While making a toast to successfully eating out at a restaurant with both kids:
"To make it a full family toast, I guess I'd have to clink my glass against your boobs because that's what Evan drinks out of."
On our way home from said restaurant with both kids screaming bloody murder in the back seat:
"If I ran a vasectomy business, that would be my radio commercial. I'd just run 59 seconds of that sound and finish up with 'For a vasectomy, call 555-1234.'"