Thursday, August 14, 2008

Turd alert

I was prepared for the first dirty diaper. Well, at least in that everybody-poops-so-get-used-to-it sort of way.

I expected it to stink and make me gag on occasion.

I even knew there would be identifiable materials in there sometimes. And that it might get on my hands during the wiping process. And that I'd have to scrub it off clothes when the diaper just didn't quite contain it.

But nothing -- NOTHING -- prepared me for what I encountered a few nights ago.

Being happiest while standing up, it didn't surprise me when Allison gripped the side of the tub during bath time and pulled herself to her feet. She stood there with a huge open-mouthed, ear-to-ear grin.

And as I looked at her, completely enamored, thinking how wonderful and perfect she is, how happy she is just to show off her new skills, it happened.

A huge turd floated by in the water.

At first, I stared at it in disbelief. Was it a mouse? A fish? Surely that couldn't be what it looks like on first glance. It was huge. A real person-sized log. With ... were those baked beans in it? Or grape skins maybe? OH MY GOD THERE'S ANOTHER ONE. TWO HUGE LOAFS. HUGE CHUNKY LOAFS.

Holy shit. My daughter just shit in the tub.

"JERRRRRYYYYY!"

...

"JERRRRRRRRYYYYYYYYYY!"

"What?"

"COME QUICK!"

In the 30 seconds it took him to race upstairs, I had an internal debate. Do I yank her out of the sewer water cesspool she created? Then she'll just poop on the floor if there's more in there. Do I scoop it out and put it in the toilet? That would require actual physical contact with the loaves. Even if I used toilet paper, it wouldn't provide that much of a barrier. I suppose I could just pull out the drain cover and let 'er rip. Maybe, if I'm lucky, it'll just magically disappear. And, OH GOD, what if she sits back down and tries to PLAY WITH IT?

With that final thought providing all the urgency I needed, I pulled out the metal grate and pushed down on the stopper.

"WHAT'S WRONG? Jesus is she alright?!"

The water was swirling and the logs were on the move.

"Your daughter just shit in the tub."

Jerry stood there slackjawed, watching the poop head toward the drain.

"WHAT ARE YOU DOING? IT'S NEVER GONNA FIT! IT'S GONNA GET STUCK IN THERE AND THEN OUR SHOWERS ARE GOING TO SMELL LIKE CRAP FOR A WEEK! ... WE'LL SMELL LIKE CRAP! WE'LL BE TAKING CRAP SHOWERS!"

Too late. The first one hit the drain's cross bar and slowly dissolved as the water whooshed past it. Then the other one hit, momentarily clogging it. Creating a puff of brown.

"SEE? SEE? I TOLD YOU!"

Then the force of the suction took the whole mess down, one baked bean-filled chunk at a time.

We stood there silently for a moment, both wondering if that had really just happened. Then Allison squealed and flashed us another huge grin and we knew it had.

"Well, at least we got that out of the way," Jerry said, summing it up like a parent who knows we haven't seen anything yet. "And on the bright side, now we know our tub has a two-turd drain capacity."

But we still pulled out the bleach and ran the shower on hot for awhile -- just for good measure.

23 comments:

Trish said...

That was SO funny, and unfortunate. I had the same thing happen to me when my girls were little but it was a lot smaller than Allison's "logs."
Note to self: Never read Kelly's blog again while eating a Crunch ice cream bar.

Anonymous said...

Kelly, I think every kid takes a crap in the tub at some point when they are little! Although I don't remember, my brother freqently reminds me of the time I did!
Annie

julie said...

Ah, the things I have to look forward to...

Marcy said...

I have been waiting for the pooping-in-the-bathtub incident. I know it will happen eventually. In a way I'd rather it happen when the poops are more turd-formed rather than the gooey mess they still are, as I imagine that'd be easier to clean? But, um, yeah. So not looking forward to that.

Bitchy Mom said...

ROFL you think THAT'S bad.... What about when you are IN the bath WITH your daughter and she decides to poop...

And they weren't nice little turds you could steer clear of either... It immediately filled the bath with green slimy goodness. Now what do you do in THAT situation?!

Well, I pretty much just freaked out, grabbed the baby, stood up and called for help... Thank goodness hubby wasn't on a business trip when that happened!! lol

Allison said...

Oh my gosh, this brought back some memories. My oldest never did this, but my little boy did. Unfortunatley it didn't go down the drain and I swear it was the nastiest thing in the world to clean up. Thankfully this did only happen once to me.

Chelsea said...

Isn't just precious that babies smile when they have gas or are making a donation?

Anonymous said...

I remember when my baby sister pooped in the tub; when I was in there with her. ick.

the :o) plainsman said...

LOL, LMAO.

Ray said...

OMG you guys are too funny! Allison's going to kill you though when she reads this one. Hahaha! And I loved it when you wrote, "Then the force of the suction took the whole mess down, one baked bean-filled chunk at a time." << That was great.

Ah, the joys of parenthood. Babies have it SO EASY! =P

Anonymous said...

Yeah, there are unfortunately incidents like that, but hey, it happens.

Hopefully she'll never vomit in the tub. (I'm ashamed to admit that I did once!)

Anonymous said...

I just love your gift for describing life. Really looking forward to your books. (At least)one's gotta be your wonderful essays and columns. Another has to be priceless Jerryisms. I'm already in line to buy both. Teme

Traci said...

When my daughter pooped in the tub I used a plastic shopping bag to scoop it up in and then throw away. That way you don't have to touch it or worry if it will fit down the drain!

Janice said...

Oh my gosh. That is hilarious! Wow.

mhale said...

I have been reading your co-worker's blog since you recommended it, and I enjoy it very much. What a surprise to see you show up on there!

Enjoy the date - and let us know how it goes!

jsi said...

Oh I despised the Code Brown!

Anonymous said...

I pee'd myself a little! That has to be hands down, the funniest thing I have read in ages. Oh, Kelly, thanks for the internal debate.

Jennifer Suarez said...

Haha! Welcome to another motherhood milestone :-D

Candi said...

Next time have Jerry bring you a few baby wipes. Much thicker than TP and a much sturdier barrier between you and the poo. ;-)

Oh yes, and there very likely WILL be a next time. :)

ajandmac said...

"two turd drain capacity"

hahaha

Anonymous said...

your last post really scared pregnant me. pregnant me doesn't want to know about all that (especially the preparation h part), but the post-partum me says thanks for the warning....she thinks.
natalie
www.oldgeorgiahouse.com

Anonymous said...

Please move the turd alert down the page. (Do you have a 100 glove box of latex yet?)

Kristin said...

lmfao.
that's the greatest.

-KrIsTiN-