Tuesday, September 30, 2008

I still say my rendition of 'Girls Just Wanna Have Fun' would've improved the atmosphere

"Good thing it wasn't a first date," Jerry said, laughing.

"Yeah, if that had been our first date, my ass would've been dumped," I agreed.

Saturday was our first night out together without Allison since July. And even though we didn't have any grand plans -- early dinner at Olive Garden and coming straight home to catch the Penn State game -- it felt like a huge treat.

We had counted on beating most of the weekend dinner crowd, but it took much longer than expected to get out the door. I guess we should realize by now that carting a baby plus gear to grandma's house automatically adds an hour of prep time, if not more.

When we pulled into the parking lot, it was packed to capacity. Jerry practically shoved me out the door while the car was still moving, shouting, "You put our names in, I'll find a spot!"

Always one to seize an opportunity when it comes to getting my food faster, I took advantage of my power stride to request a table for two. As I went back outside with my buzzer to meet Jerry, we noticed with a huge sigh of relief that we had just missed a Greyhound bus carting some sort of women's athletic team.

To help kill the wait, we walked to the bar to get a round of drinks.

"I'll order if you nab that bench over there," Jer suggested.

So I sat. And sat. And sat some more.

Jerry shrugged at me from the other end of the room. Some date we were on. The three bartenders weren't that busy, I thought. It's not like it was a college bar on a Friday night with door bouncers who obviously have no concept of maximum capacity or the need for elbow room to raise a glass to your lips.

My thoughts were interrupted by a large plate shattering at my feet, shards flying into my legs. I looked up just in time to see the waitress, early twenties, hair completely disheveled, heaving a huge sigh of defeat.

I asked her if she was alright, she nodded and I bent down to help her pick up the mess while the table full of women she had been waiting on watched impatiently. Sure, the leftovers she had been attempting to box were now mingling with shattered ceramic and floor dirt, but I'm guessing if they were willing to wait, they could've gotten a new entire meal packaged to go. As a former waitress, I know how bad that job sucks.

By the time I resumed my position on the bench, I looked up to see Jerry pointing at me for the bartender's benefit. The guy probably wanted to see my ID even though I'm almost a decade over the legal limit, have to dye my hair regularly to cover all my premature grays and need to start giving some serious thought to investing in some nightly anti-wrinkle cream.

Whatever. I got up and made my way over to the date I hadn't seen all evening.

"Hi stranger," I said. "Does he need my ID?"

"Nope," Jer said. "Once he saw you, he got your drink."


Maybe getting ID'd isn't so bad afterall. Better than the bartender giving you a brief glance and thinking, "Her? The old hag in the corner? Yeah, she can have some wine. Hell, give her the whole bottle, she might be on her way out tomorrow."

The date picked up momentarily when a couple's buzzer started flashing and vibrating, leaving two open barstools for us.

Then I got drunk. And loud. And completely moronic.

On two glasses of wine.

In my defense, after a sobering period of pregnancy and nursing, my tolerance has to be that of a 6-year-old. If I had ingested a third glass of wine, Jerry would've had to stop me from crawling up on the bar and demanding a microphone so I could do some makeshift karaoke to help make the wait more enjoyable for everyone.

Sometime in between then and our drive home, I remember tripping on our way to the table, taking multiple trips to the bathroom, eating a shrimp with the tail still on then pulling it back out of my mouth to fix the situation, pulling down my already revealing shirt to free the bug that randomly found its way into my cleavage, and informing Jerry that he's lucky to have such a quality companion in life before eating half of his plate of food and explaining it was okay because he got the neverending pasta deal. And shhh, I won't tell our waitress that we shared if you won't.

I also might've jokingly given him the finger at the table.

But because it wasn't a first date, we can have completely catastrophic evenings like that and bounce back.

Dates filled with picking shards of a broken plate out of my perfect pink heels and otherwise acting like a complete drunken asshole.

In the end, I found a way to blame Jerry.

After so many years together, he knows my favorite wine. If he hadn't ordered it, I wouldn't have tossed it back so easily.

See? Totally his fault.

In another three months when we go on our next date, he'll know to order me a water straight up.


Jaclyn said...

I'm so glad you guys had fun!! Ok, so you had a little more fun than Jerry, but HE wasn't forced into sobriety due to pregnancy and nursing!! =)
Now you're making me miss having a date-night with MY man.

Timberly said...

Sounds like an awesome time!

Jennifer Suarez said...

PINK heels? Oh goodness.. that right there might have been the deal breaker for my husband. Hee hee!

I'm glad you got some time alone - even if it was with 546 other olive garden patrons.

And trust me, with all the breastfeeding you've done, you more than deserve a few glasses of wine and a drunken night of picking bugs outta your cleavage! Rock on girl!

two more bottles of plains wine said...

Truly L-O-L with this one, Glad you had a great time.

Bet he orders the wine again, next date!

Randall said...

I think it sounds like a wonderful night - hope you all ordered second on the salad and breadsticks!

Chelsea said...

But did you get a hangover? I never heard of anyone getting drunk at an Olive Garden =]

Ray said...

Omg, that must have been totally hilarious. And hey you can still sing your rendition of, "Girls Just Wanna Have Fun!" I'm sure we'd all love to see you singing it in a video. =)

Take, care.

Anonymous said...


Seriously. That has got to be one of the best posts I have read in a while.