Tuesday, May 19, 2009

I am destined to have poop stories my entire life

A few days ago, we got a reminder for Toby's annual vaccination requirements in the mail. When I made the appointment, they asked me to bring a fresh fecal sample so they could check for abnormalities.

No problem. I'm pretty sure Toby excretes his entire weight in poop every day. I've never seen an animal so regular. Every time I let him out the back door, he beelines for the same spot and squats.

An hour or so before the appointment, Jerry opted not to risk it and took Toby for a mini walk. If there's any place he loves to poop more than his favorite spot in the back yard, it's the yard with the pit bull at the end of the street. It's almost like Toby knows the dog could eat him in one jaw-snapping chomp, but he's such a little meat head that he wants to show his dominance anyway. By crapping every time he passes.

Sure enough, when Jerry got back, he held up the plastic bag with exuberance.

"Every time!"

What followed was nothing short of our typical chaotic cluster-fuck when everyone's trying to get out the door at the same time. Jerry and I were tossing keys and shoes and coats and Toby's leash in a frenzy.

"This is silly," I said. "You go. I'm going to take Alli to the park. She'll just be a nightmare there anyway trying to hug all the goggies."

"And Toby will be a jealous freak," Jerry said, nodding in agreement.

We still ended up leaving at the same time, but Alli and I waived them off and headed out to go down the slide a few times. When we got back, they weren't home yet, but it was so nice outside, Alli and I stayed in the back yard.

Opting not to just sit on my butt, I went inside to grab a sponge and some hot soapy water to scrub the bird crap off the bench that accidentally sat under our huge pine tree for awhile. When I got inside, I noticed a Tupperware container next to the sink with what appeared to be really old prunes inside.

I'm not sure why, but Jerry loves dried fruit. You should've seen his face light up when we bought a Sam's Club membership and he spotted a Ziploc of dried prunes large enough to double as a sleeping bag when it's emptied.

That coupled with the fact that there are often mystery containers filled with food he unearthed from the Bag of Death he carries to work every day, I didn't think anything of it. I just opened the lid and tossed it down the disposal.

Then the smell hit.

It was poop. Toby's poop. Jerry must've left it on the counter.

So there it was. Stuck in our kitchen sink. Where I prepare food. Some little chunks had already cascaded down into the disposal, but one larger log was wedged in the plastic trap. But because of the stench, I made a quick decision, turned on the hot water full blast and flipped the disposal switch while emptying half the contents of the dish soap down the drain.

It just whirred into a brown bubbly mess while I gagged.

When Jerry got home, he launched right into how Toby has gum issues -- explaining his rancid breath that could kill a Sasquatch -- and directions on how to use the new dog toothbrush we were given.

"But I forgot the stool sample."

"About that ...," I said, and proceeded to fill him in.


"On second thought, I wish I hadn't told you yet. I should've waited until after you accidentally dropped something into the sink and fished it out to eat."


Anonymous said...

He used your Tupperware for POOP???

Ray said...

Ugh, that must have been a mess! I bet from now on you're going to make Jerry label his Tupperware containers. LOL! And I'd love to read an entry about, "Jerry's Bag of Death." ;o)

Kristin said...

your poop stories are the best, though.
you remind me of mattg124 on youtube sometimes xD


novelle360 said...

Anon: Yeah. The toss-away kind.

Ray: I wrote one. I tried to find it to link to it, but failed. I'll keep looking.

novelle360 said...

Found it! Linked.

Timberly said...


the_plainsman said...

Somehow LOL, ROFLMAO, is not enough!

Anonymous said...

i saw when you wrote about this on twitter i thought it was hilarious. now that im reading the whole story its even funnier lol. I LOVE you having twitter!! because you dont always blog but at least i can read your funny stories right after they happen! lol


Anonymous said...

so gross! and so hilarious!

Lioncloud said...

I don't suppose we could get a photo of the Bag of Death?


Jennifer Suarez said...

OMG I can't even IMAGINE how awful that must have been. When I saw your tweet about it I was gagging!!

PS: Wanted to let you know I'm hosting another awesome giveaway on my blog! Click here if you'd like to enter!

Ray said...

Thanks for the link. ;o)

Marcy said...

Aren't most kitchen sinks supposed to be dirtier than your average toilet? ; )