Friday, May 9, 2008

We might need HAZMAT training

Allison's farts used to be the exact opposite of Toby's SBDs. They were fun little toots without any incriminating odor. And they were doubly amusing coming from something so sweet and small.

Most of the time, Jerry and I just burst out laughing.

But now they're not so funny anymore. Who knew a sprinkle of dehydrated rice flakes could create so much intestinal turmoil?

Jerry was the first to change a real diaper. One with "food" expulsion. And I'm pretty sure he used the adjectives "horrendous" and "chunky." Then, in all seriousness, he discussed the idea of installing a hanger above her changing table and using it to store a high-grade gas mask. One strong enough to stand up to natural disasters -- which her diapers are quickly becoming.

I brushed him off. Surely he must be exaggerating. It couldn't possibly be that bad.

But now I think his idea might have some merit. Late last night, while I was feeding Allison, she wiggled and farted. Nothing out of the ordinary, just a silly sound that made me smile.

Then it hit me.

Oh the horror.

It smelled like Jerry had given her a bucket of KFC and followed it up with a bottle of nitrous oxide. If there had been a candle burning, the house would've exploded.

The worst part was, I couldn't go anywhere. She had me cornered. What I wanted to do was scream, "HOLY GOD, LITTLE MISS!" and run for some fresh air.

What happens when we start giving her actual food? You know, stuff that doesn't pour out of a box and resemble faux snow for a miniature Christmas village.

Regardless, I refuse to give her asparagus until she's old enough to use a toilet.


Kristy said...

The joy of breast milk only diapers is behind you...just wait until she's two and gets into chocolate or baked beans--ugh I shudder just thinking of those.

Bitchy Mom said...

Sounds like rice cereal doesn't agree with her. May want to try something else, or hold off on the rice cereal for a couple weeks and try again. I don't think that earth shattering farts are a normal reaction to their first food!!

Sounds like you DO need a hazmat suit! RUN FOR COVER!!

Ray said...

OMG! THAT'S HILARIOUS. Especially the: "Then, in all seriousness, he discussed the idea of installing a hanger above her changing table and using it to store a high-grade gas mask." And this was funny as well: "What I wanted to do was scream, HOLY GOD, LITTLE MISS! and run for some fresh air."

I'm sure Allison will be thanking you for letting us know about her pooping changes (when she's older). LOL! =o)

Take, care.

Lioncloud said...



Marcy said...

Hmmm that alone sounds like reason enough to put off giving solids as long as possible! Currently, weird as it may sound, I actually almost like the smell of my son's (breastfed) poopy diapers.

plainsman don't know 'bout babies said...

Hmmm, as a non-parent, I think babies thankfully start using the bathroom themselves at about seven months. I'm not sure how they get out of the cribs, though. Knotted bedsheets, possibly, or little ladders, but what do I know.

Until then, I think I'd skip giving her any chocolate or baked beans.

Kristin said...

that's really funny.
I'm never having kids =]
To each her own, though, I suppose.


Traci said...


Wissh said...

Just you wait, it's only just begun.
Avoid grape juice at all costs.

jsi said...

The joy of the breast-fed diaper cannot compare to the despair of the real food diaper. I know you enjoy the power of exaggeration within the opportunity to express your opinion - it is well done and quite fun on all accounts. I hope this post is an exaggeration of her reaction to food - a little rice should not have this dramatic explosion. Every new food brings an opportunity to evaluate and will be like a white coat wearing research scientist You may have found a combination that is very disruptive to her.
You have entered a new world of dinnertime - my nickname for my oldest daughter isn't "Peaches" for nuthin'.

I can't wait to hear about bananas!