Sunday, February 27, 2011

February 27, 2011

Today is my due date. As much as I'm physically ready to have this child, I'm actually worried whether I'm ready in every other aspect.

It's a strange feeling because I know I can do it. I've been there before. I've got more than three years of experience on my parenting punch-card, and if Allison is any indication at the job Jerry and I are doing, we're either extremely lucky or we've made a few good moves.

I guess part of the fear is whether I'll have enough to give. Being a mother is by far the most demanding job I'll ever take on in my lifetime. And, for some reason, I know that adding another child to the mix won't just double the responsibilities. I have a feeling going from one to two is exponentially more complicated than that.

I'm worried about guiding Alli through this huge life-altering transition. As much as we've done to prepare her for what's coming, I know there will be bumps in the road as she gets used to not having our undivided attention. I want her to know that she's still just as important as she always has been, but I'll have to make that known while I'm sleep-deprived and working on making sure someone else's needs are constantly met, too.

I'm worried about having those little quiet moments with my son that I cherished with Allison. There are far more responsibilities at home now, and I don't want our son's infancy to pass while I'm distracted by laundry, taking Allison to school and everything else that comes with running a household somewhat smoothly.

I'm worried about finding time to nurture the relationship that started it all. With our demanding jobs and crazy schedules, Jerry and I already have so little time to ourselves. I know we both feel blessed beyond measure to have created a family, but it's so easy to lose sight of each other while we're running around fulfilling our everyday responsibilities.

Despite all of these fears, I wouldn't want it any other way. I know my worries aren't unfounded. In fact, it helps me realize that I'm taking it all seriously.

Plus, I know there will be moments that make all of my fears disappear. I'm really looking forward to the first weekend after our son is born where we're all snuggled in bed -- me, Jerry, Allison, the baby and Toby -- and I know that everything I need at that moment is right there.

And the rest of my insecurities can wait.


Vicki said...

I can remember having those same concerns when I was expecting my second child (and 3rd and 4th). It's funny that I lived through it as a parent and now I'm re-facing it as I await my 2nd & 3rd grandchildren! I worry that I won't have the one-on-one time with each of them that I did with the first one. Strangely enough, your post was encouraging to me. Thank you!

Ally said...

I was in your shoes in July just before my second son arrived. Anxious and nervous and sad that I would be changing my relationship with my first (also 3 years old). I think most of my postpartum tears during those first few weeks were because I had to keep telling my oldest that I couldn't play with him when he asked because I was nursing/changing/holding the baby. I bet your big girl surprises you in her resilience. Before you know it, the dust will settle and you won't be able to imagine your life any other way. Enjoy this wonderful time! Can't wait to see pictures!

Wissh said...

When our 3rd son was born, I had bought toys and wrapped them and made sure they went into my hospital bag. When dad brought the boys to see me and meet their new baby brother, they were presented with presents from baby Dylan, who, according to their cards, couldn't wait to have the best big brothers in the world.
Good luck, Kelly. You guys will do great.

Anonymous said...

just to let you know, i read your blog all the time, and i have read it for quite a while now. dont stop blogging, I really enjoy it!!! good luck with your son!

Janice said...

This is all so exciting! I can't wait for updates!

Kristin said...

This might sound really weird, but I've always thought that one of the reasons that I love your blog is that you're so open and willing to share feelings here that might otherwise be pretty closely held, or only told to few people. When I'm feeling worried or anxious about something, sometimes it makes me feel better to know that, even though anxieties of having a baby are FAR different than those of worrying about having enough money to go to one's dream college or whether or not one's big summer graduation trip is going to go smoothly, everyone has stuff to worry about and that everything always turns out okay in the end. I don't know if that makes sense, really, but damnit, I tried.

Anonymous said...

You're up to it, this I know. Hoping your delivery goes smoothly and and that you and the little one get through safely. Can't wait to see pictures of the baby and the whole family snuggled in the bed. God Bless.


The Plainsman said...

Hey Kelly! The fact that you are so aware and in touch with your myriad feelings gives evidence as to how ready you really are for this (once again) new experience. Evidence how after his birth, life will absorb and mold itself around your entire family, making welcolming room for your son. Allison may surprise you with her maturity. After all, she is "almost" an adult now, lol!

Here's wishing you a smooth delivery in every way and for that first weekend after, when you are all snuggled together! Jay

Anonymous said...

Good luck with your delivery! Can't wait to see the little man!

Ray said...

"Plus, I know there will be moments that make all of my fears disappear. I'm really looking forward to the first weekend after our son is born where we're all snuggled in bed -- me, Jerry, Allison, the baby and Toby -- and I know that everything I need at that moment is right there."

^^Loved this. ;o)

The best to all five of you. <3 Can't wait to see your new bundle of joy! =D

Chelsea said...

From everyone I've heard, its like magic that your heart and capabilities to care and nurture another human just instantly expand. I'm studying maternity nursing and from everything I've seen, it just happens and works out. The mind and heart are mysterious things, even more so during pregnancy!

Hope you're making some progress and things will go well with the L&D! Keep us updated!

Amanda said...

I've been reading your blog since way back in the Xanga days. I wish you the best of luck with the new baby!

Anonymous said...

Excitedly waiting for word on how you're doing Kelly!!

The Plainsman said...

Oh, the suspense!