Sunday, October 12, 2008

11-months-ago me would've sympathized with him

When Allison paused from shoving bread in her mouth, sat back in her highchair and started grunting, I knew it was going to be bad.

That's her poop face. And this one apparently required a great amount of work and concentration.

We were at a little family-owned Italian restaurant with my parents who are in town visiting for the weekend. I wasn't sure what the facilities were going to be like to address a six-grunter, but my hopes weren't high.

And rightfully so.

My mom came with me to help, and the three of us nearly filled up the entire space. Not surprisingly, there wasn't a changing station, but there was a tiny little counter off to the side with a mirror wedged between the paper towel dispenser and one of the two stalls.

Unfortunately, it was one of the motion-sensor kinds. And my mere presence kept setting it off. Before I even got Allison situated, the apparatus had spewed its contents to the floor and it was piling at my feet.

Just as I suspected, the poop was monstrous and the diaper hadn't stood a chance. It folded like a 5-year-old trying to take on the World Heavyweight Champion in arm wrestling. The poop was all over her clothes, down her right leg and all the way up her back.

"Oh, ugh, GROSS!" I said, trying to prevent Alli from wriggling and transferring any more of the disaster to other surfaces.

No luck. Before I knew it, the poop was smeared on the mirror, all over the counter and then she slammed one of her socks down in it. When I finally managed to free the diaper, I tossed it in the garbage and it opened midway, leaving all of its gooey goodness in a swipe on the stainless steel.

At that point, my mom and I just started laughing hysterically. Allison, who had managed to stand up, half dressed with poop everywhere, joined in, bouncing her legs and clapping.

Then she peed.

All over her pants, her socks and her shoes, forming a puddle on the counter that ran onto the floor.

Present me could've kissed 30-minutes ago me who had the foresight to pack an entire backup outfit in the diaper bag.

It's an understatement to say it wasn't easy changing her clothes and cleaning up the mess, but with four hands, we managed. Besides, we had half a roll of papertowels to help.

When we were finished, I told my mom to head back to the table with Alli and said I'd go in search of a bag to place her soiled clothes in. Stupidly, 30-minutes-ago me hadn't thought of that.

When I rounded the corner toward the kitchen, I noticed our waiter.

"Hey, I know you're busy, but could I have a bag for these clothes?" I asked.

His eyes darted to the pink wad I was holding, and I think I saw him puke in his mouth a little. There was a noticeable moment where his brain had to tell his stomach not to retch all over the floor.

"Actually, you can just take them to the dumpster out back," he said, apparently pointing in the general direction of the trash receptacle.

I was appalled and somewhat humored. Appalled at the fact that a server would even consider ordering a patron to walk out of the restaurant to deposit anything into a dumpster while their appetiser was on the table getting cold. And humored at the fact that this guy had absolutely no idea that, although it looked completely foul, it's nothing, NOTHING to a well-seasoned parent.

"I'm not going to throw them away!" I said, unable to hide the shock in my voice.

"Oh," he said, fighting more puke. "A bag. Sure."

With that, he started to head toward the kitchen while I waited, then turned around again.

"Oh, and I forgot to tell you, there's a changing station in the handicapped bathroom," he said before spinning on his heels and resuming his quest for a bag.

Thanks guy. That information would've been clutch 10 minutes ago.


Jolean said...

see? this is why i don't wanna have kids OR work in a restaurant... I would be yelling at managemtn about the stupidity of not having visible signs for where the changing station was.. i love how he thought you were gonna throw the stuff away.. from shopping for me niece and nephews, kids clothes arent cheap!

where are the towels plainsman said...

I guess placing the stations in the handicapped facilities makes sense as they are in less use and way roomier. But no good at all if patrons don't know about them.

A funny read and would be good to submit to restaurant trade magazines for publication on their op-ed or guest column page.

Anonymous said...

great GREAT blog. I actually started laughing out loud at the image of allison doing a little dance whilst clapping and laughing and PEEING at the same time.
thank you.

Anonymous said...

Ok, so I had to laugh when I read this post. I serve and I'm just happy to hear that you didn't decide to change Alli at the table, or god forbide, on the table as I have seen more time than I care to count. I also sympathize with your server because I can't lie, I'd have done the same thing. But I'm glad you got through it and found some humor in it too. I just don't understand why there were no signs pointing the way to a changing table! ugh!

Melissa said...

Oh. my. God. You so win the Mom of the Year Award for that one.

Lois said...

That was so funny. I have 3 small children and can completely sympathize. I'm glad your mom was in there to help. I can only imagine the disaster it would have been with your baby, all by yourself, poop everywhere, etc. Yikes! I have to confess to throwing away a pair of underwear once though. We were camping, and my potty training son pooped in his underwear, and I had nowhere to clean them out, so I just pitched them, he had more at home. :)

Anonymous said...

OMG!! That was effing hysterical. Great blog! *g

Hannah said...

This post had me laughing out loud. I remember going through things like this with my sisters when I would help my mom in these types of situations.

By the way, I just wanted to let you know that I've been reading your blog since 2004 and I don't mean that to sound "stalkerish" or anything, but I really enjoy your writing. It's been wonderful "sharing" these last four years. You've provided me with a lot of laughs, joy, and a couple of tears. And I think that you and Jerry are great people and are making fantastic parents too. I wish you guys the best!

Jennifer Suarez said...

LOL!! I can't believe you didn't check the handicapped stall for a changing station!! (Around here that's where they are 90% of the time)

Funny story - and a classic! I could just picture the mess as well as the look on the waiter's face. :-D

Lioncloud said...

I'll never forget the look on the cashier's face when my oldest had diarrhea through his diaper in the checkout line at Kmart. I had to ask for paper towel twice before she was able to bring herself back from the frozen-in-horror place she had gone to.


leogoddess59 said...

Great post!

leogoddess59 said...


What a great post....I often have dreams like that when my kids were little and they pooped and got it everywhere.

NatalieDeltaGam said...

oh lord, sister, knowing that's could be me in 13 month...oh i don't know, i just don't know...

Ray said...

"It folded like a 5-year-old trying to take on the World Heavyweight Champion in arm wrestling."

^^That was a good one. Hehe. ;D And a changing table in only the handicapped bathroom?? I think it should be obvious that a changing table should be in the women's restroom as well! Guess the owner wasn't a woman (they could have at least put a sign or something letting you know. Sheesh). Also, I think they should have a changing table in every restaurant. And little restrooms are always a b#@$&! Glad you and your mother handled it well though.

Take, care.

Anonymous said...

Hahahaha, that really sucks. Really. I'm glad you took it so well- A lot of people wouldn't and it's really just your sense of humor that is saving your sanity right now. hahaha. :)