Saturday, March 28, 2009

There's probably an 'I told you so' in here somewhere

For those unfamiliar with the innerworkings of caring for someone who craps their pants on a regular basis out of necessity, even the most frequent Pampers rotation can sometimes lead to diaper rash.

And the best cure is letting it air out.

If you're my daughter, you look forward to those bare-booty moments almost as much as unrestricted use of the remote control or a full cup of apple-raspberry juice and do everything in your power to prolong that free feeling -- including running away as fast as your little legs can carry you, butt cheeks bidding the new, awaiting diaper adieu.

Earlier this week, I encountered just such a moment, and watching Allison run around half naked with a giant grin on her face was enough to entice me not to force it for a little while. She was busy flopping around face-first on top of our bed while I was folding laundry. And as I piled items in groups, I found myself praying she didn't pee and ruin our pillowtop mattress.

Eventually, my nerves got the best of me, so I put her on the floor where she made quick work of destroying my formerly neat piles, forcing me to come up with a distraction so I didn't have to entirely start from scratch.

And there, like a shining beacon, was her laundry hamper. Remembering a similar play session from a few months ago, I knocked it over so she could crawl inside. She immediately took the bait, bare butt backing in and out. Then she stood up and tried with all of her might to get it upright. Once she was successful, she looked at me and said, "Up" -- her catchall request for getting somewhere other than where she's currently standing.

I put the hamper diagonally in a corner so it would have less of an opportunity to tip over, sat in front of it and placed her inside.

Her grin never faded as she immediately engaged in a game of peek-a-boo by lowering herself into the hamper and popping back up repeatedly. I encouraged her by asking where she was when I couldn't see her and clapping when I could.

But one round seemed to last a bit longer than the others. I continued my diatribe of how much I missed her and wondered where she was as I finished grouping the last of the socks.

Then she popped up without a smile, holding a strange unidentifiable substance in her right hand while announcing, "UH, OH!"

Upon closer inspection, I realized it was a turd.

That last squat had been with purpose.

And right as I started screaming for Jerry, her hand crept closer to her mouth.

"OH GODDDDDDD! NOOOOOOOOOO! JeRRRRRRRYYYYYYYY! OH MY GOD! JERRRRRRR! JESUS! JERRRRRRRR!"

Unfortunately for me, he was downstairs unloading the dishwasher in a blissfully unaware trance provided by an iPod loaded with death metal set to deaf.

In the meantime, I shook her arm over the hamper until she reluctantly dropped it with a splat. Then I rushed her into the bathroom where I used half a dispenser of soap and the rest of the hot water, and followed it up on the other end on her changing table with a few wipes and a new diaper.

And as I tossed the dirty wipes into the Diaper Genie, I couldn't help but think that name was a little boastful.

A real diaper genie would take care of shit when it happens.

14 comments:

Shal said...

LOL, sorry but I can't stop laughing! That's priceless! But I guess that's the risk you take with bare butt time! LOL

Thank you for the laugh (at your horror)! :)

Tiffany3048 said...

HAHAHAHA Oh wow.. That one's priceless. Knock on wood, but we NEVER had a poo incident with our 2year old. Not one poop in the bath. Or a reach into the diaper and throw like a monkey. Nothing. I can't help but breathe a sigh of realief.:D

Fit Mama said...

hahahahahha. My daughter went through a phase where she pooped in the tub during every bath. And then she pooped on the floor in her bedroom after I took her out of the bath and let her run naked. The stories parents can share... I have some that I'm afraid to share because people might call CYS on me!

Anonymous said...

Oh My God that is Priceless and that is the exact reason we never never want you to stop posting. We love you all Kelly.

Heidi said...

Haha, oh, man. I remember my little sister pooping in the bathtub with me. I think you'll definitely look back at this and laugh too!

Anonymous said...

Hahah. It's a shame once they grow up and stop wanting to eat their poop they also become less fond of bare-bottom time. Kids - who can figure 'em?

the_plainsman said...

Kelly, Now you have discovered why us guy-types like i-Pods so much!

the_plainsman said...

Kelly, Now you have discovered why us guy-types like i-Pods so much!

the_plainsman said...

The mouse button must be wearing out, two clicks for one...

Jaclyn said...

You're a braver woman than I!! The farthest Katy goes diaperless is from the livingroom and runs straight to the bathroom to either 1) use the potty or 2) take a bath. There are no detours allowed. I am TERRIFIED she'll pee/crap somewhere and I do NOT want to clean it up.
Fortunately Katelyn doesn't get diaper rash hardly ever so we don't do bare-butt time often.
I would've...uh...crapped if that was Katelyn & she'd have made it to her mouth w/the dookey.

Janice said...

Hey Kelly, I've been away a couple days and just read your previous two posts and this one. Quickly I just wanted to say I've been following your blog for so long. I am a college student and reading about your life has taught me more than you will ever know, especially since I am in a relationship that has lasted for nearly four and a half years and I'm pretty sure when I graduate I'll be getting married. You have taught me so much about life, about pregnancy for when that happens years and years down the road, and about struggles and happiness that can happen at any moment. I don't use my Xanga anymore because I am so pressed for times, but I have your blog bookmarked on my toolbar so I can check it out when I'm online. I'd like to get back into blogging someday as soon as I find some readers haha. One day when I can put my Creative Writing degree to work. But I just wanted to say, whatever your choice, thanks for the ride. I'll be reading :)

Oh, and this post was hilarious. "UH OH!" hahahaha.

Ray said...

A real diaper genie would take care of shit when it happens.

^^ Loved that line. And I think Allison got a little too excited being diaper free. Hehe. =D

Wendy said...

I was told that when I changed a dirty diaper of my own flesh and blood, I would not gag. They were wrong. I have been lucky and the husband or my mom have been here every time we've had a nasty diaper. So, I would just die if he picked up a terd!

Nikki said...

Oh man, that's hilarious! Half the reason my husband and I are having a baby is for the entertainment. Seriously. It's never ending!