Don't get me wrong, I'm in it for the long haul. But when my doctor told me I was considered full-term last week, my husband and I decided to try every old wives' tale we could dig up in hopes of speeding the process along.
Granted, I'm not sure who these "old wives" are, but at this point, the saying could refer to "old crazy witches" and I'd probably still give their methods a try. We even invented one of our own, just for good measure, but seeing as I'm not writing about my newborn, you can probably guess how well they turned out.
- Walking: As if any forward momentum without the help of an engine and four tires isn't hard enough at this point, I have committed to pacing a dent in the concrete sidewalks around my neighborhood. I say "pacing" because there is no such thing as walking anymore. These days, my stride looks more like something a cowboy with 10-foot spurs would do when approaching a showdown in a Western movie.
- Raspberry tea: I have no idea what the concept behind this one is, but I challenge you to locate a box of decaffeinated raspberry tea bags without any other ingredients like ginger or ginseng or ylang ylang. After searching every grocery store in the county, I'm convinced this one has less to do with ingesting the tea and more about the hunt. Frankly, I think the old wives intended it as distraction.
- Caster oil: This one is just sadistic. It makes me think the saying should be "old husband's tales." Only a man would think of encouraging a woman whose insides are squished to capacity to ingest a foul-tasting substance in hopes of spurring horrible intestinal spasms that may eventually lead to contractions. No thanks. I'd rather be pregnant for eternity.
- Spicy food: I'm guessing this one has something to do with making it uncomfortable in there for the little one. Amniotic fluid laced with jalapeno can't be as appetising as say, an entire pint of ice cream. And although I loaded my chicken enchilada with a few squirts of the random green liquid at my favorite Mexican restaurant recently, I only ended up searing my tastebuds and making my eyes water profusely.
- Accupressure: The woman who taught our childbirth class mentioned that a spot on each foot near the big toe can help spur contractions when pressed. For a long time, we thought of it as a magic button. But after a marathon foot massage, the only result I got was pain. If my feet really were the overfilled water balloons they resemble, they would've popped.
- Playing with the baby's toys: In a sleep-deprived moment of borderline insanity, I suggested testing out all of the plush pastel things piling up in the nursery. I guess I thought if our daughter sensed we were having a great time with all of her stuff, she would be somewhat inclined to join us. Then I realized we were being idiots.
Then again, if I don't have this baby by Christmas, don't be surprised if you see a strange woman jumping on the trampoline in your backyard.