Friday, July 11, 2008

Must be the pickle juice

Jerry wants to get a tattoo.

This is the same man who readily shares the story about how his father successfully talked him out of getting something cliche like the Tasmanian devil revved up in a midway spin on his shoulder when he turned 16.

THANK GOD.

Apparently after Jerry constantly begged for permission, his dad tried to convey how permanent the decision was. So he told Jer to write down exactly what he wanted and where. Then he sealed it in an envelope and made him a promise: They would open the envelope one year later and if Jerry still wanted that exact tattoo in that exact spot, he could have it.

Well, 365 days later, Jerry discovered he hated the choice. And the realization had a lasting impact.

It was so substantial he managed to go without getting one even after he turned 18, which just happened to fall at the peak of tattoo popularity when every college student in the country couldn't wrangle themselves out of their clothes to get inked fast enough.

Hell, I even got one. On my 18th birthday. Right after I bought a lottery ticket. Because I could.

And to this day I could kiss the tattoo artist who took one look at me and my preppy friends giggling in the waiting area and realized I would likely regret it years later. She talked me out of getting it above my belly button, then on my foot, then on my ankle. Yep, my tiny star is snugly hidden on my lower back, right where no one can see it -- especially me.

It makes for a great story and an even better memory, but if tattoo removal was free and readily available, mine would've been zapped to oblivion at least four years ago. Maybe five.

Jerry, on the other hand, wants to take the plunge now for reasons I'm not quite able to grasp.

Maybe it's the new tattoo shop that just opened downtown. Maybe he just wants to see what it feels like. Maybe it's just a natural progression after chugging pickle juice.

Personally, I don't find them sexy. I love the fact that he's ink- and piercing-free. And, even more importantly, I think the two of us as parents present a pretty compelling argument for Allison someday not to get one. As in, "Dad never got one. And look how absolutely ridiculous your mother's sagging back fat looks with that droopy purple blob on it."

But Jerry's got the itch.

The conversation has presented itself almost daily for awhile now. In typical Jerry style, his ideas border on the absolutely absurd like getting our friend Roger's face on one of his butt cheeks if Roger agrees to reciprocate.

Then there was the idea of making a very public tattoo bet with his radio morning show co-anchor. I'm not exactly sure of the details, but Jerry has told me he would likely end up with Nancy Reagan's face on his ass.

And if that happens, I can tell you without an ounce of uncertainty that I would never vote Republican again. I would have enough of that party in my life on a daily basis.

I can practically hear his supporters, though. "It'll hidden on his butt," they'll say. "You'll never see it."

And then I'll somehow tactfully inform them that Jerry is more than happy to drop trou and moon me whenever the mood strikes. When he wants to make a point. On his way to the bathroom. When it's hot outside. When it's cold outside. After lunch. When he bends over to pick something up. When he's standing at the fridge. When there's a pause in conversation. Or my personal favorite -- shaking it in my face after a shower.

Now envision Nancy Reagan staring back at me each and every one of those times. Daily. For the rest of my life.

I'd rather have the Tasmanian devil on his arm.

At least that would stay covered on occasion.

14 comments:

Marina said...

The most shocking thing about that is that you used to vote republican. ;)

Gisela said...

never vote republican "again".
...
...
...

WHAT?!

Sarah said...

I think if he is thinking this much about it, he shouldn't get one. I have three tatttoos and don't regret any of them but also I didn't have a lot of conflitcion about it before I got them.,, I knew what I wanted one so I went for it. That is the kind of person who should get a tattoo I think. If you are going into it already thinking you might regret it,or going back and forth about it then you are not the kind of person who should get a tattoo. Just my two cents :-) My boyfriend has been "thinking" about getting a tatoo for like 10 years and still doesn't have one. I think that's best!

Ashley said...

Of course, he could always get something like Alison's name or foot/hand print. My best friend's husband has both of his girls' handprints on his chest. He loves it because he can remember how small they once were and they love to press their hands up against it to see how much they have grown.

Marcy said...

The envelope idea is brilliant. I'm gonna have to file that one away for when Donovan's old enough to start asking for one!

Wendy said...

Let's ignore the political....its a personal choice and Kelly's business (and only her business) for whom she chooses to cast her vote.

Make Jerry do the same thing his dad did.....draw a pic of nancy regan and make him check back in a year to see if he still wants that on his butt.

Jennifer Suarez said...

I am a huge fan of tattoos, one look at my full back tattoo, my hip and my legs would tell you that. HOWEVER if someone is unsure about what they want, I always say "don't get it!!" If you aren't 1 million percent sure then it is NOT worth the risk. Especially if its your first tattoo.

Tell Jerry he should give the old envelope trick a try again. Seal it for 3 months or 6 if need be... but tattoos are forever, even tattoo removal will leave scars.

The safest tattoo to get (in my opinion) would be one to represent your child. Because they you'll have something as permanent as they are in your life... and that is pretty cool.

HeyJade said...

I have three shooting stars on the top of my foot, and I love it...have had it for 8 years and it's still vibrant and cool. I also have an icthus fish on my ankle and still like it too, have had it for 9 years. I am itching badly to get another one, only the hubby isn't so excited about it (I got the two I have before I was married)...so I'm trying hard to be an obedient wife and not just run right out and get one. It's hard though. It's worth it, though...'cause he's my husband and all. Haha.

LeslieAnn said...

I found the tattoo I wanted when I was about 14 or 15 years old. I knew I wouldn't be able to get it for years, but I had a copy of it on my computer and loved it. About four years later I decided I was going to get it done. I figured if I had found it and immediately loved it and my mind hadn't changed in four years, it was ok to get it. My tattoo is on my right hip about two inches to the left of the pelvis bone. I've had it for about four years and still love it. No one really sees it but it's part of me.

My tattoo is a Borneo rolling star, which was a symbol that was used for travelers before a trip to ensure safety. I also want a nautical star because it's more modern but is a symbol for wishes of a safe return. :D That one will be hidden too.

My older brother just got his second tattoo but he's a Marine so it's kind of expected.

I agree with Sarah, if there's some hesitation on it, don't do it. You have to know you want it.

Ray said...

Oh Kelly that post is too funny. But maybe Jerry will forget about the tattoo like he's done before in the past. Let's just hope so. Haha. =P

{My dad's got a really big tattoo of, "Jesus Christ" on his shoulder. But very rarely do I remember it, because he rarely wears sleveless shirts}.

Well, take care.

Emilee said...

My cousin just got a tattoo of a pair of angel wings covering his entire back, and now that's given me the determination to actually go through with it and get one myself. I already know what I want and I've wanted it for some time, but I just have to wait until I'm legal. :) But it's definitely going to be small and hidden, I've heard the "you won't get a good job!" argument so much.

Karen said...

I agree with Sarah. I have two, a rose with a butterfly on my left ankle, and a 4 leaf clover on my right upper thigh. I want another one, but haven't found exactly the design or how to incorporate my kids' names into it yet. Not to mention finding the money lol.

the no "tats" plainsman said...

The facination with them and wanting to get one escapes me completly. My parents never had any, but my uncle, a veteran did, huge ones on his arms. Good design work, eagle and stuff but over time blurred, whatever.

No one ever said I couldn't have any, so there was no forbidden fruit aspect either.

I think a rerun of Jerry's Dad's envelope trick is in order, for the full year, too! And if by then, he still wants one, forget Nancy; agree with above, get something relating to Allison!

My 2 cents, (sorry Jerry!)

Amanda said...

DO NOT DO IT! Seriously, I have three and if I knew I could get away with it without scarring myself, I would scrape them off with a paring knife myself. Right now. Without numbing it. Or getting drunk beforehand. Just as long as they were gone forever.