Jerryisms

After Allison started showing interest in the wrong spots while petting Toby and he ran away:
"No, no, no. Don't touch Toby's butthole. Never touch anyone's butthole because see what happens? The party's over. ... Unless it's that kind of party. Then it's just getting started."

While laying on the bed, realizing we're long past our quarterly responsibility to rotate our pillowtop mattress so the sides stay even:
"Hey, maybe later we can rotate the mattress. When we're laying down, I feel like I'm three inches lower than you. You're the rest of the country and I'm New Orleans."