Thursday, January 10, 2008


Now I really know what a dairy cow feels like.

Because I'm so committed to breastfeeding, I decided to invest in a double electronic breast pump to help me when I go back to work. The hefty price tag had me second-guessing the decision, but it could save us hundreds in the long run if I can avoid having to switch to formula anytime soon.

Not to mention I really enjoy being Alli's sole source of nourishment. It's an indescribable feeling.
I did some research online and found an electronic pump that is compatible with the manual system I already have. So, a few computer clicks and a day later, the contraption arrived on our porch -- in a much larger package than I had expected.

I opened the box to find the "discreet" carrying tote. Discreet my ass. This thing might as well be a suitcase. The FAA would barely consider it a carry-on.

And I'm pretty sure it weighs more than Allison.

Anxious to get started, I immediately dug out all the parts and began washing and sanitizing everything while flipping through the instruction booklet. Because I was already familiar with the product, it didn't seem too daunting. The only difference is I would be pumping both breasts at the same time and allowing an electronic device to do all the work for me while I looked down and freaked out at the strangeness of it all.

I plugged the unit into the wall near my favorite spot on the couch while Jerry was watching TV. Although insanely curious, he knew not to inspect the process too closely because I completely reamed him out when he asked to watch the first time I tried to use my hand pump a few weeks ago. I guess I just needed to get comfortable with it before he reacted to watching milk squirt out of my nipple into an awaiting receptacle.

So Jerry just stared straight ahead at the television as if his life depended on it while I loaded my boobs into the suction cups and turned on the pump.

Holy hell is it weird.

Here is this thing, with indicator lights and pressure-forming tubes, connected to my body while it contracts and releases my areolas.

I could only think to say one thing: Moo.

Jerry just started laughing hysterically on the other side of the couch, sputtering and doing his best not to turn his head.

I gave him the go-ahead.

"LOOK AT THIS THING! Gah! ... I mean, don't get me wrong, it's totally working, but I feel like the victim of a horrible science experiment or something."

The equipment is designed to remember my personal pumping pattern and strength and repeat it until I shut it off. Well, I must've pumped too hard on my own because after a few seconds, I realized it was about to suck my nipples right off my body.


Not remembering exactly how to shut it off other than violently pulling the plug directly out of the socket, I opted to quickly break the suction and set the pumps down.

Then I broke into laughter as it just kept right on going -- lapping at the air.

I know it'll get more comfortable the more I use it, but one thing won't ever change.

I'll always feel like I belong in a stall on a dairy farm.

Chewing hay.


Lioncloud said...

What shall we call you now? Daisy? Elsie? Clover?

Anonymous said...

You're too funny. I just love reading your blog. Thank God they didn't have instruments of torture when I was breast feeding!

Julie said...

Is that one of those hands free ones that you're supposed to be able to sit back, "relax" and read a book or something while it sucks milk out of your titties? I've seen the ads in the pregnancy magazines I have. It does not look comfortable. At. All.

Anonymous said...

I'll bet the thing even has a car adapter so you can pump as you drive!!!

lovechild420 said...

I cracked up at this post! The very first thing my husband did the first time I used my breast pump: Ran over, smacked my butt, and said "now, Moo, woman!" LoL It broke the ice, though, I guess. They COULD make those things a little more mommy-friendly, though..

Kriston said...

When Ian was in the NICU I had to pump at home and at the hospital in the breast pump room. So I'm very familiar with the way you are feeling. Daniel got way to into it. At one point he snuck in the breast pump room with me and hooked me up to two different pumps so he had them alternating squirts. He found it hilarious. Later one it's not going to feel so weird. I promise Jerry will want to use the boobs as squirt guns by the end of things. Daniel used to target Sophia from across the room. I don't know if anyone has told you but it will help when you are at work if you have a little photo album to look at of Alli. I know that's strange but it will. said...

It does not seem like enough to type in a simple lol, so LOL!, LOL!, LOL!

I'm completely out of my element here, but maybe it is like nursing twins?

Think that is a great idea about having the pics of Alli while, uh, "in production" at work.

jsi said...

You're right, it is an indescribeable feeling to be the nourishment for your child. No feeling replaces it or evokes such a deep sence of accomplishment.
Once I started a pumping schedule that included feeding the baby and still being able to have milk to pump an addition 6 ounces, it felt like I was making a deposit in the bank. Breastmilk was more valuable to me than a bar of gold.
Practice makes perfect, you'll get to be an expert in no time.

Jaxon said...

Not quite the same as looking down and seeing Alli lovingly latched onto your breast eh? Oh well, if it gets the job done, but technology can be rather daunting at times.

So Jerry is interested in the milk mechanics? Just wait until you have sex the first time and those babies turn loose all over Jerry. (Boy could I tell some stories!) We'll see how into the breast thing he is then. You guys will laugh until you puke.

mercurial scribe said...

LOL. I'm so glad I'm not the only one who was intimidated by the breast pump, though I have to admit I'm not sure I could be as brave as you are and get the double electric pump. Seriously makes me laugh (also thinking "MOO!") and squirm simultaneously.

fiona said...

OMG, I can't BELIEVE you waited so long to get a pump!! My sister brought over hers for me when I was four months along and it was a LIFESAVER!!! Especially considering it took a while for my milk to come in so the pump really helped with that.
Congrats on being able to produce so much...I dried up about a week ago and I am still secretly feeling very very badly about it.
Start pumpin' and storing; you'll want to start practicing with her taking a bottle before you go back to work or else she won't eat once she starts day care since she's so used to nursing.

Ray said...

Hahaha. I love how you're so honest and humorous with your writing. And I'm 100% sure that any woman would feel that way. But the good thing is that it makes breastfeeding easier. Ummm, well except for the whole sucking your nipples off thing. =P

Take, care.

kristin said...

I was completely wide eyed the first time I saw my friend use her pump. It really was sucking the hell out of her nipple. I couldn't believe it.

Jessica said...

I'm so thankful I didn't have to go back to work, one of the reasons being the pumping. I have one of the fabulous dual electric pumps but I'm so lazy that I've hardly used it! I hate the cleaning & sitting there doing nothing (I don't sit still very well). I'm sure I'd be committed about it if I had to be, though.

I find it's not painful anymore so just hang in there!

Anonymous said...

Good for you!!! It is soooo worth it! And Kudos to you for being able to pump while not nursing, I had to nurse at the same time.

I'll never hear the end of how many gallons of "mommy milk" we had in the freezer at at time.

Go Kelly!!!


Emilee said...

My assistant coach has a three-month old son named Tyson, and I walked into the locker room yesterday to find her using her breast pump. Definitely one of the more awkward experiences of my life, but she just laughed it off.