There are a few things I expected about dealing with a newborn. I knew there would be dirty diapers. I knew they would overflow on occasion. I even knew to plan on poop in the few seconds it takes to scoot a clean one into place.
But I didn't expect it to spray so expertly and all-encompassing around a room.
I can now say I've been pooped on.
So can Jerry.
And Toby, too.
After moving Allison from her bathtub to her changing table last night, I must've let go of the bottom fold of her towel -- at the exact moment she decided to let her bowels loose.
Poop dripped all the way down my right pantleg and smeared on my sweater. I, of course, didn't notice until the smell hit my nostrils.
"Oh God, I think she pooped," I said to Jer.
Sure enough, the bottom portion of her white towel was covered with brown and her legs were sticky. And because I set her down, it transferred to her changing pad, making an even bigger mess.
"DON'T DUMP THE BATH WATER!" I yelled to Jer, moments too late.
"Crap," he said as the last remnants swirled down the drain.
"Exactly what I'm dealing with in here, too. Ugh. This is GROSS!" I said. "Fill 'er back up!"
Not noticing the mess on my clothes, I leaned into the table, smudging some of it on her furniture. Toby, meanwhile, was underfoot and it rubbed all over him, too. Then Jerry came in, and while he was laughing hysterically and taking photos, I'm happy to say he didn't get out unscathed either.
After giving her a second bath, changing my clothes, cleaning Toby, wiping off the furniture, swapping the changing pad cover, treating the towel stain and putting her in clean pajamas, Jerry and I looked at each other wondering what the hell had just happened.
I didn't think it could've been any worse.
Then I discovered crusty hardened poop on the carpet this morning.
And Toby seemed to have a look on his face that said, "See? It happens to the best of us sometimes."