you described. It sounds funky :P


Chelsea said...

Just remember whats swimming around in The Belly!

My friends and I sometimes talk about pregnancy and my friends were all excited to gain their own Belly, saying that "I can eat whatever I want and my husband will still love me because a baby is in me! FOOOD!" And thats from the mouth of a high school girl!

kristin said...

That is the funniest thing I have ever ready about a pregnant belly!

Janice said...

Oh my goodness!!!!

Anonymous said...

it makes me nervous to read comments from teenage high schoolers saying they wish for what you have. to these girls i say, kelly also went to college, found a career and MARRIED before any of this happened. please PLEASE remember the chain of events that led to her current position...dont go for the finish line before running the race...

Anonymous said...

WELL PUT Anonymous!!!!