A year ago today, I was on bed rest recovering from my miscarriage surgery -- probably more so physically than mentally.
It's strange that in the midst of all of this excitement and happiness about this baby, I can't help but mourn the loss of our last one. The memories come to me in snippets when I least expect them, almost like a bad dream.
It first hit me a few weeks ago when we went to pick out pumpkins at a nearby farm. I suddenly remembered selecting a third mini pumpkin last year. Neither one of us mentioned it as we walked around perusing the selection, but neither one of us mentioned getting a third pumpkin either.
Over the days that followed, I started to remember what a hard time I had last fall. I thought about the horrific week of waiting to find out if our pregnancy was "viable," all the while subconsciously knowing that it wasn't. Then there was the surgery and the pains that followed, resulting in one of the scariest nights of my life and an emergency trip to the hospital in an ambulance.
I remember just wanting it to be over. I wanted my body back.
Ironically, I've discovered the physical feelings are very similar to the final weeks of a full-term pregnancy: I'm ready for it to be over. I want my body back.
But it's so different this time around. I want it to be over for a completely different reason. I'm ready to see my daughter and get to know this little person I've been nurturing for the past nine months. I'm also looking forward to bending over and putting on socks in relative comfort. And seeing my feet again.
Realizing that the memories were digging at me, I decided to scroll back through my blog and read everything I wrote about last October. It wasn't because I was dwelling on it, but more as a reminder of how far we've come.
It helped me put into perspective the complaints I've been having in recent weeks as I struggle to get through the most basic activities -- like sleeping and walking a few feet. Even though I'm tired, even though I'm ready for this all to be over, even though I want my body back, I know that I would've given anything to be experiencing these types of problems last year.
And it gives me strength.