Do you know how hard it is to get intimate with a baby in the house?
I mean, I thought it was bad when we got a dog. Particularly because the only way to get Toby to shut up at night when he was a puppy was to put him in bed with us, which turned out to be a gigantic nightly commitment. He now hops aboard, paws at the covers to get underneath and assumes his position between us as a gigantic furry chastity belt.
In the summer, we can leave him outside for awhile, but the winter is a whole different story. Fortunately Toby's smart enough to pick up on certain cues when he's not wanted on the bed -- well, most of the time anyway -- but he always retaliates by stealing away with the underwear we cast aside. So we can no longer disrobe with total abandon in the heat of the moment.
Often times we'll remind each other that our clothes need to land at a higher altitude than the floor. And, let me tell you, the words, "Don't forget to put your underwear on the nightstand, honey," are TOTALLY sexy.
Even more sexy? Hearing the dog pace around the bed, whining loudly about not being a part of the party.
I didn't think it was possible to have more obstacles to overcome in the sex department, then we filled the room next to ours with a child.
Not only has caring for an infant made us so tired that we usually hit the bed with our eyes already closed, but on the rare occasion that we have a little bit of energy left to enjoy ourselves with, we have constant reminders that our lives have changed.
Like the fact that my boobs are now function over form. Or catching a glance of any of our daughter's happy little stuffed animals that made their way into the bedroom to stare at us. Or the looming fact that, while our little lady is the best, we DO NOT want another one. Not right now anyway.
The coup de grace was when she woke up from a nap and started crying while we had tried to take advantage of the alone time. Talk about a complete and total buzz kill. It was almost as immediate and disastrous as if one of our parents had walked into the room.
But we refused to let it ruin our fun and summoned our inner college student -- a time in life when it was completely normal to have to block out the unsexiness of your roommate. Like drowning out the sounds of kung-foo movie blaring in the next room. Or the pizza delivery guy ringing the doorbell because someone else ordered dinner. Or when your friend lost her psych book and knocked, wondering if she could come in and look around.
Much to our surprise, it wasn't completely impossible to do. Years from now I know Allison will be grossed out at the fact that her father and I even touch lips, let alone anything else. And I'm sure she'll mentally deny that we ever had sex, even though she's living proof of it.
But, it's true.
Kids make it a lot harder, but parents still have sex.