Friday, August 2, 2013
Hello, old friend
I won't even tell you what lengths I had to go through to gain access to this page. Lets just say it took me 20 minutes, some serious combing through long discarded email accounts and two password retrieval requests.
But something told me that although I don't have time for this -- that my longtime personal excuse of being a wife, mother of two, dog owner, homeowner and business owner doesn't leave room for personal "wants" like writing when the mood strikes -- I shouldn't ignore my sudden desire to revisit it either.
A decade ago when I started this blog, I did it because I needed an outlet. I needed to work through some dark thoughts of self doubt and confusion over what path to take. And although on the surface I have a picture-perfect life and everything I ever dreamed I wanted all those years ago, if I'm truly honest with myself, I'm not happy.
And the best way I know to solve my troubles is working through these confusing feelings and forcing them into actual words. Making my thoughts tangible.
Already this feels like an incredible emotional release.
For a long time, this was my sanctuary. This little blip on the web. It was a diary, for sure. A daily account of my life. I liked that it was public to keep me accountable, but it also felt anonymous because at its inception no one knew it existed.
Over time I think it took on a life of its own. Its crazy popularity in the peak of my involvement with blogging was insanely fun at times, and frankly surprising. I met so many incredible people online I otherwise would not have gotten to know. But it was also a burden. I didn't owe anyone anything, but a slack in posting drew ire from strangers. It was a little strange feeling that I had to keep up with other people's expectations of me.
After awhile I had so many people in my own life reading -- my parents, siblings, extended family, former mentors, friends, co-workers, my boss -- that it wasn't "me" anymore. I couldn't write freely knowing every word would be judged and could be (and sometimes was) used against me.
It was easy to stop writing after Evan was born because having an infant and a toddler to care for all day every day is more immediate responsibility than I'll ever have for the rest of my life. Yes, I struggled with knowing he might resent me for not documenting his first year as thoroughly as I did his big sister's. But man I love that kid more than anything and it settles me somehow that I'll be able to show him in other ways. I didn't write and chose instead to invest that time enveloping myself in their youth. Snuggling in bed. Having messy hair and laying on the floor together. Sure, I wish I could look back at my own words documenting those days, but I have no regrets having just soaked them in either.
Tangent aside, I guess I'm hoping two-ish years of a writing hiatus actually returned a little of my anonymity. I can't imagine anyone clicks here on a daily basis anymore, and now that I work for myself, I have no one to represent or offend but me.
That said, I'll be very happy to hear from anyone who does stumble upon this and wants to get reacquainted with my world.
I hope I can figure a few things out and get reacquainted with me, too.
Posted by novelle360 at 12:07 PM