Friday, August 2, 2013

Hello, old friend


I won't even tell you what lengths I had to go through to gain access to this page. Lets just say it took me 20 minutes, some serious combing through long discarded email accounts and two password retrieval requests.

But something told me that although I don't have time for this -- that my longtime personal excuse of being a wife, mother of two, dog owner, homeowner and business owner doesn't leave room for personal "wants" like writing when the mood strikes -- I shouldn't ignore my sudden desire to revisit it either.

A decade ago when I started this blog, I did it because I needed an outlet. I needed to work through some dark thoughts of self doubt and confusion over what path to take. And although on the surface I have a picture-perfect life and everything I ever dreamed I wanted all those years ago, if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm not happy.

And the best way I know to solve my troubles is working through these confusing feelings and forcing them into actual words. Making my thoughts tangible.

Already this feels like an incredible emotional release.

*inhale, exhale*

For a long time, this was my sanctuary. This little blip on the web. It was a diary, for sure. A daily account of my life. I liked that it was public to keep me accountable, but it also felt anonymous because at its inception no one knew it existed.

Over time I think it took on a life of its own. Its crazy popularity in the peak of my involvement with blogging was insanely fun at times, and frankly surprising. I met so many incredible people online I otherwise would not have gotten to know. But it was also a burden. I didn't owe anyone anything, but a slack in posting drew ire from strangers. It was a little strange feeling that I had to keep up with other people's expectations of me.

After awhile I had so many people in my own life reading -- my parents, siblings, extended family, former mentors, friends, co-workers, my boss -- that it wasn't "me" anymore. I couldn't write freely knowing every word would be judged and could be (and sometimes was) used against me.

It was easy to stop writing after Evan was born because having an infant and a toddler to care for all day every day is more immediate responsibility than I'll ever have for the rest of my life. Yes, I struggled with knowing he might resent me for not documenting his first year as thoroughly as I did his big sister's. But man I love that kid more than anything and it settles me somehow that I'll be able to show him in other ways. I didn't write and chose instead to invest that time enveloping myself in their youth. Snuggling in bed. Having messy hair and laying on the floor together. Sure, I wish I could look back at my own words documenting those days, but I have no regrets having just soaked them in either.

Tangent aside, I guess I'm hoping two-ish years of a writing hiatus actually returned a little of my anonymity. I can't imagine anyone clicks here on a daily basis anymore, and now that I work for myself, I have no one to represent or offend but me.

That said, I'll be very happy to hear from anyone who does stumble upon this and wants to get reacquainted with my world.

I hope I can figure a few things out and get reacquainted with me, too.

15 comments:

Hannah said...

Dude, Kelly! I've had your blog subscription in my Reader forever! (now Feedly since Reader's gone) Not sure if you know who I am or remember me. I've been following you since the xanga days, then on this blog, then being "friends" on fb. I was surprised when I saw in my feed that you posted bc it has been a while. But I'm so glad you did. :)

Christina said...

Hi Kelly!

Evan may not have those monthly letters, but if Alli uses that as ammunition in the future, he can fire back that he has more professional looking photos during year 1. Heh.

I'm glad you are back. I've missed your posts, but I'm glad you were doing great things away from blogging. :)

I hope everyone and Toby are well.

Even though you stopped posting for awhile, I never took you off my feed. Here's hoping for whatever you're comfortable posting.

Take care.

Jessica Herbert said...

Wow, I was surprised to see your blog show up updated in my blogroll this morning! Welcome back!

Jessica said...

Wow, I was surprised to see your blog updated in my blogroll this morning! Welcome back!

Jessica said...

Wow, I was surprised to see your blog updated in my blogroll this morning! Welcome back!

Cate said...

You're back!! I've been waiting for you! (Um, that sounds creepy.) I have missed your writing.

Kristy said...

I was glad to see you in my feed! I've enjoyed your stories and posts over the years.

Julia said...

So glad to have you back! I have read you since your Xanga days (when you got married!) Welcome back, I hope you stay awhile!

Stephanie said...

I've been following your photography business on Facebook but had been really missing your blog posts. Welcome back!

Anonymous said...

Another checking in from xanga :).

Jessica said...

I'll echo what others have said and say how excited I was to see you on my feed again! I've been following you since Xanga and am excited to read more from you - welcome back!

Emily said...

I've been following since your wedding post on xanga, and have been checking the blog regularly. Glad to have you back!

Nikki said...

Ha. I totally let my blog fall through as well. Glad to see you're back!!!

PEQUANNOCK VALLEY ROTARY said...

KELLY! KELLY! (and) KELLY!

Have though about you and your family over time, and especially this past holiday, too! Besides, may soon be the occasion, later this year for a professional flyleaf photo, if I actually finish that book.

Today, playing detective, trying to figure out how to get to my own Xanga page to recover a story or two, and thought of yours! "Maybe I can link to mine from one of my years of comments to Kelly's pages."

Never knew about your new posts last year, as I never subscribed in all those years. Always signed on manually each day or so to read yours because I WANTED to, not becaue they automatically popped up.

Wow, Allison in school, Evan thinking he is an oven, or the oven is him, LOL! Am not even asking what Jerry is up to, LOL!
And Kelly is pondering about it all. (I think a healthy sign; I'd be more worried if you weren't pondering it all.)

BTW, But three posts, but you have in no way lost that wonderful talent of painting with words that I and many others always enjoyed.

Best wishes for 2014, will be back. Jay

Ray said...

I always wished you'd come back, but knew you had more important responsibilities. It makes me sad, because I used to read here every day (followed you from Xanga where I came across your Honeymoon entries. Now, they've made a Xanga 2.0 and made it a paid site. BOO! Which I'm no longer on. It sucked saying goodbye to Xanga). But, that's life. I hope you do write more on here. Here's to more time and getting reacquainted. =o)

On another note: I was on your photography site just now and I see that Evan turned THREE...NO FREAKING WAY!!!! =O I'm thinking he's still a baby. Unreal. Happy Belated Birthday, cutie! He's got your eyes like Ali. ;o)