Thursday, July 17, 2008

My incestual lesbian lover, Jerri

Deciding it was fate when a free haircut coupon to a new high-end salon came in the mail at my mom's house, I made a dual appointment for me and Jerry because both of us were in desperate need of some professional attention.

My mom and I had gotten pedicures at their original location earlier in the week, so I knew it was the type of place that uses upscale products and the stylists offer to get you coffee or tea. A place where you can bask in VIP treatment -- even if just for a moment.

But Jerry wasn't so sure.

Especially when the appointment confirmation call came and I made the rookie mistake of playing the voicemail message on speaker.

"Good afternoon, Kelly. This is Stephanie from the salon calling to remind you of your 10:45 appointment tomorrow morning with Jordan. ... Oh, and I see here Jerry is listed under the same phone number, so I'll confirm her appointment with ... "

The rest of the message barely even mattered.

"HER?!" Jerry sputtered, his arm frozen in midair holding a heaping spoonful of pureed pears on the way to Allison's mouth. Her verbal protest snapped him back to reality.

But he was still shaken.


"It's a salon."


And stupidly, I continued playing the rest of the message instead of pressing "7" for delete.

"And just a reminder, after your cut, we have technicians available for waxing or makeup touch ups."


Before I could stop laughing and explain that it's not just for women, he continued.

"No, wait, I'll sign up for a wax job. They'll LOVE me. ... WAX MY HAIRY BALLSACK PLEASE!"

I didn't hear the end of it for the rest of the day. In fact, it continued right up until we sat down next to each other in the ultra modern glass and chrome waiting area chairs and he started flipping through a Bumble & Bumble product catalogue, scoffing at the effeminate-looking men wearing lipstick and skintight pants.

"If they make my hair look like that, I'm going to kill myself."

Relief came when Jordan introduced herself and invited me to follow her back to her cutting station.

I pursed my lips in a kiss to Jer and wished him luck.

He scowled.

A little over an hour later, Jerry found his way over to where I was still getting my hair blown out. His cut looked amazing and he had no wiggle room for complaint.

But seeing my drastic change apparently made putting up with being called a woman and the androgynous waiting area fashion magazines a nonissue.

Jordan razored about 10 inches off my formerly mangy overgrown look into a chic little bob.

Jerry's eyes bulged out of his head and he said he'd meet me in the car.

So, thankfully, he wasn't around to hear my conversation with the owner of the salon when I checked out.

"Wow! What a huge change," she said. "It looks great."

"Love is not the word," I said, running my fingers through what little is left on top of my head.

Noting that we were new customers, albeit from out of state, she still pressed for some return business.

"Well, your brother loved his cut, too. So maybe you'll come back?"

I just chuckled.

"He's my husband," I said.

And resisted the urge to add: "And since he didn't hear that, maybe."


fiona said...

You're TOTALLY going to have to post before and after pictures of you both.
Did Alli recognize you??
Hope you're enjoying your vacation!!!!

Anonymous said...

pictures, we need pictures


julie said...


Diane said...

We need pictures!!

Jennifer Suarez said...

Oh poor Jerry! My husband would NEVER step foot in a salon. He's a barber shop kind of guy and I'm pretty sure he's convinced it would turn him gay to even walk through the doors. LOL!! Men...

Candi said...

Aw, no picture? I can't wait to see the new do!

Jessica said...

You MUST post pictures of your new cut! It sounds so cute!

Anonymous said...

I hope we get to see pictures of the new hair cuts!

Sheryl said...

You are such a tease! Where are the pictures?!?!

LeslieAnn said...

PHOTO!!!!! Please? :)

Your readers... we're getting a bit demanding. When you get time, during your hopefully relaxing week, we'd love to see your new do!

Anonymous said...

I Only Have One Word For You.


Anonymous said...

How can you leave us hanging? Did Jerry run to the car because your hair looked so hot he almost jumped you in the salon? Why is there no pic for us? Deets, please!

Jaxon said...

Oh, and I forgot to mention--there is nothing like getting a brand new haircut to give you a total lift is there? After I had my kid my hair thinned out so much that I had to get it cut short. I cried a minute and then rejoiced at how much easier it made life w/child.

I bet you look fab. SHOW US PLEASE!

Lauren said...

Where are the pictures of your not-so-great hair and Jerry's absolutely-great hair?

Show us, silly Kelly!! We the people demand it! (Or at least I do)

Anonymous said...

now you know you cant talk about a big change in hair and not put up a pic!!!!

NatalieDeltaGam said...

I wanna see these lovely coifs!

Jaxon said...

Nothing feels better than a new haircut. No pics for us?

Amanda said...

When are we going to see pictures of this fabulous hair cut?

Anonymous said...

And the pictures are WHERE?! :)

heather said...

Oh man! I cannot WAIT to see your new 'do!!

novelle360 said...

Sweet holy pancakes batman! I'll upload all my pics when we get home. And I Girlscout promise to include one of my hair.

wissh said...

Katie or Victoria?

plainman needs a haircut said...

Skimming the post quickly, The Plainsman thinks that Kelly is taking Jerry to a SALOON...and then thinking of the title, (as in where TV's Ellen de G. might be found), but then gets totally confused when I read "coffee or tea" ... and see that "Jerry wasn't so sure." Eh?

Must not multi-task when reading Kelly's post!

Jessica Fineran said...

Must. See. Chic. Bob. And Jerry too, of course.

Kimberly said...

pictures? please :)

I convinced my husband to get a pedicure once. That will never happen again.

Kristin said...



Ray said...

Wow that's so crazy. Haha! I would never think of the name, "Jerry" ever being a woman's name. Unless it was in print and spelled a diffrent way and then maybe.

Of course I can understand the reason for Jerry's anger, haha (who wouldn't be, a name's very important you know). Still it's funny. =o)

Take, care.