Noticing the box of Cheerios reads, "Lower Your Cholesterol 4% in 6 weeks":
"Allison, your cholesterol must be negative one hundred and fifty."
After I read my fortune cookie aloud, "You're about to embark on a fantastic journey":
"Great. Some guy with a handlebar mustache is going to show up in the back yard with a hot air balloon and you'll be like, 'I'm outta here!'"
Discussing Allison's Halloween costume options, you know, because it's August:
"WE'RE GOING TO BE WRESTLERS! She can be my tag-team partner!"
When I said "Absolutely not":
"Yeah, you probably want to dress her up as something TOTALLY LAME like a watermellon. ... WAIT! I could be the watermellon and she could be a SEED!"