Wednesday, April 1, 2009

Maybe we should've gone to Vegas afterall

When we're all going somewhere at once, the act of getting everything we need out the door without forgetting a key ingredient is a skill we're still mastering.

Sunday we had plans to pick up a few things we needed for the house -- the most important of which was a new garbage can because there's nothing worse than having a small dog and a toddler who can freely access contents that are best suited for a landfill. We also needed other more mundane things like diapers and toothpaste, so we figured we'd make the trip a little more fun by stopping at the mall to see the Easter bunny and suck down a few Orange Juliuses.

But maneuvering around our small entry space with the diaper bag, stroller, my purse and camera bag with Allison underfoot trying to resist putting her other arm in the remaining hole of her jacket while we attempt to convey to Toby that he is not coming with us -- all while trying to remember keys, phones, coupons, money and the all-important baby doll -- isn't easy.

In fact, sometimes it makes me want to say screw it, we'll just brush our teeth with water and deal with the gross consequences of a broken garbage can lid.

Jerry had taken the first load to the car, and we met back in the doorway as I hoisted Alli to my hip and asked him to grab the few things I couldn't carry. There was a confusing attempt at a key handoff, but we opted against it because my hands were more than fully occupied.

On my descent down the porch steps, I reminded him to leave a treat for Toby and mentioned that the door was already set to lock. We have one of those knobs where it's most convenient to pre-lock the door and pull it shut -- an ever-present potential for disaster.

After what seemed like an eternity, I had unloaded the contents of my arms in the vehicle, buckled Allison in her seat and selected the passenger side while heaving a sigh of relief. Jerry did the same on the driver's side and then held out his hands.


"I need the keys."

"You HAVE the keys."

"No I don't. Remember, I gave them to you at the door."

"No you didn't. Remember, I couldn't hold them."

Then we stared at each other blankly, knowing we were completely screwed if said keys were on said kitchen counter inside said house.

The next few moments unfolded in silence as Jerry patted down his jacket, checked his pockets and thankfully, gloriously produced a familiar jingling sound that made us both want to immediately jump on a plane and test our luck in Vegas.

Life was good.

Until we got two blocks and I realized the $10 off diaper coupon was on the dining room table.

"We've gotta go back!"

Jerry swung the car around like a stock car racer, choosing a gravely alley filled with pot holes and ended up parked illegally in the middle of the street in front of our house. He cut the engine, pulled the keys from the ignition and handed them to me.

I ran like a crazy woman, got in the door, momentarily greeted a soon-to-be disappointed Toby, grabbed the coupon, turned the lock and slammed the door behind me.

When I got to the car, where my door was still hanging open, I stopped abruptly and stared at Jerry who was obviously waiting for me to hand over the keys.

"Oh my God."

"Kelly, you didn't."

"I swear I had them in my hands!"

"C'MON! Seriously? Now we're locked out AND, in case you didn't notice, OUR CAR IS IN THE MIDDLE OF THE STREET!"

And right before he was about to break into a sweat-filled diatribe about how our afternoon was ruined and maybe the Easter bunny would magically bring us a new garbage can, toothpaste, diapers and a locksmith before we got a ticket from the local police for being parked like assholes ...

I jingled the keys in front of his face and said, "Gotcha!"

I never have a good April Fools Day joke, so I have to grab opportunity when I see it.


Anonymous said...

Classic. I'm going to have to remember that to try one someone.

aj said...


Ray said...

You're bad! Hehehe. Nice April Fool's Day joke though. =P

Wendy said...

We locked ourselves out of the house once when we went for a walk. We thankfully had a car key which meant we had to drive 1.5 hours to get a spare key. We now keep a key in a metal box attached to the side of our garage.

Jennifer Suarez said...

Haha! That one was good! You even fooled me, I thought you really had left the keys behind.

PS I'll be in Vegas in a couple of weeks.. want me to toss $20 on black, or red, or something for ya?

Anonymous said...

Man that was a good one. Happy april fools day to you!!!

Marcy said...

Oh you are eeeeevvillll! =P

the_plainsman said...

Well, that was the worst conduct ever in a long list of shady activities! And to think they allowe dyou two to even move into our neighborhood! OK, OK, relax, April Fools!

theedithr said...

Thanks for the comic relief. I'm sitting at my desk supposed to be finishing up my last story of the day and I had to laugh.

Wendy M. said...

Oooooh, that's a good one.

LeslieAnn said...

Awesomeness lady. Sheer awesomeness. I was totally convinced that as an April Fools Day joke my boyfriend and I should tell my mother we're engaged. He said no. It was too mean. So I didn't and she agreed that it probably wouldn't have been a good idea. :)

Erica said...

Haha I cracked up when I read this. Good one. I'm awful at forgetting my keys. I've had to put my keys on a giant neon laniard so i don't lock myself out of places or leave them on a bus or something... but I've still done it a couple of times, so you April Fools joke is my reality ; ).

Anonymous said...

:) I was holding my breath until the very end! Great storytelling!

Melissa said...

haha That's pretty good!