Monday, June 22, 2009

Not just Red Bull gives you wings

I must have some seriously messed up hair karma.

First it was the botched bangs. Then it was the bad boxed dye. Together, I didn't think could get any worse. I didn't think there was any place lower than having ear-length bangs and two hair colors, one of which made me look like a sallow, washed-out mom summoning her inner emo teen.

Then my mother-in-law told me to go pamper myself. She offered to watch Allison this afternoon while I got a seriously overdue hair cut.

I've lived here six years and can count on my knees how many cuts I've had in Pennsylvania. I'm not sure why, but I just haven't fallen in love with a salon. I need it to be a retreat. Someplace that has shampoo that smells so good, it could pass as an ice cream topping. Where the girls are coiffed to perfection like they walked out of a style magazine. Where they offer you water or tea because, at those prices, they should.

After getting VIP treatment, I can't go back to being a walk-in at Super Cuts.

I didn't think there was a salon of that calibre here, but when I was looking to purchase a pedicure for my sister-in-law, I stumbled upon a gorgeous little place that at least passed the smell test. The product aromas were so enticing. And the bubbling water feature in the lobby didn't hurt either.

So when Jer's mom offered to give me a little personal time, I immediately dialed the salon and, as luck would have it, got scheduled with the owner. Can't get any better than that, right?

Wrong.

She was in my face the entire time, bitching an uninterruptible streak about a faulty waterslide she purchased for her annual Fourth of July bash. She yakked incessantly about the difficulty of using her warranty, how she was going to be in the newspaper for robbing the store if that's what it comes to and how her friend has bail money all lined up.

If she had paused to take a breath, I would've related to a lot of it. Like how our TV is still broken five months after we called the warranty company. And I probably would've cracked a joke about how I'd be writing her criminal headline on the front page.

But I couldn't because her lips never closed. The entire time, I was wondering to myself how the hell she was able to concentrate on cutting my hair when she was waiving the scissors around for emphasis. Frankly, I should just be glad she didn't cut off a part of one of my ears.

When it was done, the cut that had been supposed to "blend my bangs in" turned into an angle so severe, it looks like I'm the "after" example in a Ginsu knife infomercial. Then, to add insult to injury, she took a curling iron and flipped the ends up, making me look like Farah Fucking Fawcett circa 1974.

As my mom put it when I told her, "YOU HAVE WINGS?"

Yes. I have wings.

I may use them to fly to her Fourth of July party and piss all over her broken waterslide.

12 comments:

gorakagaz said...

i've been giggling at the farrah fawcett image ever since i saw ur twitter. i'm sure it'll look better once u style it yourself. and it will grow out eventually. meanwhile, i think it would be wonderful if you posted a pic. perhaps a side-by-side comparison with farrah :)

Anonymous said...

You should try Designer's Denn by campus. They are wonderful....have the tea and water you speak of, the wonderful smelling products and even a robe to put on so you don't get your clothes messy.

Allison said...

This is when having your ipod in your purse is a good thing. "Oh, I'm sorry, I have to listen to this course on tape by tomorrow---see ya"

:-)

Jennifer Suarez said...

UGH the Hair Gods must be angry with you! I sure hope they settle down so you can finally get a decent doo goin!

BTW I'm hosting a 48 hour giveaway on my blog! Stop by and enter!

Lioncloud said...

Time to go to Supercuts and get that oh-so short summer cut! When you have small children, being able to get out of the shower and shake you head dry is wonderful.

And Allison (Blogger, not Toddler), great idea to use the iPod. Works on an airplane too.

Glrr

Trish said...

Aww Kelly, I've been through this kinda stuff too. I can totally see this playing out in images in my head.
I would like to suggest, wash it out, get out the curling iron or straightener and play with your hair to see if you can accomplish something like Salma Hayek circa 2008?!
If time doesn't allow it, then just remember it will grow back, and ponytails never go outta style.

Anonymous said...

Poor thing! I NEVER get my hair cut by an owner, I feel like they dont know anything about cutting...which is weird since they own the salon! Im sorry this happened, bad haircuts are so miserable.

Annie said...

Well, you are in good company... my last visit to the salon I ended up with bangs (I even brought a NON-bangs picture) and bangs in the summer, with curly hair, is not good...

the_plainsman said...

Last comment is funny, but true, the owner is usually a good business person, not the best at any trade (or might have been at one time, which might be her '80's Farrah connection).

From a guy's perspective, have to disagree with Lioncloud about the short thing, no matter how apealing the idea seems. A huge number of reasons why you should not venture down that slippery slope! And most women seem oblivious to them!

Dorie Howell Photography said...

I think we at least deserve a pic of said wings. ;)

Ray said...

“Someplace that has shampoo that smells so good; it could pass as an ice cream topping. Where the girls are coiffed to perfection like they walked out of a style magazine. Where they offer you water or tea because, at those prices, they should.”

^^When you find such a heavenly place, let us all know hehe! There’s this place in Manhattan called, “Elizabeth Arden Red Door Spa & Hair Salon” that I’ve been dreaming of going to. It’s super expensive though, so I’ll have to save up a lot (then if I dye my hair, I’ll need to do root touch-ups, so that’s more money). Sigh. Why can’t things in life be cheap? Hehe. =P

And we need a photo of your haircut Mrs. Photographer! =o)

Anonymous said...

Christine or Megan at Utopia...a hidden gem in 'Toona. 814-940-0414