Monday, September 17, 2007

Inspiring the inner comedians of morons everywhere

Attention social idiots of the world: Pregnancy does not suddenly make fat jokes acceptable.

Yes, I get it, my belly is huge. And it is so hilariously funny when you compare the place that is sustaining the life of a real human being to a gigantic globule of lard.

I have an idea, why don't you call me "Slim" again. Yeah, I haven't heard that one in at least three minutes. Or maybe you want to compare my maternity shirt to a camping tent. Or maybe, when I place a can of soup and some crackers in my desk, you can say, "THAT oughtta last you, what, like five minutes?" louder so don't have the luxury of pretending that I didn't hear you.

Then there's the good ol' tried-and-true, "OH MY GOD! YOU'RE HUUUUGE! YOU'RE GOING TO POP ANY DAY NOW!"

First of all, what is this "popping" that everyone refers to? I guess I am so big people fear that my midsection is going to explode open without warning and cover them with a smattering of fat deposits and half-digested cheese fries -- much like the sticky neon green goo that oozes down the Ghostbusters after they laser the slimy ghosts into oblivion.

If that happens, I'll be sure to try and aim the carnage in your general direction.

Because if you think you are the only one coming up with these priceless gems, think again. I've heard them all at least, oh, 3,215,601 times. From my neighbor, the teller at the bank, the cashier at the grocery store, the part-time help at work, the stranger I pass on the street ... yes, believe it or not, they're all just as clever and cunning as you are -- you delightful comedic genius you.

But, hey, here's an idea. Instead of laughing along like I'm forced to do at least five or six times every single day, maybe for a change of pace, I'll just tell you what's really on my mind. Because, after all, I'm pregnant and hormonal and people like you think that I'm not able to control myself or my emotions anyway, right?

Maybe I'll just say something like, "Yeah, carrying around a 4 pound fetus in my abdomen is EXACTLY the same as sitting on my ass for nine months and getting fat off gargantuan fast food burgers and economy-sized bags of Cheetos."

Or how about, "Yeah, you're looking really toned yourself, Slim. Is that a new self-made notch on your belt I see?"

Or maybe, "Hey, since I have the camping tent already, maybe we could use YOUR shirt as a comforter. It'll be great."

And if none of that works? Maybe I'll just make like Adam Sandler and scream, "HA! HA! HA! HA! ... YOU'RE SOOOO FUNNY!"

17 comments:

Erin from Scranton said...

Awww.... Kelly. You're not "huge" nor are you "ready to pop." People are idiots. You are, however, absolutely gorgeous and the very picture of a healthy, pregnant woman. We should all be so lucky. Hang in there. And pat the bump for me.....

(Whooo hoooo! First post

julie said...

I would pay good money to be witness to you saying any one of those lines to those jerks. And when I'm 7 months pregnant, you can bet your ass I'm coming back here to borrow them when some dumbass says that to me.

And I agree with Erin. You are gorgeous!!

aahcoffee said...

You need to go back through my posts and find the one where my husband confuses my preggo underwear with new pillowcases. Really. And he is still alive.

kristin said...

Oh my Lord. I had no idea people were so rude. I can't believe they actually think they are being funny. My favorite comeback is the self made notch in the belt :)Definitely use that one.

Ray said...

People are idiots. And I think it's rude when people say things like "You're about to pop" to pregnant woman. That's like trying to say that what you're going through isn't a big deal.

I've also heard rappers sing in their songs this term: "Drop my baby girl." Like it's easy. Like what a woman goes through isn't a great deal of work. Like they're trying to take away the miracle essence to it. Like, "Yeah it's that easy the baby's just going to drop and no pain will be involved." Sure anybody can do it! NOT!

And please give these people a piece of your mind, the next time they try to outlash their so-not witty comments to you. Then write their reactions down on here, so we can LAUGH!

Take, care.

P.S. Like everyone else said you're not about to pop!

its_just_ang from Xanga said...

Funny stuff. That reminded me of one of those "Real Men of Genius" radio commercials. I even said before that you will probably weigh less nine months pregnant than I do right now. Don't worry about it!

Jennifer said...

I think the only thing worse, is when you are in your last month, everyone and their brother feels the need to ask "You haven't had that baby yet???"

No you moron I have, but I asked it to crawl back into my uterus so i could carry it around easier. WTF!

Its so annoying! BTW, I think you look fabulous!

the plainsman said...

Unfortunately, the true morons won't ever "get it" either. I like the belt notch response best, though. And although one might themselves have a bit of fun over their very pregnant status, it is far better to laugh along with, than to laugh at.

Years ago, I was in a parking lot where both drivers on either side had parked so close to a pregnant woman's car that although she could open the doors, she could not squeeze in, with packages, no less.

I was parked head in towards her car and as I was walking up, she noticed me watching her trying some additional entry manuvers and was ready to cry. Ignoring the obvious, I remarked that if she was going to steal a car, she should try a silver one next time as they were easier to break into.

She stared a second, thinking over what this stranger said and she began to laugh with relief. It worked! I got in her car and backed it out. I never once mentioned her obvious 8+ month figure. We were both laughing and I continued with the assumption that she was a novice car thief, warning her about the cop on the next corner as she drove off with a big smile and "thank you."

Of course, I guess she could have been a pregnant car thief...

chelsea said...

What assholes! You should flip at them!

Marina said...

Wow. I didn't know people were like that to pregnant women. How stupid are they? Jesus.

mercurial scribe said...

I vote the last one! And I'm so using these when I really start showing.

I swear I'm going to go ballistic the first time a stranger tries to touch my preggo belly. It's weird how manners and etiquette suddenly fly out the window when someone sees a pregnant woman.

Kristin said...

People are retarded. Pregnant women aren't "huge," they're gorgeous. I love pregnant bellies. I'll put it this way. See, I don't actually want to have kids, but I want to be pregnant for a few reasons.
1)I want to be pregnant, and I want to have a pregnant belly :P
2)I want to decorate a nursury and buy tons of stuff for a baby.
3)I want to make a scrapbook of my pregnancy.
But I don't actually want kids, as strange as that sounds, lol. You're gorgeous. Don't worry about it :P

-KrIsTiN-

Sarah said...

even though that is definitely annoying...i think that people feel comfortable making those kind of jokes with you because you are naturally slim, and from the photos you have posted even slim for a pregnant lady! it's like how people feel like it doesn't count as making fun of someone if it is so obviously not true.

Emmy said...

All of the above, dammit! They deserve it for making fun of you! lol

petra said...

I really don't get it why people have to be that stupid. To me -- from pictures I've seen of you along the way -- you look slim, albeit obviously pregnant. It wouldn't even come to my mind to blurt out a fat jokes like you mentioned. What's up with people? Have they've been sleeping in anatomy and health ed classes?

Next time someone says something stupid in regards of what you just described, shoot something back. Be as rude (in your witty way, of course) to them as they are to you -- let's see if they're ready to take it if the jokes on them. I bet not.

Shalini said...

punch them out.. I am sure we can't get arrested when we are pregnant ;)

People are morons. Just ignore them and just file it all away for later... when you can just blow up at them and then blame the "hormones" when really you just wanted to give them a taste of their own medicine...

Ok hang in there :) almost there...

Anonymous said...

I'm pregnant with my 4th and "omg you're huge" has morphed to "omg, you're pregnant AGAIN?!?" . It doesn't get better, their comments just get stupider.