Sunday, March 9, 2008

Note to self

Don't ever leave a container of orange juice -- even for a second -- on the top of the porch railing while you fumble with your keys and other bags of groceries in attempt to get inside the door.

Why? Because right as you're thinking, "Hmm ... that might not be the best spot for that." Right then? Right at that moment? It will come crashing down at your feet, spurt open in all directions and cover your sneakers and pants and coat the porch in a sticky river of orange.

Then your husband will open the door, baby and dog in tow, to look at the scene with such utter disbelief that the only thing that could possibly come out of your mouth is "Fuck." Then you slump your shoulders in defeat and resign yourself to the mess you're going to have to clean up as you track all of it inside, one sloppy shoe print at a time, as you make your way to the kitchen.

And, of course, the only thing you wanted in the entire car full of groceries was a big glass of orange juice. Because of that, you had purchased the largest and most expensive swimming pool-sized container of the stuff. You wanted it so badly that you briefly consider placing your mouth under the spot where it's dripping off the porch and flowing down each step and onto the sidewalk.

Instead, your husband springs into action and starts sweeping the mess with your gigantic outdoor push broom. The liquid flows into the snow and the entire scene looks like a giant wild animal had diarrhea all over your front walkway. Awesome.

To help, you fill a pitcher with water and start dousing the porch as fast as you can fill and empty it without accidentally letting the dog escape. Because, of course, he is very interested in the commotion, as well as the delicious aroma that is wafting inside.

But then your husband yells at you for "making a sheet of ice." That's his thing these days. "A sheet of ice." Everything is a sheet of ice -- the roads, the car windshields, the back walkway. You want to remind him that the temperature is well above freezing and the weather forecast predicts it to stay that way, but instead, you just mentally imagine pouring the water over his head and that's revenge enough.

In your mind, the only positive thing about the entire situation is the fact that it's cold outside. If the calender pages had been flipped over a few more times, every bug in North America would be attached to your porch in a disgusting clump of juice and legs.

Thankfully, the juice stopped pulsing out after it leaked below the spot the container cracked open, so there was enough to salvage a glass.

It was easily the tastiest few gulps of orange juice ever, but not delicious enough to make up for the fact that dozens of oranges had to die in vain because of your carelessness.

Oranges deserve better.


Anonymous said...

i love your writing style!

fiona said...

I'm going to guess this entry was prompted due to first-hand experience...

Jaxon said...

It's moments like that when you wish you could press rewind on your life and NOT set the OJ down on the porch railing. said...

I'll trade your day for mine. Opened my front blinds and beyond the porch, my entire view was blocked by vegetation where no vegetation had been seen before. Your page is much funnier to read, though. "Sheet of ice" is what my dad always said! Meanwhile, I'll add avoiding organge snow and ice to my list.

jsi said...

Tragic bummer of an afternoon.
It is an additional tragedy to losing an hour in the whole spring-forward balance of our Eastern daylight savings.
I need a glass of juice.

Ray said...

Man, I wish Jerry had gotten the camera (I would have loved to see that orange sight)! But with a baby and a dog in tow, that's quite impossible to do. =)

Are You Willing to Change? said...

I did that last week with milk...It was a terrible thing, and I couldn't believe it. I wanted chocolate milk so badly! :)