Wednesday, February 18, 2009

Going to the dentist sucks too, but at least it doesn't require as much prep

There's nothing worse than having to do the gyno shave in a rush.

For men not in the know, the "gyno shave" is one that gets a little more attention than usual. It's not required, of course, but it's a courtesy most women show their doctors at their annual checkup.

I know while the doctor is down there, they're not inspecting whether or not you prefer the landing strip, standard inverse triangle or all bare, but I can't imagine they don't appreciate good grooming habits.

Just don't try to do it without ample time.

Because it's tough to shave half of your body in a hurry. It takes time to lather your entire lower extremities in shaving cream while balancing on one leg precariously in a slick, wet shower with a tool that could double as a murder weapon. Not to mention it's tough to see your own crotch.

Which is why I shouldn't have been surprised when while flailing around in the shower yesterday in a mad-dash gyno shave, Allison's gigantic plastic frog filled with bathtub toys came careening down at my feet, sending colorful squirty toys in all directions, landing in a pile of shaving cream plops, shampoo residue and hair follicles.

I can't exaggerate how huge this thing is. It is easily the size of a large pizza box, three times as wide and a million times heavier. It had been affixed to the tiles with eight monstrous suction cups and hadn't shown the slightest sign of budging. In fact, when I stuck it to the wall, I remember thinking we'd have to put it in the house listing if we ever decide to move:

Charming three-story brick Victorian, three bedrooms, walk-in closet, eat-in kitchen, original hardwood floors, new windows, all new appliances, finished attic, one-and-a-half baths complete with frog bath toy holder. Must see!

But I was wrong. It did come down. The shooting pain in my big toe and my inability to move a centimeter in the shower for fear of tripping on something told me so.

Unfortunately, there was no time. It was either deal with the disaster and continue weilding my razor or pick up the mess and go to the gyno with some sort of fabricated explanation as to why I could possibly have forgotten something so blatantly obvious as shaving my other leg.

After racking my head for excuses, I only came up with pathetic ones like "my razor broke" or "I'm retarded," or too far-fetched ones like "my dog ate it" or "Ed McMahon showed up and I WON A MILLION DOLLARS!"

So I did what any self-aware woman would do when she is about to bare her genitals to a stranger -- never mind that he delivered my child and had more than enough time to make any sort of judgement about my vagina -- I dealt with the catastrophe at my feet and continued shaving.

It was a crazy rush with ample potential for Jerry to discover me in a heap at the bottom of the tub two hours later in a naked injured mess with the water still cascading on me as I talked to the plastic snail in some sort of hallucinatory haze and begged it to call 911.

Fortunately I survived without even so much as razor burn.

But when the doctor was finished with my exam in record time, part of me wanted to scream, "YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I WENT THROUGH TO SHAVE FOR YOU."

24 comments:

Shal said...

I'm sorry I can't breathe I'm still laughing too hard!

Totally feel your pain!

Anonymous said...

LMAO!

9 months pregnant I was still trying to shave my legs AND down there. It was a pretty sad state of affairs and I can only imagine what it looked like up close and personal.

the plainsman said...

LOL, so funny! An instant Novelle 360 Classic!

Lioncloud said...

If your doctor really cares what your shaving habits are, get another doctor.

the_plainsman said...

LOL, so funny! An instant novelle 360 Classic! (comment repeated A. because your story was SO funny and B. because after a year of problems, finally have my blogger account here activated!)

Maria said...

Haha, Mitch was amazed the day I explained to him that women shaved their legs and private area before a doctor appointment. And I do mean, amazed.

Men have it so easy.

Kristin said...

rotflmfao.
that's possibly the greatest thing I've ever read xD

-KrIsTiN-

bronxbombette said...

Wax, get that job done fast!

Anonymous said...

kelly - are you getting enough sleep? this entry was all over the place. hope you're okay!

LeslieAnn said...

The entry was not all over the place.

I don't really bother shaving for my doctor. I used to but I figure they see enough women, including ones my grandmother's age, that they probably don't care anymore. I guess I try to ensure the legs don't look too horrible.

jess said...

=) so... you have one and 1/2 bathrooms... does that mean that if you still live in that house, Allison gets to bathe/shower in your bathroom forever?

Ray said...

Kelly you are so funny. =P Great entry though.

shimajan said...

hilarious! it's funny because it's true people.

Marcy said...

You are a kind and thoughtful woman to take the time to groom specially for your doctor. I don't think I ever have (I make sure to be showered, yes. But I'm too lazy to even groom for my husband).

the_plainsman said...

OK Kelly (and Jerry) it is time for you to laugh. Did you notice the google generated ads that appear alongside this, your most recent post? Jay

novelle360 said...

Instead of "all over the place," I prefer to think of this entry as "Family Guy-esque." In addition to the main theme, it has break-out sequences that have nothing to do with anything.

But that's half the fun.

And if you're a fan of the show, you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about.

But the more direct answer is no, I am not getting enough sleep. Not anywhere near. Not for the past 15 months or so ...

novelle360 said...

Plainsman,

No! Damn. They must've switched since then. Now they're just baby-related. You'll have to fill me in. There was so much potential for disaster in there.

Anonymous said...

ya know, i'm SO GLAD i read this today. tomorrow is my first trip to the gyno and i made sure to get all my shaving and grooming outta the way tonight so i only have to worry about a shower tomorrow!

Anonymous said...

I had a gyno appt. last year that I "groomed" for in the a.m. for a late afternoon appt. Went about my business for the day and realized as I walking into the office that I ate BEAN SOUP for lunch. I didn't end well for anyone involved.

Anonymous said...

TMI

Erin in Scranton said...

Ha! Oh my goodness. Oh, and happy early birthday, babe!

Sarah said...

I knew I wasnt the only person on earth who thought about things like shaving for the gyno. Hell, me and my best friend have a pact that if one of us goes into a coma and is in the hospital the remaining friend will shave, and eyebrow groom the other! hahah

Jennifer said...

Hubby was outraged to discover that I do the same thing for the gyno and wouldn't for him. :)

I think we all do this.

Anonymous said...

Your blog keeps getting better and better! Your older articles are not as good as newer ones you have a lot more creativity and originality now keep it up!