Saturday, November 10, 2007

An open letter to my pipe dreams

Dear Due date,

Saying that I have been looking forward to you like a child looks forward to Christmas is a gigantic understatement. At first, you seemed so far away, almost as if you would never arrive. The thought of having to wait through the end of winter, all of spring and summer, then the beginning of fall was overwhelming at times.

I don't think I've ever concentrated on one day for so long in my entire life. I started the countdown sometime in March -- the moment the smell of Jerry's tuna sandwich sent me sprinting to the toilet to dry heave. Or maybe it was earlier, when I became a slave to my cravings. When a fleeting thought of watermelon could mandate a run to the grocery store, where I didn't think twice about paying a ridiculous amount for a pre-sliced container in order to hork it down with my fingers before I even made it out of the parking lot.

I wanted you to arrive so badly that I found myself wishing away summer. SUMMER. You know, the swimming, barbecuing, cat-napping, day-trip taking, picnicking, playing outside, so-awesome-you-want-to-preserve-it-in-a-bottle season. And yet, the promise of you trumped it enough that I wasn't upset as the weeks ticked by. A definite first for me.

When I finally was able to flip the calendar over to October, I was ecstatic. It meant November was next. The finish line was in sight. The end was near. If my body wasn't so uncoordinated and uncooperative at that point, I probably would've attempted a happy dance. Instead, I celebrated by buying a bigger pair of maternity pants and foregoing any footwear other than sneakers.

Now, after months and months and months and months, you're finally here.

And I have no qualms about saying that you're a big, fat disappointment.

You're so big and fat that if you were a person, you wouldn't be able to get out of bed. You'd have a pulley system set up out of a nearby window so that when the pizza delivery guy came, you'd wheel down the money in a bucket with a note instructing him to attach your four meat-lover's pies onto the rope so you could wheel up your afternoon snack.

I know, that was a little harsh. You're not over yet. Only half over. It's noon and you still have a little less than 12 hours to deliver. Literally.

But I'm not holding my breath.

I now know what I should've known a long time ago: you were an estimate, a good guess at best. It was wrong of me to put so much stock in you. I was like an overzealous soccer mom pushing you to become something other than what you really were -- just another ordinary day.

One I will spend the entirety of in my fleece pants and Jerry's T-shirt and hoodie sweatshirt, lamenting about how wrong I was about you.

Until I bid you good day.

But why wait? I'm done with waiting. No time like the present.

Good day, Sir. May you rot like the uninspired 24-hour period that you were destined to be.

Lovingly yours,


chelsea said...

Doctors should just predict due dates a week later than they should be. Hang in there!

the plainsman said...

Through your words, I can feel your exasperation and discontent with the arrival of this day (so far) with the little one inside, instead of at your side.

In a instant now, that will change and these last few days will shrink in memory. Quickly.

I can almost see the post where you become nostalgic for these days! Nah, just kidding!

Might be when that Pitt game is on later!

Ray said...

I love your humor! AND, the days not over yet. "I hope, I hope, I HOPE that today's the day!" And if not Wednesday will be here soon. =)

Take, care.

Also: if the little one doesn't arrive I suggest lots of SLEEPING, and doing something that you love but might not be able to do much of once LITTLE MISS arrives.

Ray said...

P.S. I also can't believe that with all that you've been through (with both pregnancies) that there's finally an end in sight for you. Well with the due date and all. And in a couple of days, the journey will be over & a new journey will begin. Your baby ticker is now over and that's: "AWESOME!"

Marina said...

Ouch, baby. Very ouch. You show that bitch who's boss.

Randall said...

So close! So close! Can't wait to click on your site one morning in the very near future showing a quick post from Jerry and a picture of your lovely new family. So close!

Kristin said...

That was intense, I must say.
But hang in there.
Any minute now, Kelly, any minute.


Cindy said...

You're almost there!!! She'll be so worth it when she arrives! How about a 40 week shot? (Hahaha, just kidding, don't wanna piss the pregnant lady off any more!)

aahcoffee said...

PUHLEASE print this out and put it in your baby book!!!

Sarah said...

Well.. my mom's birthday is on Monday! Maybe she'll be a fellow November 12th Scorpio baby! Haha.

Keep hanging in there Kelly! =]

just said...

Well, I'm still feeling "Wednesday", so I am hoping my 'baby vibes' are still working. She'll be here soon, and she will be ready to celebrate Thanksgiving with mommy and daddy (and Toby too)!!!

Anonymous said...

May I suggest shaving your legs? It was during that contortion that I felt my first contraction with son #1.

Janice said...

That should be published...especially about the pizza.

Shalini said...

Very eloquent letter. I wish i had written it :)

any day NOW as they all love to say!

amy said...

I am sorry that you're going through this Kelly. Believe me it will be the worth the wait. Just a few more days and it will be all over. Just hang in there. I say by Monday you'll have the baby. I can't wait to hear the good news!!!

Emmy said...

i'd imagine setting it on fire. then, roasting marshmallows for smores.

LeslieAnn said...

No post today (Sunday)?

Is baby coming?

Meghan said...

Nothing written today....I'm getting excited!!

amy said...

Ooh, no post today!!

Sarah said...

11/11 would be the coolest birthday EVER!!!

I hope the baby's on her way!

Anonymous said...

Hey Kelly, Its 2:20 pm 11/11/2007 and no post so far. that rhymes so what a perfect day for a birthday. I hope you at the hospital having your baby.

Ray said...

LOL, at everyone's comments today! I hope LITTLE MISS is already here TOO! Or maybe Kelly did something really drastic. LOL, kidding!! If not I still say, she's going to be born tomorrow. I don't know why but that day is stuck on me.

Bye now. =)

Emilee said...

There's no post from you today, so I'm hoping you're having your little girl right now! We're all sitting on the edge of our seats! :] 11/11/07!

Alexandria said...

Oh my gosh, we're all so excited! Hope Little Miss is on her way!

Anonymous said...

Hey Kelly, I remember a long time ago you posted that women would put off having their baby on a day that Pittsburgh was playing football. Now Look At You! HA HA just kidding. Hope all is going well.

Damn Jerry you missed a GREAT game!

jsi said...

Oh what a bummer of a letter.