Thursday, November 8, 2007

She's NEVER coming out

Stupid, uncooperative cervix.

I should've known that the phantom labor pains I've been having for the past week amounted to a big fat pile of squat in terms of progression toward real, actual labor. I am officially 39 weeks and five days pregnant. But my cervix hasn't gotten the memo.

The rest of my body, on the other hand, is screaming from the injustice of it all. The fact that obstetricians start telling you "any day now" two weeks before the due date is complete garbage. False hope, people. False hope. All that does is encourage pipe dreams of an early labor for a woman who is desperately close to coming unhinged from something as simple as running out of orange juice in the morning.

I had my 39 week appointment yesterday and I'm still almost exactly where I was last week: a little more than 1 centimeter dilated and 80 to 90 percent effaced.

Whoopdee pffft.

The worst part is, I'm still desperately trying random ways to jump start this process. I even ingested two burning hot pepperoncinis on election night when the cavalry of pizzas arrived in the newsroom. And it may not sound like a big sacrifice on my part, but that's two more hot peppers than I've ever eaten in my entire life. And all I ended up with for my effort was burning lips, a few moments of intense gagging and hours of painful acid reflux. Oh yeah, and I'm pretty sure the baby LOVED it. She kicked and squirmed for hours as if I had just ingested an entire bucket of frosting made from real butter and pure sugarcane.

The doctor was appropriately sympathetic at my lack of progression and started talking a little more seriously about scheduling an induction. I made one final weekly appointment for next Wednesday, and if I don't go into labor on my own before then, I get to participate in a fantastic set of fetal tests where they hook me up like a lab rat to some monitors for about 30 minutes. I think it's to make sure that the baby hasn't started using bricks and mortar to build a three-story house or anything. Although I'm pretty sure I felt a power saw in there a few days ago. Maybe she prefers natural wood to brick.

In the meantime, I'm trying not to embrace a completely defeatist attitude. I know the mind is a powerful thing, so every morning I try to mentally will her to join in on the whole "oxygen" thing. It's cool, I tell her. You'll like it. Much more than slurping months-old amniotic fluid that contains your urine.

My next plan of attack? Bribing her by promising to make her a birthday cake. With a whole bucket of frosting made from real butter and pure sugarcane. Topped with a hot pepper.

25 comments:

Emily said...

I feel your pain. I was told I'd go early, too, but didn't deliver until 10 days AFTER my due date. (They tried inducing at 9 days, but she was REALLY comfy in there, apparently.) I hate to be a living horror story here, but one thing I found was true... due dates can be off. They warned me that my baby was going to be HUGE... and she came out at 7 lbs, 12 oz and 21 1/2 inches long. (meaning very long and very skinny--NOT a big, overdue baby!)

I wanted to shoot whoever told me this at the time, but honestly just try and relax, and enjoy your last moments without a newborn. Since your last day of work is tomorrow, seriously try and rest and get sleep when you can. I ended up having over 3 weeks off from work before Brooke arrived, (last day was at 38 weeks) and all of the rest I ended up getting DID help!

Take care! :)

Tiffany said...

That just means that you are doing a great job of keeping her warm and comfy in there :-) And, at the very most it sounds like you have less than a week to go with the talk of induction. Now, *that's* something to get excited about!!

the plainsman said...

Props for giving the hot peppers a try on Election Day: I was convinced for weeks that would be THE day. Tempting her with that butter frosted birthday cake with the hot pepper on top might be just the thing. Hang on, it will be soon! A few months from now you will look back on this time as if it was all so long ago.

Anonymous said...

You poor thing--I know how badly you want her out. We're all pulling for you...and for her. Maybe tell her about all the on-line fan-fare she's going to get when she decides to come out and join the world. :)

Myranda said...

My sister just had a baby last year, and it was torture for her the last few weeks. She went three days over her due date, but when it all happened she said it didn't even matter because her daughter was here. When my niece came out, it looked like she had been to the salon because her dark dark brown hair and streaks of blond in it, like little highlights! So, your daughter might just be visiting the salon to get perfected for her big debute :)

Anonymous said...

has your doctor not told you to have sex yet? seriously, try it. its like they realise you are trying to get some alone time and pop out right away

Ray said...

Awesome blog! Positively too cute for words (okay that was beyond CORNY, something that I don't usually LIKE being, but whatever). Please, PLEASE try castor oil! If it doesn't work, at least you tried. =o)

Take, care.

P.S. I know when your daughter's all grown up around my age, she'll laugh when she reads these last few blogs of your pregnancy, and think how crazy you were for wanting her out so badly! Hehe. But it just shows that you're a loving mother desperately wanting to see this little girl that you helped create. As we ALL are desperate to see her as well. <3

Ray said...

P.S. I know you're probably going to want to throw a brick at me, but I think she's going to join the world on Novemeber 12th. ;o) AND, if she comes out on time, you can stick your tongue out at me in cyberworld and say (write), "I TOLD YOU SO!" Hehe.

Ray said...

*November

chelsea said...

I still think you should try playing Clue, it has helped induce labor in my family!

Janice said...

How could she refuse that cake? Hopefully soon!

Ana said...

It will seem like forever, there's no changing that. Be assured that one good contraction can efface you the rest of the way and bring you to four centimeters and thats the magic number for epidural. (If you want one) Don't sweat the induction if you need one. Everyone always says it's way more painful, but you wont know that because you have no current basis of reference. I managed two inductions without pain meds and breathing.. and I'm totally a wuss, strong willed wuss. It really can be be any moment, really. I wouldn't try the castor oil, nothing worse than being that pregnant and having diarhea on top of it! or worse.. vomiting. ugh. Nipple stimulation is fun for the whole gang though. :)

Jennifer said...

Did you try the brown sugar trick that I mentioned to you? Unless you really hate brown sugar, its worth a try!

And even though its none of our business so thats probably why you haven't mentioned anything about it... but sex really does work too.

Hang in there baby!

Wait... no NO!! I take that back! I didn't mean it like that! DON'T YOU DARE HANG IN THERE BABY!! We all want to see you!

Marina said...

GAHHH. Doesn't she realize this is torture for your readers? DOESN'T SHE?

Do teh sex0rz.

Emmy said...

One of my cousin's (a few days past her due date) jump-started her labor by having hours of stimulating *whammy* sex with her husband and then headed to the hospital with the news that her water had broke. It had actually worked. Go figure! But then there was my nutty aunt who literally caused her water to break by power-walking it on an inclined treadmill at her neighborhood gym. She had a membership there and no one was going to tell her she couldn't or shouldn't do something like exercising her baby out. I mean, all she had to declare was these exact words... "Listen up! I'm about three-weeks overdue, people, and ready to kill somebody if this baby doesn't get out real SOON! So no one better say anything or get in my way!" Of course, *THEY* (the gym's owner and the trainers) let her get to it! But I think it was mainly because they really felt sorry for her or just plain SCARED of her. lol

Rachel said...

Oh I hope it happens for you soon! I was induced and it was a fast and easy labor and delivery, but every woman is different. Hopefully you go on your own in the next couple days! I'm sending you labor vibes!

Anonymous said...

We're all on Babywatch!!!

Andrea said...

Aww your scaring me.. I am 4 months preggo with my first child and you are the second person I "know" that has went through this. Eeks. I am sure everythign will be fine. I'm Italian and what they tell us to do is drink a glass of red wine while your someone rubs your feet. there is a certain spot on your foot that can "naturally" induce labor. Maybe you should give it a whirl?

Lauren said...

You should read (or should have read) Birth: the Surprising Story (tale? history?) of How We are Born.

One of the chapters mentions that many first-time moms go past 40weeks, well into their 41st week, and that the babies and mothers are no worse for the wear.

Don't let them talk you into pitocin. There's research out linking the use of pitocin during labor and autism revealing itself in preschoolers. I have decided ahead of time that if they even mention pitocin, I'm high-tailing it out of there and having this baby in somebody's bathtub.

And, as anonymous said, having sex (with orgasm) can release oxytocin (which is the natural (and safe!) form of pitocin) and can stimulate labor.

Alison said...

You know how food tastes so much better when you're just absolutely starving? Relax. She's right where she needs to be.

Take care.

LeslieAnn said...

November 11!

Kristin said...

Aww.
She'll come out eventually, lol.

-KrIsTiN-

Candace said...

This makes me think of the Will Ferrell skit on SNL where a lady gives birth to Will Ferrel, who comes out as a 40 year old man. ;)

hahaha. She'll be out soon!! I can't wait! I keep checking the blog, and while it loads I think... I wonder if today was the day!

My best wishes & my thoughts are with you!

Anonymous said...

I'm sure you have heard of the Eggplant Parmigiana trick. I found an article that ABCNEWS did about something. You might try that. It's bound to taste better than hot peppers.

http://abcnews.go.com/GMA/story?id=125682&page=1

Ashley

the plainsman said...

No new blog post today (Friday) yet, so maybe today's the day!

As for the many good suggestions here, I think it's a toss up between the sex or a game of Clue. Bet I know which one Jerry and Kelly might pick!

Good luck.